Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Spam In A Box

When my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas I oddly told her I'd like a tanning package. Generally I avoid those lighted coffins like the plague with the last time I went being right before I got married and honeymooned in Mexico. Because, let's face it, I use White-out for concealer, if you put me that close to the equator I get salty and fried like Spam in a trailer park.

We are going on vacation next month and just like Spam again, I'm all fatty. Fatty and pasty, while that is a tempting and tasty combo, it's really best not viewed in bright sunlight, standard reading light or really any light outside of deep, dark cave. Also? I'm sick to all hell of being freaking cold all the time. Laying in a big warm box sounds like a little bit of heaven. Maybe not to veal but it does to me. Mmmmm, baby cow from a dark box. Who doesn't like soft baby cow meat?

Yesterday, I decided I would stop in on my way home. My previous session resulted in a scorching burn that had finally toned from magenta to a soft baby pink and it was time to do it all over again. I should also tell you at this time that about half-way through the day I had realized that I was wearing my underwear inside-out. Rocking at life since 1977.

Leaving work ten minutes early which ended up being eaten up by traffic through the construction area that has been sucking ass on my daily commute for months now, I made my way to the tanning salon. The two teen geniuses behind the counter barely acknowledged my existence and sent me to bed three. It was there that I greased myself up like a good little pig and climbed into the box. I cranked the fan and settled in.

Just as I got comfy the fan kicked in blowing torrential winds straight up my ill-nah-nah. As I laid there fighting gale force winds I really pondered just why they haven't made a room spray in Windy Poonanny scent. I didn't come up with an answe though because it wasn't long before the scent turned and became Burned Cookie.

Naked and slippery, I climbed as not gracefully as possible out of the bed, I looked at my pile of clothes.

For the life of me I just didn't know what to do.

So you tell me? Once you wear your underwear inside-out for 10 hours, exactly which way do you put them back on?

In the end it didn't matter. Jason and I got along last night like my creamy-white butt cheeks and UVA rays. We went to bed red and angry at 8:00.


Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I hate the first time going back to the tanning salon for my pre-summer tan. I burn so bad and hurt for days


I love to tan, but I never seem to aquire that golden color, I stay kinda pink on my upper half and light brown on the lower half, but it is 20 min. of uninterupted bliss! And the first time I always burn my butt cheeks real bad!

Baby N's Mom said...

are they putting you in there for too long? with your skin tone you should only go for about 4-5 minutes to start on a 10 minute bed then work yourself up.

Holy Crappers said...

I hate to tan, just another thing to do on a very long list.


Amy Prather said...

Windy Poonanny!! LOL! I don't tan... I'll tolerate pasty white to avoid burned buttcheeks and poonanny...

Leah said...

I don't go anymore, but I loved the stand up tanning booth. Windy Poonanny hilarious. As for the panties, turn them the other way and instant freshness.

Sheri said...

I am trying to imagine the Windy Poonanny scent and becoming horrified. LOL

Hope the tan takes. Me, I avoid the sun at all costs. My kids are really bugging me with this whole "must play outside" and "we love to swim all summer" thing. UGH!

J said...

My ass always burns the first time I go to the tanning bed.

So, the question is, did you put your panties on inside out again, or right-side in?

A. Kichu said...


Betsey Booms said...

Bird - I may have exaggerated my burn just a tad!

Donna, amazingly I can tan. I used to not tan well but seems to have changed as I've gotten older.

Cuz - Um, I exaggerated like I said. I started off at 6 minutes. I know what I'm doing... kinda. ;)

Holy - I kinda feel the same way. But it's the only thing I'm currently doing "for myself"... you know.

Amy, Leah, Sheri - seriously, windy poonanny!

J - I put them on inside out. Mostly because I wanted to wear my jeans again - if you know what I mean.

A. Kichu - Um Hi!

Captain Steve said...

The last time I tanned I looked like an oompa loompa masquarading as a giant tomato. I hate being in weddings.

Lisa..... said...

I'm thinking I need some sort of tan for our cruise to Mexico next month. I've never done the tanning booth or the spray tans. But now I am thinking I'll pass on windy poonanny.

Reeky said...

My wife is whiter than pale so she did the tanning thing 2x for similiar reasons. Pre-wedding and pre-vacation in the tropics. Wedding was so people could see where the dress stopped and her skin started. The vacation thing was to build a pinkish base so not to burn up later. Worked both times.

Advantages of her not being a sun worshipper? Everyone now thinks she is the baby sister, that her sister who 3 yrs younger is the older sister. She's just about to turn 40 and has few if no wrinkles.