Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Who Needs to R.I.P.?

For some morbid and not at all cheerful reason I was thinking of what I would want them to put on my headstone when I die. Not that I'm going to have a headstone because a headstone won't fit in my husband's pants and since he is under strict instructions to cremate me and then carry me around in his pocket at all times so that when girl's hit on him he can be all, "Do you want to meet my dead wife?" and sprinkle a little bit of me in their drinks like I'm a rufie. I don't think it will actually make them sick or anything, but it will be really creepy and that is my goal. To make him appear as creepy as possible after I die so he doesn't attract a hot, rich girl to make his life happier than it was when he was with me.

As if "happier" exists.

But back to my headstone. So I don't want to be stuck with the ol' RIP, Loving Wife and Mother or in Loving Memory Of. That's no fun.

I'm thinking one of these is more me:

My Dead Wife, Spit Here

Worth More Dead Than Alive, Way More

Another One Bites The Dust
And Other Classic Queen Songs

Being A Zombie Wouldn't Suck Right Now

The Wolfman Had Nards, Don't Kick Them

And personally my favorite:

Dig Here For Free Implants!

Which brings me to wonder why you never see zombies with implants falling out of their bodies in movies. I mean come on, most of Hollywood has had work done. So why don't you see zombie silicone? Could you imagine? The walking dead with their rotting flesh and a perfect rack.

Edited: Does anyone else see how lucrative implant recycling could be after reading this? Or is that just me?


Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I really like the 'dig here for free implants' one. But I think if it were me, I would get 'this bitch didn't know when to shut up, do you'?

Dan said...

I think the answer to the implant free zombies is that all the zombies on TV are so old that the implants have decayed. Thus other than a few possible wet spots as the plastic dissolves and leaks the saline out, no hanging zombie girls.

As to epitaphs, I always wanted
mine to say "I got here first - I win"

Rassles said...

I'm thinking of something along the lines of, "Mind your ankles."

Captain Steve said...

I think I prefer "X marks the spot" for me, but I totally dig the "free implants" one.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I definitely want to be cremated too. I know it's stupid to think, but I don't want to wake up buried alive

Anonymous said...

Dig here for free implants. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Love it.

(PS? Be sure to have my name/number somewhere the husband can find it. I want to be at the funeral. Ya know...to pay my respects. And quite posibly bring your shoes to a new home. And, okay, fine. To dig for free implants.)


Lily's Mommy said...

Eww, implant recycling.

I'm glad I haven't had breakfast yet or I might have spewed a little.

I might go for mummification. But I'm not really into the bondage thing.

Lara said...

I think a perfect epitaph would be "Are you here again? Quit stalking me."

Sheri said...


Okay, we want to be cremated, too. However, we want to buy plots just to have a bad ass headstone.

The hubby wants something like from The Royal Tenenbaums, "Died tragically while saving his family from a destroyed sinking Battleship.". I am still working mine out, but it may say something like, "He did it" with a huge arrow pointing toward his tombstone.

Anonymous said...

Not just you...

What a way to recycle: dig your hands in the beautiful brown soil and snag yourself a pair!

Maybe that should be the subheader!

Reeky said...

Puts a twist on grave robbing.

Love the carrying the ashes thing. I'll never tell my wife what I read here today. She has plans for her ashes. She always said, "When I have kids, the oldest one gets my ashes and has to proudly display them in his/her home"

We have two kids now. 4 and 9. Told my son about how he'll be getting her ashes. He wasn't too thrilled that he'd be the keeper of the urn.