Edited: This is me blogging from Florida again...

Just so you know, when the airline says they need to check your baggage 45 minutes before your flight, they mean 45 minutes and totally not 43.

Also? When I call a jackass behind the counter at the airport a 'mother fucker', I mean he fucks his mother and totally not 'dude, you're kind of a jerk'. At least at that moment I did. In retrospect? He was just kind of not helpful and I was a tad tired.

And when they say, "sit in the airport all day waiting for standby", they mean ALL DAY and they don't care if your 21 month old is teething and your 9 year old is crying. Or that my husband's head was actually steaming or that I was seconds away from somes serious shin kicking/kung fu shanking action.

They also don't care if anyone has new client meetings for a company they are trying to launch today or if anyone has to work tomorrow.

When Jason says, "Fix it douchebag! You already changed our flights once on us." He means, "Seriously douchebag, don't make me jump across this counter and bite your nose off all crazy Hannibal Lecter style. I'm from Alberta, Canada, bitch!"

And when they concede and say they will do it, what they mean is you won't get back home until buttass late the next day.

Suckers.

And when I put that extra day on the calendar at work to recover from the trip? I had no freaking clue.

PS - Had a dream last night that I was fighting demons with Joaquin Phoenix. We had a super awesome demon fighting team and we all got new cell phones to make our demon fighting as crazy high-tech as possible.

Because obviously, cell phones are what you need to fight demons and not weapons of any kind.

Obviously.

We've Got Something That Will Turn Your Brain To Sh*t

Subtitled: Shit I threw up on Twitter this weekend.

I had been in this fantastic mood and frame of mind for a whole week. And while I was in it, it was like being on vacation. In the moment I was all, "there is no way I'm ever going to be moody or uninspired again!" In the flip of a switch, it was out. Seriously, it was like over the weekend someone flipped a switch and all capacity to put my incoherent ramblings together into a solid, magical thought was gone.

There were flashes of greatness like the conversation Jason and I had while watching the St.Pierre/Penn fight Saturday.

Jason: Is he walking out to the Foo Fighters?

Me: Yeah... Some people really think the Foo Fighters rock. And not just like rock, but FUCKING RAWK.

Jason: Meh.

Me: I see your point, if it were me I'd walk out to The Cult's Fire Woman. I mean, that would be bad ass, right? Like if I had a hood pulled up and I was all punching the air and stuff? ( I demonstrated air-punching.)

Jason: Yeah, that would blow people's minds, especially if you did a leg kick and fireworks came out of your crotch?

Me: Hmmm, I don't see a lot of pyrotechnics... Wait? Out of my what?

Jason: Your crotch, you know like Shania Twain.

Me: No, I don't know and why do you know?

And then there was the whole Journey, Pre-Game debacle. I mean, really? Were his eyes not the most uncomfortable thing to watch that you've ever seen?

I came in and sat down, bone weary from mopping the office floor for close to two hours. And then I heard the awesomely, magical words of "Ladies and Gentleman, JOURNEEEEEYYYY!" or something similar. And I had seen Journey in concert like two years ago, so I totally knew Steve Perry wasn't coming out, but I didn't expect the Asian guy from Big Trouble in Little China with his weird glowing, rolling eyes.

It was like nobody told him Steve Perry isn't dead and he was trying to channel him the whole time.

Me: Seriously? Is it just me or is this guy super creepy?

Jason: What is up with his eyes?

Me: I'm pretty sure somewhere Steve Perry is just sitting there, motionless, not enjoying the pre-game, because this asshole is trying to tug his soul into his body. How freaking rude.

Hey you know how you should get a Journey tattoo?

Jason: Ummm, sure?

Me: Just make sure it says Journey - and then underneath it's all, but real Journey. Fucking Rocking Steve Perry Journey. Fucking Rocking REAL STEVE PERRY JOURNEY because I'll never STOP BELIEVIN' - Not, Creepy Possessed Asian Guy Journey.

That's probably going to be a big tattoo. Wait! Where is my laptop this is PURE GENIUS!

Jason: No honey, it's not.

But he thought it was pure genius later when we were going to bed and I nuzzled his ear and whispered, "if punching koalas is wrong, I just don't want to be right."

Yeah, I even got a nose booger to fly out on that one.

Okay, I'm starting to feel better already. Mostly because it's obvious how awesome I really am.

Besides, if Bruce Springsteen can power slide into the camera man and make that RAWK! Then who am I to be moody?

The Tramp Stamp...

One of my very least favorite terms is the "tramp stamp".

I mean really?

I've had all my tattoos longer than that term has even been popular, however, when I walk into a gathering with my co-workers and hear them talking about someone's tramp stamp, like I just did, it raises the hair on my arms.

Am I in fear that I'm a tramp?

Not hardly.

Do I think it's less than cool... well yup.

You can say anything you want about tattoos for the most part. I'll either agree or disagree, but to call something a tramp stamp is just labelriffic.

I hate labeling people, but I have to be honest. When I see someone without tattoos driving a luxury automobile, it makes my skin crawl and I think to myself...

"Lame, material possesion whore".

Not that there is anything wrong with that. Right?

I always smile and go on my way. But the day I can say that I think people who are "keeping up with the Joneses" are stupid suckers and not raise their wrath will be a fine day indeed.

We all judge people, yes we do, but let me just say this... I judge on stupidity and level of caring for other's feelings.

I'm not anti-establishment. I think some things have to be "established". I am anti-ass faced judgemental whore.

And if you want to know who will judge on your judgementalness, well it will be me. Because I'm a tattoed douche who does shit like that.

And even as I complete this I realize how many times I tried to be careful and actually deleted the "R" word. But the hell with it.

Yeah, I don't like the standard issue Republican much either.

So meh.