Monday, January 26, 2009

Now UFC Me, Now You Don't...

Jason and I spent Saturday night watching UFC fights and drinking beer. This happened mostly because I'm a guy with boobs. I had watched pieces of the fights here and there but had never really invested my time into watching it. Now I realize just what a huge mistake that was!

First thing I noticed was that the lightweights fight just like teenage girls, out behind the school, by the tree at 4:00. With the exception of hair pulling, I'm pretty sure I used half those moves in the gravel road in front of my parents house after softball practice when I got my shirt ripped off and ended up scrapping it out in the street wearing shorts and a bra. I know, I'm just a walking wet dream, aren't I?

By the end of Saturday night I was positive that I could be a UFC fighter. I mean, I can take a punch just like a good Irish beer brawler (just like my dad) and you show me how to do a rad knee bar and I'll get any bitch to tap out (just like my mom). Yeah, you like that? I'm all like official and stuff. I'm not totally down on the weeping head wounds or the fact that some sweaty chick would be holding me down, blowing her bad breath in my face but really? I've had worse nights. It was called Friday.

So when the re-broadcast of the Couture/Lesnar fight started first I told my husband how hot Randy Couture is, which I know could have been the booze talking since the guy looks like he ran into the back end of a semi, repeatedly, but no, I Googled and still that boxer nose is righteous. I then spent the rest of the fight trying to ignore the fact that my husband supposedly watched this very fight at his friend's house and crawled home bombed in the early hours of the morning but yet, he couldn't remember how a single one of them turned out. But I was able to put that aside when I decided it was time to try some moves on him. The thing is? I didn't kick his ass at all, I didn't get him to tap out and there was no TKO - Unfortunately, my husband is just really turned on by a chick trying to wrestle him to the ground and yelling "Take that, MOFO!" He didn't even mind my weeping head wound, sweaty chest or bad breath. He then asked me to re-enact the bra/shorts scene from the 8th grade girl fight and I knew I had lost.

But still I was riding high on the adrenaline and the visions of my future as a bad ass, cage fighting mama. I grabbed some of the beer bottles off of the coffee table and headed out the garage to throw them out while still reflecting on the bitchin' smack down I just laid down. I stopped and emptied them into the garage drain and chucked them into the garbage can and then turned to go back inside and lay another round of the Betsey Booms Punishment on Jason. Realizing the floor around the drain was wet and super slippery I went to jump over it and in a fantastic show of grace and agility, my foot slipped in the frothy brew on the cement floor and down I crashed onto one knee.

I sprang up only to limp into the house. As I shamefully climbed into my bed with the ice pack I realized my UFC fighting days were over. But for one glorious Saturday night, I kicked some major ass.

Even if it was just my own.



By the way, I took this shot using the "CUISINE" setting on my camera. Not just because it was totally appetizing, but because there was no "Drunken Wound Incurred While Acting A Fool" setting. Also? I didn't scrape my knee at all. That is just what happened from the sheer impact of kneecap on cement.

I'm awesome.

15 comments:

Rassles said...

1. Randy Couture is definitely hot.

2. I am obsessed with MMA fighting.

3. I watched the Miss America pageant on Saturday and it was the lamest thing ever. Your story is better.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

What really happened was your awesomeness needed an outlet before you REALLY layed the smackdown on Jason. So knowing this, your knee told your foot to slip, causing you to fall and thus letting your awesomeness escape.

J said...

I am going to have to agree with DPH on this one. You totally kick ass.

I don't watch that UFC stuff, but I get how it is addictive.

captain steve said...

Damn, that looks like it hurts.

Miss Merry Sunshine said...

Eww ouch!!!

DONNA BOGIE said...

That looks like a rug burn I had once! Hurt like hell. Why are knees and elbows so painful?

A Jill of All Trades said...

Eww.

I love UFC!! I get excited when I watch it like I want to go out and kick some ass.

We should hang out sometime!! We could create a women's UFC. If we lived closer...

lol

Allie said...

I had a similar knee injury a few months ago, mine was caused my a totally kick ass game of hide and seek. I was so totally rad that I tucked and rolled and ended up back on my feet...then I crumbled to the ground again when I tried to put any weight on the knee. My knee hasn't been the same since but how many people can say they have honestly been injured in a game of hide and seek? In my own way I think it makes me awesome.

rachie! said...

You badass

ghost of keywork said...

Idiot.

Betsey Booms said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Betsey Booms said...

Rassles - yeah, my night was way cooler than your night of watching the Pig Parade.

DPH - Sweet Baby Jesus Awesome!

J - Awww Shucks...

Capt. Steve - Yeah, what you can't see is that it's bruised all the around and swollen. It's all stiff and fun to walk up and down stairs with.

Miss Merry and Donna - Ouch is freaking right.

Jill Of All - That sounds like a heapin' helpin' of trouble if you ask me.

Allie - Hide and Seek and Dodgeball injuries are pretty much the most badass injuries you can sustain.

Rachie! - I know, right?

Ghost - Suck it.

Amy Prather said...

I used to work the UFC Fight Club table (check in's and party booking) and seriously... meeting Randy Couture was one of the neatest things. Nice guy, his ears - not-so-much - but really great. GO Capt. America! PS - if you want to watch a good fight, wait for the GSP (Georges St. Pierre) and BJ Penn fight - those are some bad asses and worth the PPV fee...

But - aside from all that - the damn octagon needs a hot blonde MILF on the ringside carrying the round signs. Not these cheesy ass girls...

Keep rockin on! You're the lightbulb on my dark days here lately! Thanks!

http://s30.photobucket.com/albums/c339/SnowWhite760/UFC%20Stuff/?action=view&current=IMG_4389.jpg Here's proof!

KaritaG said...

OMG that was hysterical. You are classic. My former Jason used to love UFC too and I kind of got into it for a while too! It's addictive.

Miss Yvonne said...

My husband loves to watch that stuff...me, not so much until...

One time I watched some fighter's nasty cauliflower ear get popped open during a fight. OMG!!!! Suddenly I was hooked. Any sport where things swell up and pop is a sport for me.