Monday, July 20, 2009

This Place Has Just Become...

Horseshit. One word. Horseshit.

Seriously? Why are you here? Have I given you anything worth a damn? No I haven't. I haven't given anyone anything that is worth a damn. I used BoomTube as an excuse and did you see that freaking train wreck?

In my defense, I wasn't ready. Jason and I had just argued and then he's all, "ready, set, go! Be funny!" and I was all, "Wait, what? No." But then it was too late and the light was in my face and I had to try to be funny.

And you know what? When I'm in a bad mood I am not funny. Not one thing is funny about me except maybe the stupid look on my face. No funny here, kids. No anything here. I even have two designs that I HAVE to get out this week because next week? No one is getting a single, solitary, gawddamn thing from me. It's not like their getting much as it is.

A really big part of me wants to just blow everything off until after vacation. I've already check out. I'm gone. Splitsville. I'm so fucking gone I just said splitsville. What the fuck?

No, really, what the fuck? Can you tell me? Because I've got nothing here. And, for some reason splitsville reminds me, this weekend Jason watched a biography on Marlon Brando and when he was done he looked at me and said, "Marlon Brando was really a dick." And, I was all, "Not a newsflash, the man was a dick and screwed like... I dunno, something that screws a lot. How many kids did he have?" and then Jason was all, "Like ten or maybe even more, no one really knows." And that made it seem really mysterious to me.

I have no point of telling you this except that I would be really, really pissed and disappointed if after someone got done watching a biography on me, if they weren't asleep, that they might then look at their spouse and be all, "Dude, she was a total dick!"

But then this takes me one more place. Something Jason and I didn't get to on BoomTube was the Super Bitch. There is a car that is always parked on the street down about a block or two from our house. And across the back window, in giant and I mean really big fucking letters, red ones even, it reads "Super Bitch".

Now, seriously? That's what you're going with. Super bitch? You're sticking with that? That's your label, your message? You could put anything in the world in that space and the stroke of genius that you had was super bitch. I have been thinking about this shit for like two weeks now, right? So while I was in the middle of thinking about it and trying not to nod off on my drive to work, I saw a bumper sticker that read, "From zero to bitch in 1.5 seconds". What are you saying there? You are both a zero and a bitch because that is some seriously fucked up advertising and you might want to consider firing your PR agent. Or seeing someone about your self-esteem issue.

All I'm saying is maybe I should just get it out of the way and put "disappointing dick" on the back of my car.

I would just feel bad when Jason had to drive it.

Which now? I'm reminded of the time my brother spray painted "FAT ASS" on the side of his car and I had to drive it. And I was all, "Yeah, funny and ironic when your tall, skinny ass gets out of the car. When I get out of that car it's just mean."

12 comments:

Gypsy said...

This place isn't horseshit. I mean, since when is horseshit pink? Don't answer that. I don't want to know.

I vote for checking out entirely until after your vacation. Except wait, I don't include email or twitter in that. You have to maintain some contact with me or I'll get worried.

ajillofalltrades said...

I'm with you. I feel like an asshole for totally abandoning my twitter and blog buddies then saying I am tired of it all.

I think we just need a break.

You're not a dick. This isn't horseshit.

And I still think you're awesome, not matter how much or how little you blog funny blogs.

the slackmistress said...

Blog reading is down, blog writing is down, commenting is down...I'm not totally sure if people are just busy or BUSY SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE THEY HAVEN'T INVITED ME.

(The latter is more likely.)

Someone once told me that I should get a vanity plate for my car. I thought about it, and then thought MY ENTIRE CAR IS A VANITY PLATE.

Also, I AM ALL ABOUT CAPS TODAY.

And I feel your pain about "GO BE FUNNY" (see? caps?) I think that it doesn't affect me as much when I fall flat (a lot) 'cause the last ten years of my career have been "go be funny!' "come up with a story quick!" that I'm used to crashing and burning on a regular basis. :)

xoxo

IB said...

Wait. what?

J said...

I vote one EVERYONE checking out. Let's all take a Summer Blog Break. Who's with me???

for a different kind of girl said...

Did Super Bitch have stuffed animals in the back window of her vehicle? Because I hate that.

That's all I got. Sorry. I don't even have vacation to look forward to for this.

Miss Yvonne said...

My blog is a piece of shit right now too. I can't work two jobs, clean house and do laundry while making sure my kid doesn't light something on fire or crash his car and STILL get some decent blogging done. It's just not possible.

I'm pretty sure my bumper sticker would be "Yes, I'm really this big of an asshole."

Petite G. said...

Sorry you're having a rough go. Just think, it could be way worse. You could be entertaining a Kirby vacuum sales guy in your house for 3 hours showing you all the dead skin cells in your mattress.

Sometimes just being you is funny enough. When you start writing for us, it becomes a chore. Write for yourself and you'll be surprised how funny your life really is. You're a doll and I love your kind of funny.

Mongoliangirl said...

Don't worry, I don't watch BoomTube because I'm a technotard.
Also...I say go ahead and start your vacation. Seriously. Why not?

Rassles said...

I'm with you. Right now it's a chore. And I just don't care about anyone.

That probably has nothing to do with blogging. Whatever.

Annabelle said...

This? Was funny.

Gwen said...

I know that I have a bitch inside of me but I don't like that part of myself. I certainly wouldn't advertise it on my car.

Your blog isn't horseshit. No way. I missed Boom Tube last week...are you up tonight? I should be around, doing nothing, as usual!