Monday, March 9, 2009

How To Feel Like The Walking Dead In Two Easy Steps, And Not The Awesome Zombie Dead, Just The Dead Dead

"With Fervor!" is how I would describe the way I bit into a piece of moldy bread this weekend. In my defense, I didn't notice the giant, green pond of mold until after I had thoughtfully chewed and swallowed. (It was so not thoughtful at all. It was a feeding frenzy, if you could have a feeding frenzy on one piece of bread.)

That first bite? Delicious, yet nearly vomit inducing. I noticed I had a fraction of an inch between my teeth marks and the penicillin packed punch of moldy fantastic that I had somehow failed to notice.

None of this is the point though, so I should really move on. The reason I was shoving whole grain bread down my gullet like it was something ten times more awesome than bread (like Cool Ranch Doritos, Mutha) is because after my pants declared that I'm an asshole and that they couldn't stand to be around anymore, I put myself on this crazy, no bitch ass calories, fuck you processed foods diet that has made me reclaim my prized Calorie Nazi title.

I'm not going to get into details. Mostly because I know I'm not alone in finding it annoying when bloggahs go on and on about their awesome fat fighting wars.

What I'm trying to tell you, in a really wordy and less than intelligent way, is that if you are going to go on a mad crazy detox diet, don't start on Daylight Saving Suck Ass Weekend (DSSAW - which I'm also going to refrain from rattling on about because everyone on the net is pissed, we get it).

Otherwise? You might find yourself, standing in your office on a Sunday, devoid of all life sustaining energy, shoving moldy carbs down your throat just so you can muster the energy to scrub a toilet that may or may not have other people's short and curlies thrown about it like confetti (seriously? These people lose underhairs like mad, wolfen freaks).

Really, I think the only way to end this is with an illustration. You are most freaking welcome, my little Love Cats:

Also? I'd give away someone else's left testicle for some cheese right now. This? Is going to piss "someone else" off and I don't care.

Suck it, someone else, suck it.

PS - I watched Gangland - Aryan Brotherhood this weekend, rather listlessly but still I watched. Oh the shivs I saw. It was shiv heaven. You know, if shivs were in anyway at all heavenly and not creatively crafted mechanisms of death.

My fascination with shivs has got to end but I'm just all amazed at the inventiveness of it. There is no place on Earth that the phrase "necessity is the mother of invention" is more relevant than in prison.

I didn't know I could write disappearing messages in my own urine.

Now? You are excited for tomorrow's blog post, I know. Boss Urine Messages!


Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Omg, you literally made me gag with the moldy bread story.

rachie! said...

Is that the gangland where they talk about Keister Stashing? Because I loved that. We said Keister Stash for at least 6 months after seeing it. i think I'm going to start saying it again.
Moldy bread is gross. I'm pretty sure zombies don't eat at all, so maybe you are 1/2 zombie with a 1/2 arm. A gross moldy bread eating half zombie.

Betsey Booms said...

Yes! Totally the keister stashing one!

My gawd. I've been looking for things to keister stash ALL DAY.

Everything is too sharp, too point, too porous to reuse, too office property... Whatever.

rachie! said...

If they can Keister Stash a razor-edged toothbrush handle, you can totally Keister-stash a few pencils. Or a stapler.

Betsey Booms said...

Obviously? I would just be a complete failure at keister stashing for the Aryan Brotherhood.


Miss Yvonne said...

At first I thought your drawing said "Erection of an inch" and I thought man, that would totally suck. Then I read it again and realized that I need new glasses and to stop watching pornos.

rachie! said...

I was cringing & butt-clinching the whole time I watched that episode. I wouldn't want some of those things in my pocket, so we don't even need to go there.
WE? Don't belong in jail.
So now you'll be looking for an excuse to say that you Keister stashed something and no one will ask an appropriate question.
Hey B, can I get one of those awesome aprons? Sure, it's been keister stashed for you for a week now!

Betsey Booms said...

I'm absolutely positive that keister stashing would be detrimental to the apron business.

Nobody wants an apron that's been in my... ahem... keister.

It's okay, because I never wanted to be a Charles Manson follower anyway.

mongoliangirl said...

Isn't there some way to make a shiv out of very old and almost completely dry toothpaste?

Betsey Booms said...

MG - If that toothpaste has any give left in it, quickly shape it into a point and let it dry the rest of the way out.

If not? Well, do you know how to wittle?

Rassles said...

Oh, "fuck you processed food" diets are the worst, because it's like, you feel better, and you have more energy, but all you want to do is waste that energy on Cool Ranch Doritos.

Betsey Booms said...

I just said the most amazing thing about cool ranch doritos and then essentially told them to fuck off and Google lost it.

So Fuck you Google.

You're cool, but not Cool Ranch, Cool!

for a different kind of girl said...

OK, moldy bread grosses me out and all that, but I swear to heaven it's the short and curlies on the toilet that gross me out even more. Here's my plan, so if you want in, speak now - You start mass producing some of those shivs, and then we go around the world attaching them to toilets. It makes peeing an adventure, and it prompts those who don't dare check themselves before they wreck themselves (by sitting on the shiv, naturally) to turn around and make sure they didn't leave any DNA samples on the seat.

P.S. I tossed some moldy pita bread this weekend. On second thought, it was pretty damn gross.

Chris said...

I think in prison, Necessity is the Bitch Ho of Invention. Pimps it out for a carton of smokes.

Johnny B. Truant said...

You know, everyone bashes this weekend. It makes me want to make a sword out of a frozen fish and try to impale people with it, except that it will be futile unless I use a marlin or swordfish and let's face it, you can't use those like a sword because you need two hands and some extra people.

We get a FULL EXTRA HOUR every night? I mean, Jesus! And by "Jesus," I mean that Jesus is here in my office (he's fixing my LAN) and he just read that over my shoulder and tells me to say, "That's right, motherfucker. Daylight savings time rules all. That and Dokken."

mongoliangirl said...

I think I will just wittle a shiv out of the sole of one of my hillbilly boots. I rarely wear them anyway.

Betsey Booms said...

Is it entirely blasphemous or just a little blasphemous to say that Jesus really is omnipresent, because I could have so sworn I keister stashed him.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

OLLCJ would shiv you for that last comment

ghost of keywork said...

Honestly, Jesus keister stashed the chronicles of his fall from grace. That's why we don't know teen/tween/young adult Jesus.

Vodka Mom said...

you are too damn funny.

And moldy bread? holy crap.

Bridget said...

I sort of threw up in my mouth a little bit. I didn't think it was going to get any grosser after the moldy bread, but then you went for it and brought the pubes into my Tuesday morning. Thank you for that. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I totally dug the shiv that was made out of styrofoam cups!