Monday, October 20, 2008

Betsey Booms Goes Shopping, Chaos Ensues

There seems to be something very strange going on in my horoscope lately. I almost wrote horrorscope, which really? Seems to be right on.

This finally occurred to me this morning when I was flipped off by an old lady. And she didn't just flip me off, she made a show of it. The woman stopped dead on some railroad tracks, which made me stop short behind her. As I'm wondering what the haps is with the chick in the Dodge Neon with mud flaps, I see her angry, prune face pop up in the review mirror. And then I saw IT. The Finger! And it popped up in the mirror, in front of her angry, scrunched up face and then it was like she realized the finger wasn't enough and then she gave it a great big whirl. She whirled that finger around and shook it in the mirror and Lord did I know, that lady meant "fuck you".

For what? I couldn't imagine. As all things have gone lately, I then have to follow behind Senora Sagass Mudflaps for the next mile until it became two lanes. At that point, the biddy pulls into the next lane, stops, glares and gives me the finger again.

This? Made me laugh uncontrollably. I rolled down my window, smiled my brightest smile and gave her a big thumbs up as I rolled by.

I'm pretty sure she needed to look at her fiber intake a little more closely. She was all bound up.

But this is just the cherry on the top of the shit sundae that I lived through on Friday. I had to take the day off because our childcare provider took the day off. I love forced days off.

Several days before I had started plotting my day off. Mostly, it just consisted of me hitting a few thrift stores because I hadn't done that in like 10 years and I thought I might be able to find a few things for costumes.

What I found instead was Hell.

My day started at Monkeygirl's school for 'Muffins with Mom'. Chaos on Crack would have been more apt.

As I took off for the day, it started to rain. Because you know, wrangling kids in the rain is always a great time. It really started as I pulled up to the first store. I wrestled the stroller out of the car, piled in the diaper bag and the suitcase that is my purse and finally strapped Crazyman in.

Into the store I tromp, 2 minutes later, hilarity ensues. And by hilarity, I mean fucked up stuff. Crazyman would not sit still for all the hugs, kisses and cookie briberies I could come up with. He wanted OUT!!! Usually, if I unleash the beast he'll walk calmly by my side and ooh and ah at things. But on this day, I had no idea that the Gods had spoken and declared me to be hamburger meat.

In the flash of an eye, he tore off underneath the clothing racks, never to be seen again. Because when you are frantically looking for your kid, half a minute feels like forever. Searchingly, I called his name and crawled around looking for him. Tears welled up in my eyes. Under old sweaters, around musty stuffed animals and over dirty holiday items I climbed.

How would I ever tell his father that I lost him among old crap and out of style clothes? And then I heard his little feet come pounding up behind me and the giggle that said he was having all sorts of good times. Quickly, I snatched him up, brushed myself off, grabbed the stroller and bolted for the door.

And that's when it happened. As I was backing my ass into the door to open it and get the stroller outside SHE came over. She hauled ass from behind the counter and started eyeballing me.

I stopped, mid Half-Nelson, and looked at her, "what?" She looked at me and then again at my stroller. And it dawned on me. She thought I was shop lifting their used goods.

I sighed, hiked my screaming kid back up on my hip and said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" She looked me up and down again and said, "Next time, leave the stroller outside." Words left me at that point.

I just got accused of shop lifting at a THRIFT STORE.

I stopped long enough to take stock of what I must look like. But I was wearing a designer sweater from Macy's and my 16-month old was wearing a $20 t-shirt. Which if that wasn't enough or even mattered, really, stealing while my kid was doing nothing but calling attention to himself is just brilliant and for that matter, if I'm going to steal the shit they got for free, I'm guessing I probably need it.

And for the record, because I'm a glutton for punishment, I ventured on to another store, where he threw another fit and some lady in a t-shirt replete with holes and stains told me I needed to get him out of there.

I told her she needed to take a bath and mind her own business.

I was entirely not surprised when it was all explained two hours later and he woke up from his nap with a fever.

So with that, I think I'll take my finger and wave it around in the mirror at myself. The universe has spoken and I deserve it.


Anonymous said...

What a bunch of crotch bags. Musty, stale crotch bags.


Hope Crazyman is feeling better!

J said...

I hate people that freak out on me when I'm driving for no reason. At least when I freak out it's because someone almost hit me or are giving blowjobs at stoplights.

My Friday evening was hell, too. The day itself was good, but as soon as we got home all hell broke loose.

Hope today is better for you!!

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

OMG, what a shit storm.

Is the little man feeling better?

Captain Steve said...

Poor Crazyman! At least he didn't come out in an old peuce colored Gap sweater dress.

Betsey Booms said...

Kell - Yes, crotch bags. How I agree with that!

J - I don't think the old lady was giving a bj. And if she was, she must have felt rushed which made her angry.

DPH - Shit storm is putting it mildly. And he's fine!

Capt. Steve - Yeah, but really? A peuce colored Gap dress would have at least made the shop lifting thing easier to bear. I could have boldly claimed he came in wearing that damn dress.

Anonymous said...

That's funny in a shitty way. Sorry you had a shitty day. If it makes you feel any better, my kid has been making me feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Lily's Mommy said...

ha! I saw an old lady flip someone the bird today too! She did it because the person in front of her stopped short. The thing that first drew my attention to her was the fact that she was veering all over the road trying to stop.

Note to self: October 20th, bitchy old lady day.

They don't really seem to stick to that day though....

Hope Crazyman feels better. My husband is sick. Want to make a bet on who's going to be the bigger baby when sick? (him or the kid)

Immoral Matriarch said...

OMG. I laughed but that is so not funny. I hope baby feels better soon!

Jacquie said...

I got accused of shoplifting at our local grocery store. You know as my DH, 3 kids and I did just finished purchasing $150 worth of stuff. Was so not cool!

Anonymous said...

Fuck them!!

They can take their stale ass, free shit for sale clothes and other 75% off items and stuff 'em.

Because stuff 'em you weren't.

:) Who would steal thrift store junk?

Anonymous said...

Before having my name added onto our check, I tried using one of "Mike's" checks, even though we were married - I just hadn't received my new ones yet - at Habitat for humanity (thrift store) and she told me I couldn't use it. I showed her my license and when she refused again, I just belted out, "Do you seriously think if I was going to write a bad check or from a stolen check that I'd only blow a whopping $3 dollars????"

Ce said...

I love that you told her to take a bath. Sorry you had a tough day, hope the baby gets better soon.