Monday, April 27, 2009

I'm Pretty Sure The Only Reason I Still Have A Job Is Because I Change Light Bulbs

I have this tendency to send emails out to my office where I say pretty much everything in the subject line and then finish in the body of the email. And then when I'm going back through my emails I start to think I'm nuts because I'm just looking at the body of the email and not the subject line.

I read things like (And I swear, I really sent all of these out company wide):

"Head over!"

"There is a huge, bubbling difference between dishwasher soap and dish soap."

"He is running late this morning and will be in shortly. Shortly and probably angry.
He’s like that."

"This guy looks like a total tool. I’m easily amused"

"Thanks, all my fresh-breathed homies"

"Dig in and smear away."

"Really, corn is delicious and kind of nutritious, but splendid?"

"For those of you who have not done this yet? I know who you are, I will hunt you down. Or throw something at you. I swear I will, don’t make me."

I'm not really sure why I still have a job. Mostly, I think it's because I say shit like this. However, if my emails are ever part of the review process I'm totally fucked.


rachie! said...

this makes me wish for an email from you. it's awesome.

Gwen said...

My favorite has to be the "corn" one. I do think corn can be splendid.

Are you feeling better, Ms. Booms?

for a different kind of girl said...

Will now begin responding to everyon who speaks to me with the phrase "Dig in and smear away." It really does seem the perfect all occasion sentiment!

Miss Yvonne said...

You send the emails I wish I had the balls to send.

Rassles said...

Yeah, I send out stuff like this: (actual email from yesterday)

Ms. Drayton has graciously inquired about donating the following items to one of the 93 schools we diligently serve. If any of you have any information as to how this situation can be handled, I would appreciate either being party to your opinion or allowed to completely relinquish my involvement with the contribution, depending on the presented ideas, because I really don't feel like doing it.

Hopefully the transaction can be performed as smoothly as a song sung by Michael McDonald, the king of smooth grooves.

Rassles said...

by the way, what IS the huge, bubbling difference between dishwasher soap and dish soap?

Betsey Booms said...

The huge bubbling difference is if you put regular old dish soap in the dishwasher you end up with bubbles all over the kitchen.

Like a bad sitcom, that may or may not have Charlie Sheen or one of the cast of Friends in it.

IB said...

I was thinking Brady Bunch, but that's cause I'm a lot older (but that don't give the right to sass me!)

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Yeah, I think its because you send those emails that you still have a job.

I send shit like this: did you eat tard flakes for breakfast? Use your brain and I won't have to bother you.

My co workers love me.

Also, another one? Sent to my assistant today: go take a video of the Christ Loving Jew eating that fried chicken for breakfast. I'll give you $1.75 and all bragging rights. Let's face it, you're asian and have a small penis. You could use all the bragging rights you get.

Mongoliangirl said...

I think you still have a job because your boss is afraid to fire someone who will throw shit, accurately discuss his/her mood, and then fuck with his dishwasher.
Personally, people who send emails like this can stay forever.
It's the polite ones I get sick of and want to fire. Like that little SOB that got all put out when I called him a sack of shit.

Gypsy said...

Damn. I get to write emails like:

"Do you have the electronic file for this project? The text you gave me does not exactly match the text from the brochure online. I realize there was only one content change (“mental handicaps” to “intellectual disabilities”), but I thought while I had it I’d go ahead and update it for CIC style."

Aaaaand I've fallen asleep.

Anonymous said...

Apparently somebody finds you entertaining because not many employers WOULD put up with someone who is as cynical and straight-forward as you.

I'd give you a raise!