Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Because Sometimes My Email Is As Freaky A Place As My Mind

I'm all frisky this morning just like my five pound Yorkie Poo after she gets groomed. Probably because my hair is nearly the lightest shade of platinum I could muster without turning it blue (actually it was blue for a moment), and I'm back to my awesome bangs. I couldn't handle that side swept, get a hair cut already, bullshit I was sporting.

What I'm saying is my ass is wagging around like I just found a ball I totally forgot about under the couch and it's the coolest shit EVER!

Also, I came into some fantastic email love from Miss Yvonne and sometimes you realize you can touch someone's life even if the entire state of Oklahoma separates you from them. Check it:

Depeche Mode came on XM this morning on my way to work and it made me think of you, and then right after that Billie Idol's Dancing with Myself came on. For reals. I was air punching the shit out of my drive today. It was like you were there, except you weren't and I was by myself shoving my fist into the air and curling my lip and then the lawn guys at my office saw me and started laughing and I was all "fuck you, lawn guys! You don't even know how cool I am...I'm Miss Yvonne, assholes!" and then I did a double air punch just to spite them.

And, you know that touches me in a special place I call my heart. It's like feeding little hungry children and shaking hands with lepers. Only the kids are still hungry and there isn't enough hand sanitizer in the world to make me touch those zombie freaks.

It's okay, lepers don't have feelings so don't get all crazy on me.

Inside of the little oasis that is known as my email is also an email exchange I had with the Dirty Pirate Hooker, in which I offer up some fantastic parenting advice she in no way actually asked for:

DPH: Omg, my kid is Hitler this morning. I refuse to sieg heil.

Me: Well you should, or she's probably going to rape you and throw you in the gas chamber and that would be all kinds of wrong.

DPH: I'd take a violent rape and gas chamber over her attitude today.

Me: Holy shit. What the fuck is the matter with you?

DPH: I don't know. I haven't had enough coffee yet.

Me: Well apparently. You're kid is a tool of the devil. Pretend like you don't even notice.

DPH: I wish I could video her rants in the morning and show her why I'm a drunk in 10 years.

Me: Can't you just get her up from bed at like 10:00 at night and show her that you're a drunk now?

Oh you said show her WHY! My bad.


And that is why I'm watching episodes of In Treatment lately. I need to brush up on listening/advice giving skills.

The moral of today's story. If you send me an email, it might just make it to my blog. Actually, more than likely it will. My life is a little on the slow side. And, if we're all not careful, our kids are going to get video of us looking like David Hasselhoff with a cheeseburger.

32 comments:

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

The sad thing? This is probably one of the more mild email exchanges we've had.

Betsey Booms said...

That is totally a true story.

I'm going to write a book of our exchanges.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I think it could be a best seller. We could be like Dooce, but cooler cause we're not douche bags :)

Betsey Booms said...

Welcome to my new motto:

Like Dooce, but less douche.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

We need to get on copyrighting that, pronto!

ghost of keywork said...

Can't we just set up a blog like "I Hate Dooce Blog". Because, well, she isn't funny.

Betsey Booms said...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that has been done. There is even one that is written by her kid in the future where she just hates on her mother.

ghost of keywork said...

What about 'DPH and Tits: Not Dooce'.

ghost of keywork said...

Wait, does she have Australian children?

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I'd like to share something with the class if I may. Its a little off subject.

Me: stop holding the cats against their will and they won't scratch you!

Punk: I didn't hold them against their will this time, my hands weren't even close to their butthole's!

She's a special one...

Betsey Booms said...

I see my parenting advice is paying off. Unwarranted or not.

You've done well, DPH.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Thanks. Its been a long road.

ghost of keywork said...

I can't tell you how excited I am about the prospects of being able to see all of this first hand.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

It will be like living with Dumb and Dumber. Only cuter.

MommaKiss said...

I like air punching. I like to sing along to poppy rap songs (right round) - and I'm a total white chick loser - so it's quite hilare.

Please, may my child never ever see me as wasted as The Hoff. I've been there - but hope they never have to see it. That's for my enjoyment only.

Betsey Booms said...

Please just tell me that you give that kid hand sanitizer.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Booms, she has her own bottle in her backpack. This is exactly the reason I have a "no hands on the face" rule.

ghost of keywork said...

Tits: You're one of those 'good parents' that cares about their 'child's health', aren't you?

Betsey Booms said...

Yeah, I guess I am. I also live under this delusion that they don't actually touch real animal assholes.

It's a pretty world, why are you muffing it up?

ghost of keywork said...

She'd be better off giving me a bottle of hand sanitizer. Mostly because of the Doggy Sanchez.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

What a pretty world that is Booms

Betsey Booms said...

I know. Could you imagine if I ever stepped outside my own head how freaking disappointed I'd be?

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Yeah, fantasy worlds kick so much more ass. Why do you think I drink?

Betsey Booms said...

Why does it seem so sad that I don't even have to drink to achieve this level of delusion?

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Its because you have pills to achieve this euphoria

Betsey Booms said...

Oh right, thanks for the reminder.

Otherwise, I'm pretty sketchy. I forget until they wear off.

for a different kind of girl said...

This is gold. I work in a bookstore, so you can trust I'll do whatever I must to pimp out your future book as best I know how, which, granted, isn't much. I'm just saying that I'm willing.

rachie! said...

I can't wait until you can give me unwarrented irrelevant parenting advice!
The punk and her idea's on where cat's keep their wills is pretty exciting. And possibly right on the mark, too.

Miss Yvonne said...

I forgot to mention in my email that I also saw a picture of DM in Star magazine last night. It's pretty obvious that you are sending me messages through XM radio AND trashy magazines. You are totally the Perfect Mind of blogging.

I don't even know what that means, but it's awesome.

P.S. Is the song called "Policy of Truth" or "Police of Truth"? It's been bothering me all morning.

formerly fun said...

That video of David Hasselhoff was disturbing.

Seriously, don't hassle the hoff.


BTW, Dooce but less Douche is awesome.

Gwen said...

Yeah, In Treatment is just fascinating television. I was watching it this morning and realized that I'm far crazier than any of Paul's featured patients, current and former. Freaked me out a little bit. Paul is tasty though. I would totally have an erotic transference issue with him.

I loved that DPH/BB exchange. I would buy a book of those for sure.

Mongoliangirl said...

Oh shit! This reminds me that I have drunk Rassles emails in my inbox that she's given me permission to post on my blog!
Fuck! Searching immediately.