Monday, April 20, 2009

Hypothetical Suburban Yard Wars, Or The One Where I Figure Out It's Easier For Me To Spell Hypothetical Than It Is Suburban...

Hypothetically speaking, let's say that there's this guy who lives on the corner in Suburbia. His lawn is immaculate. As a matter of fiction, he is a grass dork. He dorks out on having the best lawn on the block.

And he does. The shit is fantastically green and lush.

So much so that, hypothetically speaking, his friend allegedly threatens to piss on it all the time.

The other day Hypothetical Man noticed some hypothetical dandelions had cropped up. And when he looked across the hypothetical street he noticed that Presumably Jack Ass Neighbor on the opposite fictional corner hadn't mowed his grass that was more dandelion than not.

So let's keep up this really fucked up hypothetical mess and say that maybe,just maybe Hypothetical Man drank some alleged beers. Wait, that's not right. They actually were beer, that can be proved so I guess he drank beer. Just beer. And, maybe, just maybe the more he drank the more pissed off he got at the dandelions. He was revving up to be a mushroom cloud laying, dandelion killing mother fucker. But mostly, he just got pissed off at the guy that I totally just made up that lives across the street.

So Hypothetically Drunk Man allegedly went down into his imaginary garage and filled a completely theoretical sprayer with vegetation killer. Supposedly, he then under the cover of night, sprayed a good chunk of the Fuck Face Neighbor's lawn with the totally unproven chemical.

By the way, I'm speculating when I say he's a fuck face, I don't really know, for obvious reasons. However, I have a suspicion that Hypothetical Man might be presumed to be a huge douche for this. Especially when he raced outside the next morning to see the California Brown grass across the street.

What do you think?

Also? Hypothetical Man may have come into my room while I was laying in bed and shoved a spoonful of pudding parfait in my face last night.

I may have still been pissed off this morning.

That's my theory at least.

22 comments:

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I think hypothetical man has some huge hypothetical balls.

Ryan Lawson said...

At the risk of offending my host, I think I love Hypothetical Man.

Betsey Booms said...

Ryan - No offense taken, I'm hypothetically married to him.

DPH - You are hypothetically correct.

prayingtodarwin said...

The hypothetical fuck face across the street was, in the vernacular of the Fonz, "cruisin' for a bruisin'". (Insomnia = hello TV Land)

I can only aspire to getting a set of those hypothetical balls. One day.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Did Hypothetical Man spray the words 'Fuck Face' on the lawn with his hypothetical grass poison?

Rassles said...

Hypothetically speaking, if some Hypothetical Man killed my dandelions, I would retaliate. Weed or no, dandelions are buckets of fun.

~Rubyredruca~ said...

That is hypothetically funny.
I was just going to write that your husband was funny, but I noticed all the other commentors added hypothetical to it.

Captain Steve said...

If hypothetical man travels, I've got some hypothetical neighbors whose lawn he could hypothetically demolish. I would supply the hypothetical beverages needed.

hereinfranklin said...

I used to fantasize about dismembering my hypothetical neighbors (after I burned their house down), so I'd say yours got off easy.

Zeynep said...

reminds me of another hypothetical man waiting for his hypothetical neighbors to leave their house, breaking into the said hypothetical neighbor's backyard, spraying frog killer stuff on a hypothetical neighbor's lawn because the frog in the hypothetical zen garden pond thingy just would not shut up all night long and the hypothetical man, thinking his neighbors just arrived home, jumping into his car and crashing through his hypothetical neighbor's front wall into his living clad in hypothetical ski mask and all. could very easily happen to a hypothetical stepdad.

Miss Yvonne said...

Hypothetically, it's really good that we don't live next door to Hypothetical Man...because our hypothetical weed that keeps growning next to our mailbox is getting really hypothetically huge.

Betsey Booms said...

Miss Yvonne, can you hypothetically smoke that weed?

Betsey Booms said...

Scandalous Housewife - if he did that then the hypothetical neighbor would probably know which foul mouthed neighbors did it.

for a different kind of girl said...

Did the pudding parfait by chance have a delicious layer of crushed up graham cracker crumbs? Because the answer to that question could really hinge on where I go with my thoughts on this.

Also, would Hypothetical Man consider lighting my neighbor's fence aflame?

Gwen said...

I don't have any clever commentary to add here - only that, like Ryan, I sort of love hypothetical man. And dandelions are awesome flowers. Even if they are technically weeds.

Sheri said...

OMG- this hypothetical man needs to take a hypothetical trip down to another hypothetical suburan area to take care of someone elses hypothetical neighbor.

Oh, and I may or may not know a hypothetical man that threaten hypothetical backyard neighbors' hypothetical dogs that won't stop barking when drunk.

Jason said...

This Hypothetical Man sounds really cool

Shawna said...

Hypothetically speaking, of course, my husband might be the kind of man that returns our neighbor’s dog shit back to them - on their front door.

Lisa..... said...

I think hypothetical man may be related to my Father in Law. Otherwise known as Retired Guy With the Perfect Yard. When he visits he washes my windshield (no one should let their windshield get dirty) and tells us what we're doing wrong.

ajillofalltrades said...

It is absolutely hilarious that he would do something to benefit them out of anger. Take that you damn dandelions!

And that shit isn't cheap either! Hypothetically speaking....

Gypsy said...

I'm trying to picture this... Did he do the spraying under cover of darkness, with a mask? Or was he just all blatant and shit, walking over there doing his spraying business.

Jason Lindt said...

Was said Hypothetical Man smoking any hypothetical cigarettes at the time?

Because I sprayed my own lawn with chemicals a couple of years ago ("Gotta kill it all!" I said ...), while chain-smoking and ended up in the hospital for a week.

It was yet another occasion for me to quit smoking.

Word of warning to everyone: don't smoke while applying herbacide to your (or anyone else's, for that matter ... ) yard. It can mess you up, bad.