Dry Roasted Edamame And Why They Are Going To Kill Me

Yeah, it seems kind of useless to devote a post to St. Patty's day. Mostly? Because the whole point of the day is to get drunk and piss green.

I'm totally for those things. I mean, really, I live like every weekend is a tad St. Patty's like. And, I've learned over time if you actually piss green, it's not always cause to go to the doctor. Not until like the tenth time or so.

Chance are most of you are going to be drunk today and doing things like wearing too many cheap plastic beads, stupid hats and maybe even showing your boobs. Also? Donning shirts that dare people to do things like Kiss You Because You Went To Some College but if anyone really kissed you, you'd be all freaked out and then might spend an hour in the bathroom crying and heaving. So you won't be reading this, you'll be reading bathroom quotes and scripture scribbled with a Sharpie on the walls of a stall that no longer has a door and toilet paper all over the floor, but not a single usable square on the actual roll. You'll want to throw your shoes away at the end of the day, because really? Do you know what you've stepped in?

Oh and if I eat one more dry roasted edamame I am going barf my brains out. I just can't stop. And they taste like shit. Not just shit, but like they just might have been sitting in your grandma's basement forever and you just found them and were all, oh here's a good looking snack, sort of reminiscent of dried up bug bodies but more soy bean like. And if you put them with Light, Fat Free Lemon Cream Pie yogurt it's just fucking sick. But it didn't stop me. And here am, doing some weird variation of slurping and crunching and my stomach is yelling at me to stop, stop, stop! And then I tried to wash it down with a Diet 7*UP and it's like a big stew of diet nasty in my belly.

With that, I'm off to find some place that 20 people can walk to, sit outside, eat lunch and drink beers in a city that hosts the third or fourth largest St. Pat's parade in the country.