I'm An Asshole And It ACTUALLY Is News To Me

A little over a week ago I swore I would never guest post again. And I meant that. Because it's done not much more than bite me in my fat ass. But, then I was asked and of course I did.

I was asked to do another blog review and here's the thing about those reviews. They tear me up inside. Evidently, I'm way too kind of a person to love tearing someone a new asshole.

This time around, I wanted to love the blog. And when I clicked over and saw that the reviewee was sarcastic and funny I thought I went to freaking heaven.

Not so much.

In the course of reading every single post on her blog I discovered that not only did she liken Democrats to child molesters, but she nary went a day without making fun of overweight people.

She was coarse and shallow. She's spoiled and rotten.

And fuck!

I liked her.

Do I truly like her? No, probably not. I just don't give a big enough shit about how I look, what I wear or what anyone around me is wearing. I don't think calling people fat is a fucking riot nor am I concerned when said fatty wears a bikini.

I don't think that making fun of your Asian manicurist's grasp on the English language is funny because, hell, can you speak her language? Like at all? No? Right, she speaks two languages and you are making fun of her.

You are an ass.

So, at first I was torn up because I laid into her and called her a spoiled twat.

Which I stand by.

Wholeheartedly.

But then? Then I kept reading and reading and reading. I read the whole fucking thing.

And I liked her.

And that tore me up inside even more.

I would have a beer with this broad.

Because, evidently, I'm an asshole.

I'm Going To Be A Toothless Old Hag...

This morning I went into the dentist's office and I was all, "hello world, lets dig and scrape at my teeth this morning. I cannot think of one single, solitary thing I'd rather do. Other than perhaps poke myself in the eye or better yet? Prostate exam!"

I know, but I would rather have someone dig for my imaginary prostate.

So when they asked if I had any concerns about my teeth, I offered up that I had a huge gaping hole in the middle of one of them. Oh and I had broken off more than half of the tooth as well. "Should I poke myself in the eye now? No? Wanna see my prostate?"

"What is that you ask? How long ago? Oh about two-weeks." Because December totally was two weeks ago. I remember it being two weeks.

And then the dentist went at my face with a shiv and I wasn't even excited. He scraped and hacked. He dug and poked my gums, who didn't even see that shit coming. Then asked me the questions he always asks about my wisdom teeth that I have not yet given up, because you read me, you know I need that shit. The wisdom, that is. Teeth are kind of optional.

And as it turns out, they really are optional. Early this morning my dentist made me weigh out the pros and cons of teeth having. It's not something that I ever really pondered before that very moment. Honestly, there really isn't enough caffeine to make that feel easy or even normal. I had the option of dropping a ton on a crown that MIGHT last 5 years or having it removed. I could pay for a filling in a wisdom tooth that is useless or I could have it removed.

In the end, my dentist was very sad to hear that I would have the uncrowned tooth yanked. He said they like to save teeth. However? I was totally not fooled by his pouting face. Because have you seen the difference in cost between a filling and crown and just having a tooth pulled? No? It's the difference between a robot that pours you beer, cleans your toilets, makes cheeseburgers, BACON CHEESEBURGERS and looks like Teen Wolf and the Omnibot 2000. I mean the Omnibot was righteous in it's time, but a complete let down.

It was apparent when his dollar sign shaped eyeballs went crashing to the floor that I had just omnibotted his cha-ching dreams. Oh but you should have seen the glow return to his eyeless face as he spout out the joys of bridgework and better yet! Dental Implants! Yeah, we're having fun now, kids.

I spent the entirety of my ride to work smiling into my rear-view mirror. And, unless I smile like a freak (shut up) there is nothing to worry about. I won't be flashing my hole at people.

Not even if you ask.

Weirdo.


PS - My husband is super stoked at the idea of having a toothless wife. He said we can drive through trailer parks without weird looks now. And when we want to go to pawn shops or swap meets, people will stop asking us if we're lost. Also? The DMV and Wal-Hell will now accept me as one of them.