Friday, April 17, 2009

I Crushing Your Head Because Lassos and Invisible Jets Are Played Out

I lay in bed, working and stretching out all of the kinks that always work themselves up overnight and hang around until my medicine kicks in about an hour later. So I stretched and did the very same thing I've done every morning since I was a little girl.

I reached my arm out and took my fingers and did the "I crushing your head" move to something across the room.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, well... You need to check your freaking life. You've fucked up somewhere along the way.

So I lay there and I do things like pull my drawers open from across the room. And I pick up things that are on the shelf, way over in the bathroom. I even do it with my foot and kick imaginary holes in the wall. I can actually see the sheet rock crumbling.

And that's when I realized that this? THIS? Would be the most awesome super power EVER!

I just don't know what to call it when I finally get asked what super power I'd liked to be assigned. I kind of think I just made it up.

I am, however, absolutely positive that if a hipster was going to have a super power, this would be the one, because you haven't seen this before. And if you say that you have? You are a fucking liar. Or you spent a lot of time in Europe, whatever.

21 comments:

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

The Kids in the Hall!!!

Betsey Booms said...

Wait! But what if I call it "The Kids In The Hall" power and instead they make me into a man that makes a really unattractive, funny lady.

That would kind of blow.

Miss Yvonne said...

I do that all the time! The crushing your head thing. I've never done the kicking holes into the wall thing, but I'm totally starting that tomorrow morning because it's awesome.

I think you should call it "Telekinetic Destruction".

SciFi Dad said...

OK, so I have to weigh in here, (I am SciFi Dad after all).

What you're describing is called telekinesis: the ability to move things with your mind.

It's been thought of, once or twice: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fictional_characters_with_telekinesis

Betsey Booms said...

NO! It's not telekinesis. I'm not using my mind. I'm using my fingers from across the mother fucking room.

Do not shit on this.

Rassles said...

It is most definitely NOT telekinesis. It's Skullfuckery.

You invented it. Quick - write it down on a piece of paper and mail it to yourself as proof.

Captain Steve said...

I want a superpower called skullfuckery! I don't actually care what it is, just so long as it's got a badass name.

rachie! said...

I knew Rass would have a great name for it. Perfection.

rachie! said...

Booms - if you don't like the "skull" part, then it has to be called "fingerfuckery" and that just doesn't bring the same thing to mind.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Booms, did you see the episode where he broke his fingers or something and had to go to finger therapy and he was like dipping his crushing fingers in and out of ice and stuff just to get his head crushing abilities back?

Betsey Booms said...

DPH - Ha ha, no...

But I'm going to have a personal trainer at the Skullfuckery Hall of You've Never Seen This.

It's going to be my headquarters.

I'll ice my crushing fingers there.

And Rachie! That is just kind of effed up.

You're super power would be keister stashing. I've decided.

rachie! said...

No!!!! Currently my superpower is Incubator. It blows.
Unless -- Oh! Yes! Unless my keister stashing super power is to store things in OTHER PEOPLE'S keisters. And retrieve them. With no "residue".
Then, OK.
Because I'd totally be storing a piano in somebody's rear.

Betsey Booms said...

My God, Rachie! Do you have any idea how popular you would be with inmates?

Well, at least half the inmates. The ones that were keister stashing against their will would be fucking pissed.

rachie! said...

Pissed at me? Don't be pissed at me! I will totally stash all the AIDS in the world in your Keister!

I'm starting to think this could be the best super power ever. If I can use my Skullfuckery fingers from across the room to stash things. I don't want to have to pants anybody and spread the cheeks.

Lolly said...

HAHA I do the head smooshy thing with my fingers when someone is pissing me off. Or I'm bored.

for a different kind of girl said...

I have taught my boys The Crushing Your Head move. True, it was a bad move on my part. Now that they know my power, they also can worm their way into my weakness, which I can no admit here because all I need is more people all up in it.

mongoliangirl said...

I like to do that to our dogs and say, "Crush, crush, crush your leeteel head!"
Of course, I also tell them, "I am going to cut your leg off and fry up that ham hock right now!"

formerly fun said...

I miss Kids in the Hall, Cabbage Head, chicken lady.... Good times. My super power is I can ferret out lying even without the Wonder Woman lasso of truth. My kids hate it, it's become so acute that it works on strangers now too.

Sheri said...

LMAO! I worked in a bar where a co-worker and I would kill time crushing asshole customers' heads. It was the best. I never thought about it as a super power, thou. AWESOME!

maggie, dammit said...

I can totally see you with a cape and a magical tool belt. It's not even a little bit of a stretch.

Gypsy said...

I just crushed your avatar. Hope it didn't pinch.

Crush like grape!