Friday, January 2, 2009

Spilled Milk

We rang in the New Year with two other couples. They all came over to our house for shrimp, crawfish and a tur-duck-hen. If you are unfamiliar with a tur-duck-hen, feel free to Google, but I can save you the trouble by telling you that it is meat, wrapped around meat which is wrapped around more meat and stuffed with...

Wait for it...

CHEESE! I kid, I kid. No, it's stuffed with meat. Essentially we brought in the New Year by making vegetarian's everywhere visually and audibly cringe. I actually heard a collective veggie shudder as I took my first gravy covered bite.

I had consumed enough alchohol at that point though to not fear actual fowl retribution. When I awoke in the morning, I remembered and began to watch my back. Our fine feathered friends are some sniper shooting bitches.

All three of us couples have kids that are less than two years old. However, they all had people watching their offspring, Jason and I did not. Which meant that Crazyman got to attend his first, adult, New Year's gathering. He was so excited, he could hardly contain himself. It was on this night that I truly realized what a picky little metro-sexual that I am raising. While I was wearing what I considered to be a beautiful, hand made top that was actually made by yours truly, our living room couch looked just like this:

My son decided that these things were passe and truly sooooo last year. So at approximately 10:00 pm he decided to re-decorate and re-style my whole ensemble.

What did he do, you ask? Well do you see that middle cushion there, as well as the one on the right? Now picture that I have handmade throw pillows that I lovingly stitched myself sitting right there. Got it? Now cover them all with the largest puddle of milk vomit you've ever seen. Splash a little down my back onto the calf of my brand new SEVEN jeans. Don't get a single, solitary drop on my kid and you've got it! Voila! 2009's hottest and smelliest look and I got it a whole 2 hours early.

You? Are so jealous. Go on, you can say it.

He went to bed and I got to spend some serious time burning through a bottle of OxyClean and then the rest of the evening modeling my best tank top/sweatpants/house sweater combo. Gah, I am the picture of hawt, aren't I?

Since one couple lives two blocks away, they made the trip home while the other couple stayed the night to ring in the new year in complete safety. Crazyman kept the gifts flowing by waking up at 8:00 with a snotty nose, cough and an energy level that put healthy toddlers to shame. Complete with screaming, stomping and the throwing of balls at the bedroom door of the room they stayed in, they were quick to try to reserve a spot here for next year's celebration. I'm taking reservations now, if you're interested.

Hurry up, spots are filling fast.


Pam said...

seriously....what is with our kids? Though states away from each other- they insist on going through these stages together. I too wore a lovely vomt sock and scrubbed the carpet at my in-laws....I'm thinking some type of rubber padded room for these two....oh heck, who am I kidding- for us!

rubyredruca said...

You're brave to have a white couch with a toddler!!!!

Rassles said...

I love tur-duck-hen. It's a trifecta of fowl.

O'Neal (The Woman In Charge Around Here) said...

I'm think'n it's a conspiracy amongst toddlers everywhere, maybe it was via subliminal messages tough some Noggin show. Either way I spent the better part of my night changing non machine washable bedding and made my way through 2 brand new bottles of OxyClean that by the way only removes the visible parts of the reproduction of the exorcist but NOT the smell. I could prolly deal with the 2 yr old redecorating my house but the 27 yr old poor sick wittle baby has no excuse.

I know none of that made any sense but just know I feel your pain with the regurgitated milk products!

Maggie, Dammit said...

That sounds just like my New Year! Except instead of a one-year-old it was a dude in a cowboy hat and cinched jeans, and instead of three other couples that I know it was a roomful of rabid 80s freaks, and instead of Seven Jeans I think they were Target brand. But otherwise, very similar!

Happy New Year, darlin'. Hope your kiddo feels better.

Amy Prather said...

Hello shitty new year! Yeah, me too. It can go away already! And white couch, is indeed brave... :0)

formerly fun said...

What is it with all the puking kids this holidays??

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