Monday, January 26, 2009

80's Street Wear Ain't For Sissies

For my birthday two years ago a friend of mine at work made me a pair of fingerless gloves. Since my birthday was in August, fingerless gloves made sense at the time. I mean if you're going to wear gloves in 100 degree weather, my guess is you'd want them to be fingerless.

Actually, they seemed totally rad at first. I was all excited because now I could rock the 80's break-dancing hobo look. Or even better? Big city wheel-chair bound back alley mugger. Because that look was completely in two years ago.

But like so many things, what excited me at first quickly wore off and the flash and allure of my new fingerless gloves faded fast. Mostly, because it was freaking August.

They went to the way-side to be forgotten and never worn. Until suddenly, this winter I inexplicably found myself without any gloves. I have no idea where my favorite gloves went and all my spares went to my kid, because yeah? She couldn't find her little backside if it wasn't attached to her... um, backside.

So there I found myself on a dark, cold night, ice on my windshield and no gloves in my pocket, when it occurred to me that my super-bad fingerless gloves were in my center console. I dug out Super-Bad Lefty and Super-Rad Righty and put them on my frozen hands. And that is when I figured out something that I should have known and would have known if I wasn't all dizzy with the pull of the dark, seedy street fashion underworld.

What I'm saying is that there ARE reasons why fingerless gloves are bad motherfuckers:

* Most obvious and important - Playing 80's break-dancing hobos - livin' ain't easy when you're jumping on trains with your boombox and cardboard dance floor. Your hands need protection. But just the palms.

* Let's be real, fingerless gloves are handy because in cold-weather, boogers happen. I'll leave it at that.

* Smoking. I don't do it, but totally hard to do in gloves.

* Changing the radio station in the car. No more fumbling around, hitting two buttons at once with your bulky fingered gloves.

* Flipping the bird. Because it's not even possible with mittens and not nearly as effective when your middle digit is hindered by all that glovey goodness.

* Looking like a bad ass UFC Fighter - shut up.

So yeah there are tons of reasons why fingerless gloves are a freaking great invention.

Now let's look at the cons:

* Um, unless you're all palms your hands are fucking cold! Seriously? This is the dumbest shit ever.

All I can say it's a really good thing that my husband likes to play break-dancing hobo and mean train conductor in the bedroom or I'd never get any use out of these things.

And now that I think about it, I don't think that chick is my friend at all. She evidently hates my fingers and wants them to fall off. But not before I battle this guy and go all Breakin' 2, Electric Bugaloo on his ass to win his flannel shirt and two-bedroom cardboard shanty. Wonder if he'll throw in that soda bottle of his urine.


Rassles said...

Fingerless gloves are. the. shit. Much like Air Force Ones, I need two per.

So I? (Can keep on stompin' in my finger-less gloves.)

Yeah, I totally just did that.

Seriously, fingerless gloves make everything easier. Opening beer cans. Playing jacks. Shooting craps. Using a remote. Building Lincoln Logs.

They're amazing.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to have a pair of fingerless gloves in my office at work. Typing with mittens on makes my shit look all:

goaidaoidfypdifaidufuadfiaudf dodiufaoiufpoiaudfoif fiafdpoaiufd

Now, *I* know that says, "Stop spending money, you dumb shits but my faculty probably don't know that.

KaritaG said...

I've often thought I would like a pair of those a) for the coolness quotient, I mean, come on, they just look badass...and also because even after my heater has kicked in, my steering wheel is still freaking freezing. Nuff said. You rock.

Ryan Lawson said...

Those fingerless badboys look completely rad enough for typing-marathons in the dead of Canadian winter. I have a pair, and mine are purple. My dog's breath smells like dog food.

Love Ry

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Yeah, I don't think I could roll with fingerless gloves. The one's with fucking fingers don't even keep me warm enough!

Rassles said...

Oh, and what's with the Gondor ring?

Betsey Booms said...

That is not a good shot of my awesome tree ring.

Trust me, Gondor couldn't handle this shit.

Anonymous said...

Did you moonwalk whenever you wore them? That's what I want to know.

Oh how I long for a pair of fingerless gloves right now. They've turned down (off) the heat at Investments r Us to save money. My fingers are blue.

Miss Yvonne said...

Holy shit, your ring is awesome! I wish I had one, but I know I couldn't pull it off. I would be all wearing it and people would be all "ummm, why do you have a tree on your finger?" and then I'd be all "up yours".

The fingerless gloves are rad. They are totally Corey Feldman rad.

Sarah said...

Awesome ring (even though blurry)!