Monday, February 2, 2009

We've Got Something That Will Turn Your Brain To Sh*t

Subtitled: Shit I threw up on Twitter this weekend.

I had been in this fantastic mood and frame of mind for a whole week. And while I was in it, it was like being on vacation. In the moment I was all, "there is no way I'm ever going to be moody or uninspired again!" In the flip of a switch, it was out. Seriously, it was like over the weekend someone flipped a switch and all capacity to put my incoherent ramblings together into a solid, magical thought was gone.

There were flashes of greatness like the conversation Jason and I had while watching the St.Pierre/Penn fight Saturday.

Jason: Is he walking out to the Foo Fighters?

Me: Yeah... Some people really think the Foo Fighters rock. And not just like rock, but FUCKING RAWK.

Jason: Meh.

Me: I see your point, if it were me I'd walk out to The Cult's Fire Woman. I mean, that would be bad ass, right? Like if I had a hood pulled up and I was all punching the air and stuff? ( I demonstrated air-punching.)

Jason: Yeah, that would blow people's minds, especially if you did a leg kick and fireworks came out of your crotch?

Me: Hmmm, I don't see a lot of pyrotechnics... Wait? Out of my what?

Jason: Your crotch, you know like Shania Twain.

Me: No, I don't know and why do you know?

And then there was the whole Journey, Pre-Game debacle. I mean, really? Were his eyes not the most uncomfortable thing to watch that you've ever seen?

I came in and sat down, bone weary from mopping the office floor for close to two hours. And then I heard the awesomely, magical words of "Ladies and Gentleman, JOURNEEEEEYYYY!" or something similar. And I had seen Journey in concert like two years ago, so I totally knew Steve Perry wasn't coming out, but I didn't expect the Asian guy from Big Trouble in Little China with his weird glowing, rolling eyes.

It was like nobody told him Steve Perry isn't dead and he was trying to channel him the whole time.

Me: Seriously? Is it just me or is this guy super creepy?

Jason: What is up with his eyes?

Me: I'm pretty sure somewhere Steve Perry is just sitting there, motionless, not enjoying the pre-game, because this asshole is trying to tug his soul into his body. How freaking rude.

Hey you know how you should get a Journey tattoo?

Jason: Ummm, sure?

Me: Just make sure it says Journey - and then underneath it's all, but real Journey. Fucking Rocking Steve Perry Journey. Fucking Rocking REAL STEVE PERRY JOURNEY because I'll never STOP BELIEVIN' - Not, Creepy Possessed Asian Guy Journey.

That's probably going to be a big tattoo. Wait! Where is my laptop this is PURE GENIUS!

Jason: No honey, it's not.

But he thought it was pure genius later when we were going to bed and I nuzzled his ear and whispered, "if punching koalas is wrong, I just don't want to be right."

Yeah, I even got a nose booger to fly out on that one.

Okay, I'm starting to feel better already. Mostly because it's obvious how awesome I really am.

Besides, if Bruce Springsteen can power slide into the camera man and make that RAWK! Then who am I to be moody?


Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I see you're still out of Diet Coke...

I will say though that when I read that twitter update about punching koala's, I laughed until I cried.

J said...

Why oh why do I not Twitter all weekend? I miss comic genius like this and then kick myself all week long. Damn me.

Rassles said...

I think if I was about to walk into a ring and I wanted to strike fear into the hearts of my opponents, I'd punch out to the smooth grooves of Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald. Because seriously, "Are you gonna wait for your sign? Your miracle? Stand up and fight. Your back's to the corner. THIS IS IT."

And yes, I picked that song because I can't stop watching Yacht Rock on youtube.

Betsey Booms said...

Rassles, you totally reminded me. This morning I named my husband's butt "The Sexy Zone"... Mostly because I'm a tool.

But I'm supposed to contact Kenny Loggins to see if he can create a soundtrack for it.

I think it should wear aviator sunglasses - The Sexy Zone that is.

Miss Yvonne said...

OMG, I've been dying to see the Asian Steve Perry ever since my husband told me about him. Creepy.

The REAL STEVE PERRY Journey died the day Randy Jackson joined the band...with his pink guitar and zubas. Shame on you, lame Journey.

Hey, remember zubas?

P.S. I'm stealing your punching koala line. It's gonna totally get me laid tonight.

Sheri said...

Yeah, the punching koalas had me rolling, too. That is totally something my hubby would say.

And I have to agree about Fire Woman. It RAWKS! I must say, though, that the whole thing reminds me of Arrested Development and Gob's theme song of the Final Countdown.

Rassles said...

Kenny Loggins doesn't have a phone. He only communicates via killer guitar licks and smooth vocal harmony.

And good luck getting him to do a soundtrack. There's no way Loggins would ever sell out to Hollywood, unless it's for Kevin Bacon. Or Chevy Chase. Or Tom Cruise. Or Eddie Murphy. Or Tigger.

J said...

BB, you seriously crack me up.

Momz said...

whats a midwest? yeah i said it. you've been tagged you hot momma. check my blog & tell me 6 random things about your fine ass self. pretty please. xo

ghost of keywork said...

I would travel back in time in a magical phone booth collecting famous historical figures with George Carlin as our guide. Because San Dimas High Football Rules!