Monday, February 9, 2009

Wolf Man's Got Nuggets!

This is being written from the comfort of my living room couch on a Monday morning. Monkey is sick today. She's simultaneously warm and clammy after having tossed her cookies. Or I guess she tossed her wolf nuggets.

Delicious and nutritious, wolf nuggets.

Last night as Jason was making dinner, I decided to learn my kids the Gospel that is Teen Wolf.

I know, I should have my parental rights stripped for the delay in that major milestone. But better late than never, right?

So, Jason is in the kitchen being my personal chef and the kids and I are watching Scott Howard's coming of age story when Monkey eeks out the most loaded question you can ask in our house.

"What's for dinner?" she almost absent mindedly muttered?

"Wolf nuggets.", I said.

Monkey: What? Wolf nuggets?

Me: Yeah, wolf nuggets, what of it?

Monkey: Nuh uh.

Jason: Yeah huh - wolf nuggets. But you know they are illegal, so don't tell anyone.

Monkey just looks sickened.

Me: Yeah, totally. Jason had to go to a special market to get them. He had to know a password and everything. What was the name of that market, Jason?

Jason: The black market.

Me. Right, the black market. So, it's delicious and nutritious wolf nuggets for us.

Monkey: Sick!



Monkey: Gah.

We settle down for a bit. Crazyman sees Jason is prepping dinner so he goes and climbs into his booster to demand that dinner cooks faster.

Me: Mmmmm, I can't wait for some wolf nuggets.


Monkey: Ugh. (Her shoulders start to hunch, beginning the process of her folding in on herself.)

Me: (To the tune of Hot Blooded by Foreigner):

I got Wolf Nuggets
Check it and see
If I've got one then I've got three

Come on baby, give my nuggets a chance.

I've got wolf nuggets, wolf nuggets!


Monkey is totally screwed up at this point. Sucking lemons doesn't come close to her expression.

Me: Go ask Jason to see the nuggets.

Heading into the kitchen, she sees Jason holding up the chicken fried steak he's making and Monkey promptly looks like she's going to puke.

Crazyman, still in his booster, banging his fork: AAAAAAOOOOOOHHHHHHH

Me: Never say die, Monkey, never say die.

Jason: Dinner's ready!

Monkey sits at the table and her shoulders hunch further in, completing the "my parents are such turds" folding herself in half, tween maneuver.

She eyes the food on her plate, willing the vomit to come and get her out of the whole scene.

Jason: It's chicken fried steak, Monk! Give me a break!

Me: giggling



Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I think my favorite part of all of this is that you sang a wolf nugget song. I do the same shit. You should hear my rendition of Justin Timberlake's "rock your body"

"I'm gonna wash your body, todays the day, wash with me. Don't be so quick to, wash away, all the grime. Wash with me boy..."

I'll save you from the rest of that

I'm also home with a barfer today.

Rassles said...

This is perhaps the first time in my entire life that I wish I was married with kids.

First time ever.

Monster Squad. Teen Wolf. Fucking FOREIGNER (which is, as we all may or may not know, the greatest band of ALL TIME, and if you don't like Foreigner you're a goddamn liar).


Betsey Booms said...

Rassles - Let's be real here, being married to me has to be like in the top 2 things of rockin' shit that's happened to my husband.

I used to live in the town that Foreigner was from and Lou Gramm seriously does weddings now.

J said...

Dude, BB. Your blog is fucking killer lately.

I love that whole 'black market' joke. Priceless.

rachie! said...

Awesome. I wish I lived closer to you so you could torture my future kids. I'll just have to take notes from your blog and reread whenever possible.
DPH, up at the crack of dawn. Sucks to be you.

Allie said...

Dude, you torment your kids the same way I do, only I tell them we are eating bugs or poop.

I am Trish Marie said...

I love gullible kids. And songs.

Yesterday Emmi got blue (washable) paint in her hair. Jill asked about, and Kenny and I convinced her that we dyed Emmi's hair blue. You know, 'cause Emmi likes to ROCK (at which point Emmi does the air guitar). Jill was pissed because I wouldn't dye her hair blue, too.

Miss Yvonne said...

I saw that Teen Wolf was going to be on the CW on Sunday night and I about died laughing and my husband was all "what the hell is wrong with you?". So I tried to explain your blog and I don't think I did a very good job because he didn't laugh and clearly you are hilarious so can you please come to my house and act out the Teen Wolf 1/2 arm zombie shiv thing?

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

LOL that song is going to be stuck in my head all day!

Lisa..... said...

Torturing my kids is my number one job as a parent. Good to know I am not the only one.

hope505 said...

I love it!!!
WOLF NUGGETS....check it and see!!

Vodka Mom said...

you just kicked ass.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I was all prepared to make some snarky commentary about Foreigner and Wolf Nuggets, but then I read a comment "Dude, your blog is fucking killer lately."

And now I am just pissed and jealous nobody has left me a comment like that.

Sarah said...

Loving the shiv talk. I'll give you 50 cents if you work "Shillelagh" into one of your posts.