Thursday, January 29, 2009

Put Your Hands In The Air And Slowly Back Away From The Dog, Buddy

This morning was our usual morning ritual, complete with Crazyman laying on our bed, sucking down the bottle that fuels his very existence while Jason and I showered and dressed.

As usual, he was hanging out, watching Blue's Clues and just being generally rad. On the TV Steve, all excited, announces that they just figured out Blue's clues and jumps right into his song about his major accomplishment.

As Jason comes out of the bathroom I'm all, "So glad they figured it out, man. I don't know what I would do if they didn't. I mean if Blue's clues weren't figured out what the hell would happen?"

You know, because I'm crazy clever like that.

"No shit, lady!"

I turned and looked at Jason, "excuse me?" I'm met with a blank look. I look over at Crazyman, he's busy waving his leg around in the air and saying bye-bye at a picture of his dad. And that's when I look at the TV and see Steve looking right at me, giving me the bird and grabbing his nuts. "That's right! I'm talking to you, smart ass."

Me: Uh, I, Uh....

Steve: Right, yeah, you're all smug. Making cracks about the Blue's clues but you do realize I'm working alone here and your little chimp in the footy pajamas is like no help right?

Me: Excuse me? Chimp? Where do you get off?

Steve: See here's the thing asshole, I never get off. I'm working with a fucking cartoon dog here. (Tugging on his shirt, he pulls out a cigarette) I don't get off, I live in a cartoon house, that' worse than my mother's basement. And even if I do look at porn, it's freaking Mrs. Salt and that ho has two kids and is married to a French man. (lights cigarette, puffs)

Me: Jesus Steve, why don't you take it down a notch? You don't have be all, "your kid's a chimp". I'm pretty sure you're making some bank there buddy, don't be a dick.

I look at Crazyman, he's still waving his leg around.

Steve: What the hell do you know? Have you noticed how excited I am when the fucking mail gets here? Do you think that's normal? I'm a grown man playing games with a dog. If I lived next door you'd call the authorities and clutch your kids to you every time I came outside. You know what? This is useless, you're as fucking stupid as your kid.

Me: You know what? Suck it, Steve. You're kind of a mean bastard.

With that I turned off the TV and ushered Crazyman out to put his coat on. As he put on his winter hat and then put a ball cap over it, he looked at me and said, "Hat, hat, what what?" (Yeah, that was for you, Rassles) I thought maybe Steve had a point.

Guess I know why they brought in Joe now.


Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Here's the mail it never fails, it makes me wanna wag my tail, when it comes I wanna yell, maaaaaiiiillllll.

Rassles said...

Um, yeah, can I just say that I've always had a little bit of a thing for Steve? I even have my own Blues Clues Handy Dandy Notebook. Or at least I did like, in 1999.

Anonymous said...

He does have a point....if he lived next door and acted like that with his dog and shit, I'd hold onto Aidan for dear life and hope that he wouldn't come over trying to get all close in my face.

"You know what?" buh urrrr? (that's Blue)

"I have no life!" brrrrrr (Blue again)

Somebody's gotta please our kids though...I'm not doing it!!


Sheri said...

OMG That has to be one of the funniest things I have read in while.

Did you ever hear the rumor about Steve dying from a herion overdose?

Jennerific said...

mail time!! i laughed my head off. best post ever.

Kat said...

From a mom who sees WAY TOO FREAKING MUCH BLUES CLUES... I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the image of Steve gabbing his sack and flipping me off. I shall cherish it every morning of my life, and maybe laugh instead of rolling my eyes at, "We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, wonder who its FROM?!?!?!"