Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Today is not yesterday

Today is not yesterday, mostly because I'm at home again. Crazyman's sitter took the day off so I'm at home with him and his fantastic sippy cup throwing abilities. As a matter of fact, I can feel his eyes burning a hole into my head as he is willing me to look at him so he can throw his cup again to alert me to the fact, again, that he wanted the orange one and NOT the blue one.

I'm so ill equipped to do this mothering thing the way he sees fit. I don't know how he copes. I'm guessing lots of cigarette smoking and complaining to the bartender when he sneaks out to knock a few back at the local hole in the wall.

My asshole dog decided to chew on the bathroom rug and eat a spot bald on it. She's protesting the fact that she has already eaten bald spots into her smelly stuffed dog that I won't let her keep on the couch today.

I'm regretting teaching her to fetch, because everytime I throw the half bald, stanky ass stuffed dog carcass down the stairs she brings it right back. Note to self: scrap the design for the dog carcass boomerang. It's annoying and nobody wants the dead dog body to come back.

Nobody.

Besides when you throw U-shaped dead dog bodies, parts tend to fall off. And I'm thinking of the liabilities of people getting hit in the head by dead dog testicles at the park. People can complain about ANYTHING!

All of these things are better than yesterday when some guy with a tiny dog came in with a bag of dog shit and slammed it onto my desk because the owner of the black dog (my boss) evidently didn't pick it up out of the dog park behind our office. He kindly wanted to return it to the rightful owner and my desk looked like just that person. I personally want him to prove that the shit didn't come from his dog and that it did belong to our dog. I'm thinking a taste test is in order. It would be much like the Pepsi Challenge of the 80's but with more of a need for breath mints in the end. Seriously, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

I spent a good amount of time debating on whether this incident was better or worse than the time the hobo came in and accused me of having his shoes. He swore up and down that I had his shoes. My co-worker assured him that I did not have them and that it was best that he move on. He said he'd be back.

I'm really glad he never came back though, because do you know how hard it is to find a good pair of hobo shoes?


PS - I was really disappointed when I tuned in to see the 8 armed OCTOMOM on Dateline last night only to find out that it was a freakshow of a totally different kind. What a bummer.

9 comments:

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I can't believe the guy put shit on your desk, at least he didn't roll up a newspaper and hit over over the head and say "bad Betsy Booms, bad"

Miss Yvonne said...

Thanks for telling the dog shit story, I just knew you wouldn't disappoint.

I happen to think the dog carcass boomerang is a fantastic idea. Maybe just make a dog testicle carcass boomerang...then when it hits people in the park, you can be all "What did you expect? It's a testicle boomerang. Duh."

rachie! said...

You are awesome. That is all.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Um yeah, I would demand a DNA test on the dog shit.

Rassles said...

Today is not yesterday for sure.

If you're going to officialize a Dog Shit Taste Test, I'm making t-shirts.

Betsey Booms said...

T-shirts are definitely called for here.

The taste of a bitchin' generation...

Miss Merry Sunshine said...

Wow that is crazy! Nothing interesting ever happens here...snooze.

I am Trish Marie said...

I used to be a leasing agent at an apartment complex back in the day. Two of our residents got in "whose dog is leaving behind the poo" fight. One of the two residents went about collecting ALL the dog poo on the ENTIRE property, then lined it up on the other resident's doorstep, spelling out "It's ur dog" in poo! Ha! Best moment of my entire career!

margeys said...

where the HECK do you work? sounds like you have some interesting days there...