Monday, March 23, 2009

Updated! - My Kid Just Coughed Up Something That Looks Like Joaquin Phoenix

Crazyman Jones has been sick for days now. Shortly after I discovered that he had coughed until he threw up a half-crazed, bearded actor this morning and started calling himself "Young Wheezy", I too developed a hacking cough. Jason spent the better part of the morning in and out of the doctor's office and then the hospital when it was decided that the wheeze wasn't just an affectation that Crazyman developed to set himself apart from other toddlers and sky rocket his career to stardom.

Nope, it's just a case of bronchiolitis and possibly hairballs. And that knowledge dashed my dreams of Casey Affleck following my son around with a video camera while he launched his rapping career and beat down hecklers. Which is a shame, because my kid is mad awesome at beating down hecklers.

Instead? I just get to hook my kid up to a nebulizer everyday, but already I'm working on getting him to say, "Luke, I am your father." It sounds just a little like, "Wuke, amabada fawda."

Close enough.

All of this might explain why my kid had taken to calling me Mandy all weekend long.

Or maybe not.

*** Just realized, this does not explain why his dad called me Mandy all weekend.

So the lab just called and RSVP'd and I was all, "The hell, I didn't even invite you and besides, I never expect anyone to actually RSVP because I never do, I'm THAT person." As it turns out, they weren't RSVPing at all. They didn't even want to come over for a beer. Jerkoids. Instead? They were telling us that Crazyman has RSV. Which is not nearly as much fun as an RSVP - not even close. It's mostly just a virus he got from kissing some kid at his daycare. That kid's mother, never took her to the doctor. Oh and yeah? All the kids have been sent home for the same thing we were just the first to take our kid to the doctor, and a hospital, oh and a lab too. See the cool part about being responsible is you get to find out the really bad news before anyone else and when you think it means that you are throwing an awesome party that you forgot about, it's even more disappointing.


Lolly said...

HAHAHAHAAAA your blog posts are always hilarious. LOVE IT.

Miss Yvonne said...

Awwww, poor little dude! Please record him saying that line and send it to me, because I want to make it my ringtone.

Also, I hope you took a picture of the Joaquin he coughed up. That shit can make you money on the interwebs.

Deb on the Rocks said...

I'm pretty sure I can make it to your party, especially if Joaquin is going to be there. He owes me money.

What should I bring?

for a different kind of girl said...

You know what would be a good idea? I mean, aside from getting Casey Affleck to drop his gig with Joaquin and just come hang out at your place? Get all the other parents from daycare to drop you a cool $20 co-pay now that you may have helped them diagnose their kids. Hell, demand it! If nothing else, you're looking at grocery money, baby!

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Dude, that sucks ass. Punk has bronchilitis too. Irritating, eh? Plus, they gave her an inhaler which only cracks her out and makes her MORE hyper!

Kellie said...

That BLOWS! Poor kid. Yet one more reason I HATE parents that can clearly see their kid is sick and not only don't bring them to get checked out, but send them to daycare to infect others.


Gwen said...

Poor little crazy man jones! I hope he feels better soon. He seems like he has a good and twisted sense of humor, which is the panacea for many ailments.

ajillofalltrades said...

But see, now he'll be better for the rest so when he returns he might just pick it back up.

Keep an eye on him bc from what I hear RSV can be really dangerous. Not to scare you or anything, but I've heard a lot of kids sick from this and dying as well.

ajillofalltrades said...

"better BEFORE the rest" what I meant.

damn I'm tired.

Hedon said...

Ok this might be the most stupid question ever but... I've been out of the loop. Is Joaquin Phoenix a real person or just someone you made up?

Or did you make him up and then he became real cause, you know, you just have that kind of power? And if you do have that kind of power can you make me a little robot person who can drive when it's my shift?