Thursday, March 19, 2009

I'm A Total Hack

And that's basically because I spent the duration of yesterday with not a single thought in my head.

It turns out that lack of things like caffeine and chocolate really plays a huge part in my ability to form thoughts and complete sentences. Hell, it really hinders my ability to just, you know, come up with words.

I spent most of the day grunting and falling asleep whenever the mood struck me. This pleased my bosses to no end and I'm pretty sure they're going to promote me really soon. I guess what I'm saying is that if I were a semi-delicious, breakfast "pastry" that you put in the toaster - I would have been a dust poptart. No delicious, gooey center of s'mores or cinnamon or strawberry. Just the dust from the cardboardy outside. And I wouldn't have even been the good frosted kind. I'd be the dull kind that just had holes that made you groan, "mawwwwwm, ugh, I hate this kind!" at your mother when you opened them. Hopefully, she would have smacked you and called you an ungrateful little shit. Because parents could totally get away with that back in the day and let's be real, you are an ungrateful little shit.

So here's the thing about that, that's fine for this crap pot pie of a blog, but then Rassles wrote me and asked me to guest post for her while she is in the Big Easy. I may or may not have called her a dicknose in the process of telling her I would do it. But the point is that I told her that I would. And she totally forgave the dicknose thing, mostly because I'm pretty sure she would have done something similar and she just may have written me on a weekend night and if that happens you just never know what the response is going to be. Oh and anything that was written on a shirt that Stiles wore is fair game for us to call each other. Plus? She sent me a picture of a monkey with a nose that looked just like a dick.

Turns out Rassles is a like a crazy deadline giver and wants me to actually give her something before she leaves for her trip. So I may stick with the dicknose thing because she's forcing me to do something today.

My hacky ass is hopped up on Diet Dr. Pepper and mini chocolate donuts because it also turns out that edamame and fucking yogurt just doesn't cut it. You can't write like a manic freak show if you're half dead from healthy eating.

You just can't.

PS - I have a banana in my lunch bag that is getting all sorts of ripe and now my lunch bag smells like the one I had as a kid.

Well minus the warm bologna and slimey American cheese on crap bread smell.

16 comments:

Miss Yvonne said...

Dude, I totally have the same banana in my lunch bucket right now!

Yes I said lunch bucket. Because I'm retro and cool like that.

P.S. I hope you learned your lesson about eating healthy. The lesson is this: it sucks and it's stupid so don't do it again.

Rassles said...

SUCKER

Lara said...

I gave up pop for lent. I don't know why, I'm not even Catholic. It just seemed like a healthy thing to do. Really dumbass idea though. Turns out that for me too, living without caffeine isn't an option. Especially since I'm currently driving kids around for 3 hours a day.

I bought a large iced coffee on the way in to work. Why be healthy when you can be awake instead?

rachie! said...

So... you didn't learn from your guest post on AAYSR?

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Oooh, that will be fun to read, dicknose.

rachie! said...

I feel the need to comment twice to make up for the suckers you lost due to your fabulous (and not at all assholey) AAYSR post. The losers who stopped reading you suck.

prayingtodarwin said...

I am seriously in shock that people would stop reading over the review. God, it just made me like you more! I've always just read you from a bookmark, but today, you go in the reader. Take that, you ship-jumping losers who left!

Lolly said...

My husband can function for several days on end on nothing but Diet Dr. Pepper and cigarettes.

Betsey Booms said...

See? I was totally right! They weren't the kind of readers a girl wanted anyway.

So yeah, suck you ship jumping a-holes.

Ahem.

Rassles said...

People left you because you have stellar judgment?

Fools, I tell you.

Rassles said...

Sorry.

Shit.

Dicknoses, I tell yo.

Rassles said...

Or would the plural of dicknose be dicknosi?

Sometimes English is so hard.

Betsey Booms said...

It might be dicknosae.

for a different kind of girl said...

Those waxy chocolate frosted donuts are like rocket fuel. Delicious bite sized nuggets of rocket fuel.

Captain Steve said...

Eeew. Crap pot pie.

mongoliangirl said...

I haven't had enough coffee to read and thought several of the variations considering the plural form of 'dicknose' was 'dicknoise'. And, you know, I just can't be dealing with a dick that makes any noise this morning. Or ever really.