Monday, June 15, 2009

In The Last Week, My Kid Has Become A Total Clutz. Or, How My Kid Preps For The X Games

My kid is a walking bruise. I'm starting to think that his sudden growth spurt has thrown him completely off his game. Either that, or perhaps I should cut off his happy hour consumption. But you know, the kid has things and issues he has to deal with so hitting on chicks at the local hole is all he's got. I mean have you seen the economy, his stocks are shit.

Wait! Before you run off to nominate me for yet ANOTHER parenting award, I mean seriously, my mantle can't take anymore, let me tell you what I'm talking about.

At this very moment, that little slumbering wino angel has a huge scrape down his back, a bruised cheek, a healing bloody nose and a scrape on his knee. Now you may run off to cast that ballot but he was only in my care during ONE of those incidents.

The scrape on his back we are assuming that he got himself stuck in the little ol' picnic table he was playing on at lunch on Friday at daycare. I mean a kid has to practice sleeping on picnic benches for his obvious future of hobodom.

The cheek happened when Jason was playing around with him and he smacked his face right into my knee. For the record? Totally my UFC knee so you know, he's got a belt coming his way and some deal pushing burgers and TapOut wear.

Let's see here. Oh, right, the bloody nose. Well you see, he was standing on a cow, while playing with his little buddies and totally took a header. I heard he made a full 8 seconds though, so you know PBR (not Pabst Blue Ribbon, ya'll) here he comes. Yee haw.

And, then he scored himself some mild road rash while heading out to check the mail with his dad. This? From the kid who was beggging me to buy him a skate board while he jumped in circles around the house while watching Bucky Lasek and Danny Way this weekend. He yelled "DAKE BOARD" and then would ollie off the couch.

Evidently, when little boys are issued, they need to come with some sort of warning. Because while I'm telling him to, "rub some dirt on it", my heart is breaking into a million pieces.

PS. When you are watching the X Games in 16 years and you see some crazy blonde woman, who is so young enough to still have blond hair, scraping her kid off the ramp, you can say you remember when.


Anonymous said...

Our kids are a lot alike!

Aidan's legs are all bruised and cute. He has a bruise in the middle of his back. He falls constantly (because he's clumsy like his daddy). And he usually always has some sort of knot that is usually black on his head.

And is it sad that the only PBR I know is Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Took me a minute...Prof. Bull Riding??

It's late and I'm tired.

for a different kind of girl said...

I've taught my boys to say "It's just a flesh wound." Happily, I've not seen bone yet, so I can laugh as a means of thwarting any tears, but the first time I see femur, I'm probably throwing up before I get a compress to stunt the blood. Boys are hardcore, but that doesn't stop me from repeating, "Don't try this at home" at almost every turn!

Logical Libby said...

I think kids have gotten more reckless to compensate for the fat the world has gotten safer. They don't have to run from predators, so they toughen up with wrestling moves and fighting with picnic tables.

It's all in that Darwin book...

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Look, I don't say this shit often, but you have the most adorable kid. Ever.

Ginny said...

I bruised my kids' brow bone, when he bashed his head into my travel mug.

At the psychologist's.

While she was standing there.

So all I'm saying is, there's some serious competition out there, toots.

Mr Lady said...

I was going to say something about bubble wrap, but fuck it....Ginny wins.

Mongoliangirl said...

And now I'm thinking about the fact that about 70% of my older brother's fingers are crooked or have little missing parts. All from different insane incidents when we were kids. Everything from trying to use a band saw without supervision to a water slide.
It's amazing he can sign his own name.

Gypsy said...

PBR is my guilty pleasure. I love a cowboy.

Poor little rambunctious boo, though.

formerly fun said...

When my son, now 8, had a growth spurt, he was like a giant head on this skinny tall body and I swear it took him like a month to get used to it. He was falling over, hitting stuff, banging his knees, his arms. I think his body just grew too quick for him to be aware of it.

We too have up to this point only had "flesh wounds" with the kids. With three adventurous kids, I know a broken bone is in my future somewhere, sigh. I hope I don't pass out.

cozzie laura said...

This totally explains why I'm so attracted to the Fab-man's scar collection.

He literally has a scar on his forehead where his cousin clocked him with a frying pan (age 9) and one on his leg (neighbor's dog age 11)

BTW, Ginny, best comment ever!

Miss Yvonne said...

Watch that kid closely...won't be long and he'll be trying to jump off the roof into the bushes to "see what it's like". I know this from experience.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

How come you didn't go with the blonde stripe girl?

I like this too though :)

Betsey Booms said...

DPH - I have soooo many designs I'm in love with right now, that one will roll in here eventually!

Rachel said...

I will probably be right there next to you.
WE can share an ice chest ;-)
PS love the new header!

Hockey Girl said...

is it me, or is it everytime you take the kids to the doctors they are covered in I am saying to myself..."please dont call social services on me" Or my favorite, when it is picture time and there is a huge welt on their face. I love boy toddlers, mine is a walking train wreck.

Love the new desing.

Rassles said...

Oh yeah? Well, once my kid stole my AK47 and totally like, killed his sister, howling "when you absowootwy positivwy gotta kiw evwy muddahfuckah in da room!"

Plus, he's imaginary.