Monday, August 3, 2009

Ouch, Stop! That's My Kidney!

I know this really big crazy dude. His name is, get this... Life. Horrible name, right? His mother obviously HATES him. She took one look at his big headed, ugly mug and was all, "well isn't that just life?"

Life kinds of stomps around and has tattoos. He wears big heavy combat boots and says things like "I'm loco, esse." Which is weird, I think he listened to too much Cypress Hill and House of Pain in the 90's.

Life is kind of cool, because you know, you can hang with Life at parties and drink a 40. Life picks on you and gives you noogies that jack your hair all up, but the second someone else picks on you, Life does one of two things:

A) He either comes back and punches that bitch in the lady box

or

B) He turns around and punches you in your lady box and tells you to suck it up and quit being such a fucking titty baby

Life? Well, he's kind of a dick. And if you don't have a lady box then watch your nuts. He's a crazy swinger.

Currently he and his friend, Coincidence, are taking turns kicking me in just one of my kidneys. The other they are saving for when they are drunk and angry. They think of me as kind of a little biological punching back.

Life and Coincidence totally, and I mean completely, underestimate me. Because guess what I just did?

I waited until they passed out and then? I tied them up in their bedsheets and beat the crap out of them with a baseball bat and then I yelled, "suck it!" I also airpunched, but that is neither here nor there.

Life and Coincidence may never respect me, but that is fine. Because I'm gonna kick their bitch asses.

Me and this big set of balls I just grew are gonna go and swing them around and pretend like we own the joint now.

Mostly because somebody just lit a fire under them. My balls that is.

This was weird.

8 comments:

Gypsy said...

Suck it is the new eat me, isn't it?

J said...

I think it is, Gyps.
While you are at it, kick Life for me, and give his little sister Fairness a big fat titty twister.

Mongoliangirl said...

Oy! This makes me think of some tard I used to know who would always say, "Coincidence is just God's way of remaining anonymous."
Ummmm...like I said. He was a tard.
Also? I like justice. Mostly 'cause she's blind and can't see it when I'm being all uber righteous and trying to do her job.

Miss Yvonne said...

I almost finished reading this whole post before I realized Life isn't a real person. Quite confusing me, esse!

Tell Life that I said he should go punch the ladybox of someone his own size. Big bully.

Also, you go on with your bad air-punching self!

Annabelle said...

Well who's the titty baby now? That's right Life, its you!

And BTW? Love, love, love the new balls. They're so big and swingy.

Sarah said...

"Lady box" Heh heh.

adrienne said...

i love you

Organic Meatbag said...

I am frightened of your balls...