Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My Son's Deepest, Darkest Secret

Isn't this exactly the very thing that critics of mommy bloggers everywhere rail against? Telling your children's secrets on the internet and how they will hate you when they finally discover what you have done? Well have no fear, my husband and I don't so much have college funds set up as we do have therapy funds for our offspring. You can take that idea if you like. I think the insurance world is missing out on that one.

So my beautiful son has a deep, dark secret that has in turn become my deep, dark secret. I find myself avoiding writing about it and if I do have to tell someone about it, I do so through clenched teeth, while making excuses for him. On top of that, I make excuses to myself that his father did it until he was three, so it's genetic and not my shortcoming as a mother at all. Of course not.

My 19-month old MUST have a bottle when he wakes up in the morning and when he goes to bed at night. I know, I know, shut up. I feel you out there judging me and quickly clicking on the comments section to leave some well meaning advice, but please don't. I mean I could tell you how he is standing here next to me in his pajamas and winter coat with his hat on, but I won't. One secret a day is enough for anyone.

Crazyman drinks that morning bottle like it is his job. Like if he stops sucking for one instant before every last, little, sweet drop of milk is totally gone he will shrivel up and die. He struggles to breath through snotty noses to get to the bottom of that heavenly chalice. His first words each morning are "baba" and may the Lord have mercy on your soul if you don't produce it fast enough.

And yes, I've tried to stop it, but you don't know. If you utter the words 'no' and 'baba' in the same sentence the flood gates of hell rip open. If you say those two words in sentences that just follow another, his head spins and he tries to rip your face off. This is not a choice, it is a way of life.

So really, you must realize just how excited I was last night when suddenly my son decided that he could no longer drink his milk out of bottles with pictures on the side. This is a simple fix, I just give him one of the THREE bottles that we have that have no pictures of giraffes or Gumby on the side. Only the thing is at 19-months he isn't equipped to say "You know, Mom, I'm getting a little too mature for these cartoon characters to adorn my beverage. Could you kindly choose a more mature vessel for my sustenance?" No. What he is equipped to do is whine at length for his "baba, baba, MAMA BABA" and then swat the bottle with Glo-worm on the side out of my hand with only a scream and no worthy explanation. Many times I tried to give him his much loved baba and many times it flew across the room with grace and a splatter of the white stuff. Over and over he pointed to the cabinet and yelled "baba!" and gave a look that said "Woman, understand what I say, read my mind, I will use my baby Jedi mind tricks to make you jump off the roof!" And I tried, oh how I tried. Suddenly, as if God Himself spoke to me, it occurred to me and I put the milk in another bottle. And in that moment, I swear to you, I heard Heaven's angels singing in my ears. The roof of my kitchen opened up and God's Glorious Light shined down upon me as if I just pulled Excalibur out of the stone. I had won, even if it was only a small battle.

That was all fine and good until this morning my husband gave him that fucking Gumby bottle.

I will now be off to clean up the mess caused by fire and brimstone, which by the way, brimstone is a bitch to get out of upholstery.


Zephyr said...

THAT is his deepest secret? Damn you are a wimp when it comes to secrets! I'm disappointed. *sigh*

I say that you put the bottles iin a cabinet where he can reach them. He picks out his bottle, hands it to you politely and asks for it to be filled. And if he refuses to ask politely, YOU throw the empty bottle against the wall (clearly you don't want to throw full bottles until he's old enough to clean up the messes) until he learns that the only way it gets filled is for him to ask you the right way.

Once he is old enough to fill it himself, you may want to try to get rid of them. Until then... as long as you can hide this deep dark secret in the recesses of your house, no one needs to know.

Except all of us, of course. But we're clearly not telling... we have our own secrets that YOU know.

Sam said...

Oh. My. GOD Betsey! My son is 21 months and we JUST broke the baba habit. And not even, really, because we just switched to those Nuby cups that are really like, pseudo-sippies - more bottle than sippy, you know? And he STILL screams baba in the middle of the night. I don't fight him. I just get it for him.
I am the suck! He's always either teething or sick or lonely or cute or screaming...
Worse, we don't even try to say bottle in this house. All 4 of us say baba.

I feel like I just confessed all my sins. :)

Sam said...

name - yep me too. Even scarier that google STILL brought me there then, huh?

Mrs. Booms said...

Lara - That's slightly genius.

Gwen - You just made me feel so normal.

And yes, THAT is frightening!

Baby N's Mom said...

Most kids in the orphanages in Vietnam are fed bottles until they are three or more. I wouldn't think twice about it since it's only in the AM & PM.

Kat said...

Mine is 3 and I don't think he was off the bottle until...a little over 2? And he didn't give up his pacifier until 3. The boy likes to suck on things!

He still has a sippy cup of milk in bed every night, who KNOWS when that habit will go away.

You are SO not alone in this.

Amy Bahnmiller said...

Oh dear GAAWD! I had two on bottles at the same time only because they were 9 months and 10 days apart, AHEM - yes I know... - but we moved around a lot and it was hard for them to feel secure with anything besides a bottle... I was lucky enough to chop the nipples off and say they were broken shortly after buying our house... and let me tell you, when those effers are broken, it's done with sista!

Bimbo Baggins said...

Well, I would like to say that I can relate, but I can't. I have a perfect child who was off the bottle the day she turned one. I'm such a perfect mother, it sickens even me!

But I say give it to him for as long as he wants it. Its not worth the fight!

Anonymous said...

Hell let the kid have his bottle!

If it makes him happy I say what the hell... now if he's like heading off to pick up his first little date for the Junior High School dance and wants you to pack a bottle for him you might want to reconsider my position... unless he wants it filled with beer cause that's ok.

Not that you should fill a nippled beer flask for your Jr High aged kid... just that it's totally ok if he wanted one. And besides I think his little Junior High date looks kinda like a hussy -- you might want to hang out and peek through the windows into the gym.

Which means you'll be the one needing the beer bottle. Oh parenting is all so complicated.

Mrs. Booms said...

Hedon - I know, is it wrong to bring lawn chairs and a cooler full of beer so I can sit outside the gym and watch? Just asking.

DPH - Yes, I aspire to be just like you!

Amy - broken nipples, got it.

Kat - you make me feel normal.

Baby N's Mom - Thanks, sister. I appreciate that.

Mrs. Booms said...

Hedon - I know, is it wrong to bring lawn chairs and a cooler full of beer so I can sit outside the gym and watch? Just asking.

DPH - Yes, I aspire to be just like you!

Amy - broken nipples, got it.

Kat - you make me feel normal.

Baby N's Mom - Thanks, sister. I appreciate that.

Anonymous said...


Seems to me that is exactly the RIGHT thing to do. Course I'll tell you what I did when the Spawn first started bringing little punk boys around the house so you'll know where I'm coming from. I took each of them aside and told them this:

"Now, Son, you seem to be a bright and well-raised young man so I'm sure you'll understand what I'm going to tell you here. You had better keep your hands to yourself cause you two are way too young for sex. And if you ever hit her... well... I'm a truck driver so I will drive you so many states away that they will never ever find your body. I'm sure you wouldn't want your momma to have to cry over an empty casket, would you? Ok, glad we got that out of the way. Now you kids have fun at the movies tonight."

Never had a problem. At least not one caused by the boy of the day.

Anonymous said...

Hey my daughter's 3 and still has a bottle in the morning and one before bed; it's the only way she'll get some milk...don't sweat it!

Kono said...

i like to slug red wine out of the bottle, in the morning, before i go to work and take my son to daycare, i don't see the problem with your boy.

Anonymous said...