Betsey Booms Goes Shopping, Chaos Ensues

There seems to be something very strange going on in my horoscope lately. I almost wrote horrorscope, which really? Seems to be right on.

This finally occurred to me this morning when I was flipped off by an old lady. And she didn't just flip me off, she made a show of it. The woman stopped dead on some railroad tracks, which made me stop short behind her. As I'm wondering what the haps is with the chick in the Dodge Neon with mud flaps, I see her angry, prune face pop up in the review mirror. And then I saw IT. The Finger! And it popped up in the mirror, in front of her angry, scrunched up face and then it was like she realized the finger wasn't enough and then she gave it a great big whirl. She whirled that finger around and shook it in the mirror and Lord did I know, that lady meant "fuck you".

For what? I couldn't imagine. As all things have gone lately, I then have to follow behind Senora Sagass Mudflaps for the next mile until it became two lanes. At that point, the biddy pulls into the next lane, stops, glares and gives me the finger again.

This? Made me laugh uncontrollably. I rolled down my window, smiled my brightest smile and gave her a big thumbs up as I rolled by.

I'm pretty sure she needed to look at her fiber intake a little more closely. She was all bound up.

But this is just the cherry on the top of the shit sundae that I lived through on Friday. I had to take the day off because our childcare provider took the day off. I love forced days off.

Several days before I had started plotting my day off. Mostly, it just consisted of me hitting a few thrift stores because I hadn't done that in like 10 years and I thought I might be able to find a few things for costumes.

What I found instead was Hell.

My day started at Monkeygirl's school for 'Muffins with Mom'. Chaos on Crack would have been more apt.

As I took off for the day, it started to rain. Because you know, wrangling kids in the rain is always a great time. It really started as I pulled up to the first store. I wrestled the stroller out of the car, piled in the diaper bag and the suitcase that is my purse and finally strapped Crazyman in.

Into the store I tromp, 2 minutes later, hilarity ensues. And by hilarity, I mean fucked up stuff. Crazyman would not sit still for all the hugs, kisses and cookie briberies I could come up with. He wanted OUT!!! Usually, if I unleash the beast he'll walk calmly by my side and ooh and ah at things. But on this day, I had no idea that the Gods had spoken and declared me to be hamburger meat.

In the flash of an eye, he tore off underneath the clothing racks, never to be seen again. Because when you are frantically looking for your kid, half a minute feels like forever. Searchingly, I called his name and crawled around looking for him. Tears welled up in my eyes. Under old sweaters, around musty stuffed animals and over dirty holiday items I climbed.

How would I ever tell his father that I lost him among old crap and out of style clothes? And then I heard his little feet come pounding up behind me and the giggle that said he was having all sorts of good times. Quickly, I snatched him up, brushed myself off, grabbed the stroller and bolted for the door.

And that's when it happened. As I was backing my ass into the door to open it and get the stroller outside SHE came over. She hauled ass from behind the counter and started eyeballing me.

I stopped, mid Half-Nelson, and looked at her, "what?" She looked at me and then again at my stroller. And it dawned on me. She thought I was shop lifting their used goods.

I sighed, hiked my screaming kid back up on my hip and said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" She looked me up and down again and said, "Next time, leave the stroller outside." Words left me at that point.

I just got accused of shop lifting at a THRIFT STORE.

I stopped long enough to take stock of what I must look like. But I was wearing a designer sweater from Macy's and my 16-month old was wearing a $20 t-shirt. Which if that wasn't enough or even mattered, really, stealing while my kid was doing nothing but calling attention to himself is just brilliant and for that matter, if I'm going to steal the shit they got for free, I'm guessing I probably need it.

And for the record, because I'm a glutton for punishment, I ventured on to another store, where he threw another fit and some lady in a t-shirt replete with holes and stains told me I needed to get him out of there.

I told her she needed to take a bath and mind her own business.

I was entirely not surprised when it was all explained two hours later and he woke up from his nap with a fever.

So with that, I think I'll take my finger and wave it around in the mirror at myself. The universe has spoken and I deserve it.