Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It's Not Hobo Humping, It's Flank Steak, Subs and Naked Time

For some unexplained reason, my husband wanted to eat a sub sandwich naked today. Actually, I can totally explain, so excuse my lying ways. He wanted to have sex while eating a sub sandwich.

Look, I'm not saying anything here he didn't already allude to on Twitter.

The thing is, I'm all about eating a sandwich while getting it on. You know how people are always all, "strawberries and whip cream"? I've always been more of the, "throw a steak on his chest and let's get this thing done!" kind of girl. Which seems maybe just a little weird, but I'm married to a man who wants to do it with a 6 inch on wheat in his hand. So your opinion of weird might not jive with mine.

I met him at the sub place for lunch and because I wasn't wearing a skirt today and we were in broad daylight, I couldn't swing the naked time. Not even partially naked but as we sat down to eat, I took my first bite and said, with my mouth full, "This? Would be sooo much better with your penis in me."

He was completely not amused.

And then? We went and bought flank steak.

And then? He almost hit a professional baseball player with his car while yelling at him out the window.

It was close to the best lunch ever.

Oh, and I have to go the whole weekend without making even one hobo joke. I feel myself getting ready to explode already.


PS - Now I have a post it on my monitor that just says "MEAT" on it so I don't forget to take home the meat. People are looking at me weird in my office.

PPS - Weirder than usual.

16 comments:

ghost of keywork said...

Loved. This. Post. Oddly, I don't have the hankering for a sub.

Miss Yvonne said...

If you think about, there are so many things that would be better with a penis on the inside. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking french fries.

Who am I kidding, I'm always thinking french fries.

Gwen said...

Serious. What isn't better with a penis (or steak, your pick).

IB said...

gives a different meaning to the slogan: "5 dollar foot-long"

for a different kind of girl said...

Best post ever in the history of the Internet!

I have had sex while reading a book and watching TV. Those were different times, btw. I just felt I should clarify. Anyway, I guess what I mean is, having snacks involved is not something I'd be adverse, too.

Now, make me stop before I say something about mayo.

miss. chief said...

wow. i mean... what's sexier than a sub and running over baseball players on the internet?

ghost of keywork said...

Know what isn't sexy, anywhere? Mayonnaise.

Logical Libby said...

Just don't go for anything spicy... I learned that the hard way.

Gwen said...

It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George tried to eat the sandwich while having sex. I guess in the right situation food and sex can mix. I just find that eating makes me feel very unsexy. Now my husband would probably love to eat a sandwich while I went down on him. Eh, maybe for his birthday.

Janine said...

Ok, I'm not a fan of mixing food and sex. Don't judge me, as I do not judge you.

However I learned through extensive research that you cannot laugh (no not giggle - laugh) and have intercourse at the same time. I believe this is God's way of making sure we take sex very seriously and don't go around eating subs and laughing with someone's penis inside us. Or something.

God is always coming along and ruining our fun.

ajillofalltrades said...

I'm just a throw a steak on it kind of girl.....
hilarious!!!

Why was he not amused?? Shit, my husband would probably have a heart attack and die if he could do me while looking at the engine of his car....while it's running.

Captain Steve said...

Never really liked whipped cream. Big fan of cool whip though. Not necessarily during sex. Cool whip is an anytime thing, I think.

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

Yes, thank you, I'd like my sub with salami, sausage, pickles, eggplant, zucchini, and a little bit of, what do they call it, you know... oh yeah, penis.

On rye.

But hold the mayo, please. I hate when that gets all around my mouth when I'm, uh, eating.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Is it odd that after reading this whole post my only question is which basketball player?

Gypsy said...

This was awesome. I'm having residual giggles that will likely follow me around all day. MEAT

Love Bites said...

Boyfriend and I have sex all the time watching NASCAR. Make of that what you will.