Thursday, July 16, 2009

Baby Stepping Through The Muck

I sort of feel like I don't own this space anymore and it pisses me off. It used to be that I would rush to the computer every day to sit down and write. My blog was my very favorite thing and I couldn't wait to get to it every day.

Now? It's a struggle. Worse? I'm writing about blogging and that is like one of the Seven Deadly Sins of blogging. You don't write about blogging. You blog about everything else going on in your life. And maybe that's what I should do, but you know what? I just don't want to. It feels forced. I feel like a stranger in my own world right now.

Furthermore, I should recognize what this is and I haven't even bothered to do so yet. I have Summer depression. I always have, since I was a kid. I feel listless and useless. The gears in my head that normally crank out the words are just chugging along, working harder to perform basic daily functions.

Getting up out of bed? Well that takes more effort than it did just two months ago. Every year I go through this and every single year it sneaks up on me. I work harder to smile, I work harder to not grump about and tell everyone in my eyeline to eat shit and die. I wouldn't mean it if I said it, but still the temptation is there and it would be a delicious moment when I did say it. Well, until the guilt set in. I'm not big on hurting feelings.

The good news is that I'm going on vacation soon and hopefully it'll knock this shit right out of me. This never lasts too long, it's more of a nuisance than anything. I just have to work a little bit harder to push my spirit out and project something other than blech. I fake it 'til I make it.

Little reminders:

Am I smiling?
Am I responding in a pleasant manner?
Wait, did I just tell that person to suck it?

Fuck.

I made it through what would have been my son's fourth birthday. Now I just have to push through until the anniversary of his death. It falls 3 days after my birthday every single year.

It's time to buck up.

It's not going to change.

23 comments:

Jenny said...

My heart goes out to you. I get the same way, only for some reason in April (which has zero meaning in my life, it just happens in April). Fall will be here before you know it! And my heart goes out to you about your little one. No one should have to go through that. xo

Gypsy said...

I'm sorry you're feeling listless and blue. I hope the vacation gets you raring to go again.

This happens to Lancelot every September. It's a struggle.

Annabell said...

I'm so sorry. I know this always takes a lot out of you.

While I can't tell you I know exactly how you feel, I can tell you that your friends are here to support you no matter what every day.

J said...

That sucks. If it makes you feel any better, I was just saying last night how witty you are. And that wit makes me jealous bc I suck and am not witty or funny at all compared to the great BB.
I know you weren't looking for compliments, but I just had to say that.

What do you want for your birthday this year??

Shawna said...

I hope you enjoy your vacation and that it can lift a bit of the fog you're feeling.

Blues said...

Every time the season changes I get blue, because it makes me think of AZ.

You know, even if you break one of the Holy Ten Commandments and blog about blogging, you still do it wonderfully. Besides, it would be a lie to say we don't think about these kinds of things a lot. I suppose if we didn't we wouldn't be doing this.

You know, every single time I publish a post, I think, that's it, that's all I've got in me, there's no more stories to tell. And I know there are a lot of stories inside me but I feel guilty sometimes pulling them out of my sad region as using them as blog fodder. But in the end, for me blogging is 50% writing and 50% psychoanalyzing my own shit and hoping someone out there gets it.

This season will pass soon.

for a different kind of girl said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Truly. Would a hug help? I know sometimes people offer those, and it makes you feel nice that they would, but on the inside all you can see is you punching them (that can't just be me, right?), but if it would help, I'd even take the punch.

I mean as long as it is a girl kind of punch, though.

Seriously, I am sorry you're feeling this way.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Finally, a diagnosis!!! I have summer depression too! That's what I'm gonna call it anyway.

Pam said...

I'm sorry! I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for you and I won't insult you by pretending to understand. I think it is okay that you feel like telling people to f- off right now- feel free to tell me off if it would help any!

Miss Yvonne said...

Hang in there!!!

If it would make you feel better, I'll totally karate chop someone in the throat and then yell "Teen Wolf forever!" for you.

Evil Twin Sister said...

Betsey, I would hold you and rock you back and forth like only a mother can do, and let you cry and cry until the final day...

I
am
So
Sorry.

And yet, I know those four little words don't mean shit.

But my heart is aching for you.

I just read every post with Jadon in the label, and I am sitting here with tears on my face for you, for him, for your husband, and your two precious children who are still here...
I ache for you all.

formerly fun said...

I know I have summer doldrums. I had a dr.s appt today and I came up with a list of meds I could ask for just to shake things up a bit.

cozzie laura said...

I'm sorry you have summer doldrums, but even with a bad case of them, I still tune into your blog as soon as I see it posted. You're a fantastic, personable writer!

The Warden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Redneck Mommy said...

Dead kid birthday's are the worst.

Speaking from experience.

I don't have summer depression. I get the autumn blues.

And here's something I haven't made public as of yet, but will share with you: My dead kid's death date is on the birthday of my new kid.

How's that gonna be for fun?

Sarah said...

You could always move to Australia - it's winter here! Joking aside, sorry about you having the blues. It sucks. Don't think you have to buck up, you're not just here to entertain us. We wouldn't love you if you weren't real.

ToriDuck said...

I started reading you about 6 months ago and what you blog is what I long for...you give some of us something to look forward to. True feelings stuff that we are too cowardly to say. no one can understand the punch in the stomach or the unexpected tears for your loss, but we do long for your talent that not many people have.

Sara said...

I've been feeling the same way. I just can't get the motivation together.

Any chance you are a Sagittarius? I'm not really into astrology, but maybe, just maybe, our stars or moons or something are off balance.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I hope the vacation keeps you busy and brings joy back in your life in spurts and jumps until it takes over again. I don't know you well, but I'd give you a big hug if I saw you.

Mongoliangirl said...

Much love to you Miss Betsey.

J said...

Hey bitch, I asked what you fucking want. COME ON!!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Sending you hugs.

Gwen said...

Booms - you can blog about whatever you damn well please. If that means blogging about blogging then so be it. You can make it interesting because you're...well, you.

I also have been getting summer depression. It has a little to do with the fact that I'm not skinny any more and it's harder to deny that when I'm wearing shorts and tank tops. But it mostly has to do with the fact that I lost my sister in August. We went to the shore for a week and when we got home she died a week later. I never made the connection between my recent "summer sadness" and her death. But that could be it. This is only my second summer without her so it's still fresh. Cruel summer, indeed.

My heart goes out to you in having to get through what would have been Jadon's* 4th birthday. Liv will be 4 this September and I can't imagine not being able to celebrate that milestone with her, to have her here with me. It's not fair that you don't have your son with you.

Anyway, love you Booms!

*if I spelled his name wrong I'm sorry!