Monday, March 16, 2009

I'm Going To Be A Toothless Old Hag...

This morning I went into the dentist's office and I was all, "hello world, lets dig and scrape at my teeth this morning. I cannot think of one single, solitary thing I'd rather do. Other than perhaps poke myself in the eye or better yet? Prostate exam!"

I know, but I would rather have someone dig for my imaginary prostate.

So when they asked if I had any concerns about my teeth, I offered up that I had a huge gaping hole in the middle of one of them. Oh and I had broken off more than half of the tooth as well. "Should I poke myself in the eye now? No? Wanna see my prostate?"

"What is that you ask? How long ago? Oh about two-weeks." Because December totally was two weeks ago. I remember it being two weeks.

And then the dentist went at my face with a shiv and I wasn't even excited. He scraped and hacked. He dug and poked my gums, who didn't even see that shit coming. Then asked me the questions he always asks about my wisdom teeth that I have not yet given up, because you read me, you know I need that shit. The wisdom, that is. Teeth are kind of optional.

And as it turns out, they really are optional. Early this morning my dentist made me weigh out the pros and cons of teeth having. It's not something that I ever really pondered before that very moment. Honestly, there really isn't enough caffeine to make that feel easy or even normal. I had the option of dropping a ton on a crown that MIGHT last 5 years or having it removed. I could pay for a filling in a wisdom tooth that is useless or I could have it removed.

In the end, my dentist was very sad to hear that I would have the uncrowned tooth yanked. He said they like to save teeth. However? I was totally not fooled by his pouting face. Because have you seen the difference in cost between a filling and crown and just having a tooth pulled? No? It's the difference between a robot that pours you beer, cleans your toilets, makes cheeseburgers, BACON CHEESEBURGERS and looks like Teen Wolf and the Omnibot 2000. I mean the Omnibot was righteous in it's time, but a complete let down.

It was apparent when his dollar sign shaped eyeballs went crashing to the floor that I had just omnibotted his cha-ching dreams. Oh but you should have seen the glow return to his eyeless face as he spout out the joys of bridgework and better yet! Dental Implants! Yeah, we're having fun now, kids.

I spent the entirety of my ride to work smiling into my rear-view mirror. And, unless I smile like a freak (shut up) there is nothing to worry about. I won't be flashing my hole at people.

Not even if you ask.

Weirdo.


PS - My husband is super stoked at the idea of having a toothless wife. He said we can drive through trailer parks without weird looks now. And when we want to go to pawn shops or swap meets, people will stop asking us if we're lost. Also? The DMV and Wal-Hell will now accept me as one of them.

16 comments:

KaritaG said...

Oh gah I bet he was *sad.* I have canceled my last two dental appts and am scared now to finally go...at least you'll be a hot, blonde, toothless hag, right?!

Ryan Lawson said...

For the record, and because this will totally help you in every single way, I have no wisdom teeth.

Never have, and won't.

This next step in evolution right here, my dear... I'll send you more information when I get the brochure done.

Love Ry

Betsey Booms said...

Jason is yelling at me to quit calling myself toothless.

Oh and he will tell you, wisdom teeth are useless.

He doesn't have any and obviously they aren't helping me much, right?

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

The only thing my wisdom teeth ever did for me was fuck up the rest of my teeth. But I still have them.

Marion in Savannah said...

Oh, sweet baby Jesus how I'm howling! I have 2 dentists (yeah, don't ask) whose kids I'm keeping in Ivy League colleges. I used to have a third, the oral surgeon, whose heart I broke when I told him he couldn't do serious surgery to remove an "impacted wisdom tooth" (sounds painful, right?) that I was totally unaware of having. So I have wisdom, but it's impacted in my jaw...

Oh -- by the way -- periodontal surgery is nowhere near as horrifying as people make it sound, PLUS you get really heavy duty drugs.

rachie! said...

I hate the dentist. How is it that I have insurance and it STILL costs me a grand to get anything done?

Miss Yvonne said...

Wisdom teeth are overrated. I had my pulled 15 years ago and I am a total genius, so don't be scared.

I don't know which is better, missing teeth or gold teeth. I have two gold teeth that you can see if I smile really wide. I call them my street cred teeth.

ghost of keywork said...

What, hubs doesn't like a good gumming every now and then?

Tits, make with the filthy stick figure porn.

Brandy Rose said...

I had my wisdom teeth removed but the fucktards left pieces in there and said they'd come out on their own. Still haven't.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Dentists are such rip offs. Even with insurance that shit costs so much! I will walk around toothless with you

for a different kind of girl said...

I had my wisdom teeth removed a bunch of years ago. If I still had them, I would have said "several years ago" and not "a bunch of years ago." Clearly, there's something to be said for the wisdom those things give a person.

Rassles said...

All dreams that I don't approve of should omni-botted. End of line.

Seriously, that is the best verb ever.

mongoliangirl said...

Oh you KNOW you're going to have to do one hell of a lot more than loose just one tooth to be accepted into a Wal-Mart in the Ozarks.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Holy crap. I HAD the Omnibot in the 80's. Is the Omnibot in that link missing his tray? Mine had a tray on which he would serve me drinks. Well, technicaly, he would serve me a cup on its side and a puddle of orange juice, but he tried his best.

Lisa..... said...

I freakin hate the dentist. EVery appointment leaves me a few hudred bucks broker. Is that a word?

Gypsy said...

I've been avoiding the dentist for a while now, which is not good, but is wonderful for my lack of shiving in the mouthal region. Now I want to keep on avoiding him.