Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Measure of a Friend

So a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, is getting married in Las Vegas this summer. And given the kind of crowd that she runs with, I then wondered, to myself and on her wedding blog, how many of her guests would leave without one/all of the following:

1) VD
2) A drinking problem
3) A gambling problem
4) A dead hooker in their suitcase

And it was at that moment that I realized the perfect gift. I would indeed, as a gift to her, take that dead whore 200 miles out in the desert and bury it as her wedding gift. Because I am that kind of friend.

You know what else I would do? I would take something totally rockin' like Teen Wolf (and Teen Wolf Too) and devote an entire year of my life to the cause if, you for some reason, recently discovered that the universe was calling to you and sending you obvious signs that this was indeed the Year of Teen Wolf.

I would also drive a made mafia boss around in the trunk of my car and when me, Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci hear thumping in the trunk, I'll pull over so that they can stab him and shoot him repeatedly before we dig yet another hole for the body adding extra inches for his hair-do.

Additionally, I'm such a kick ass friend I would even go looking for a sunken pirate ship that was manned by a pirate named One-eyed Willy, while being chased by Joe Pantoliano because that guy is always a schumck but somehow we love him anyway. And I would even help you glue the penis on your mom's statue of David on upside down just so Josh Brolin and his sweatband could make fun of us and tell us we'd piss in our eye.

If for some reason you accidentally snorted heroin instead of coke, then I would also drive you over to Eric Stoltz's house, even when he called me an asshole and told me not to call there. I'd give you the adrenaline shot and even listen to your dumb jokes.

Also? I'd fight vampire strippers in a Mexican strip club with you. I'm down.

There are numerous movie plots I'd live out for you. Some Scorsese, some Spielberg, Tarantino and even a little Hughes that I didn't even mention.

So tell me... what is the measure of a good friend to you?


Anonymous said...

The measure of a good friend is someone who can write about all kinds of 80s movies, as well as some 90s, in reation to a friends wedding.....and so smoothly you didn't even realize you went from a modern day wedding to reliving some old kick-ass movies!!

You're radical, woman! ;)

Will you be my friend?
Check yes.
or Check no.

Sheri said...


Well, I would dive to the bottom of a pool to save you from killing yourself because I convinced you to leave your sick bed, take your father's Porche into the city to do some kick ass stuff like eat in a fancy restuarant and watch me lip'sync in a parade to Wayne Newton. Thus unknowingly putting tons of miles onto said Porche due to the a'holes in the parking garage joyriding in it that will certainly not go unnoticed by said father, and then sending it through a glass window and onto trees below as we were attempting to role back the mileage.

I would, I would do all of that.

Miss Merry Sunshine said...

I would share my big ass door with you in the freezing sea.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I would give you VD at my wedding if that was one of the four that you were missing.

You also failed to mention the other awesome things you'll be doing for me at my wedding.

You are a good friend and I'm blessed to have you. True story.

gwen jackson said...

I would run down a hallway screaming to distract a school administrator from discovering that you snuck out of the library during detention. I would insult you so much that by the end of our encounter you would fall in love with me. You would demonstrate this love by giving me a diamond earring and making out with me on your daddy's car.

Maggie, Dammit said...

You are a far better friend than I am. I'm going to go reevaluate myself now, thanks.

(Also: thank you for reminding me about Teen Wolf. I'd forgotten all about that hairy, misguided, loving lout.)

Anonymous said...

help! zombies are taking over austin!!!

love your blog :)

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

a measure of a good friend to me is someone who buys me beer...I'm not too picky, I just love beer! lol

Rassles said...

I would steal a van for cross-country surfing and pound out phony license plates so it could never be traced.

I would master Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu so I could win the UFC championship, and give it to you for your birthday.

Okay, that I might not do, but if I could turn into a wolf then I totally would.

Oh. My. God.

I just discovered the plot for Teen Wolf: Three-peat.

Miss Yvonne said...

I would totally take you to your first Senior party and teach you how to drive a stick shift and then when you dump me I would stand outside your window with my boom box and then take you back after your dad gets thrown in jail for stealing from old ladies in the nursing home and also I would fly to another country with you while you wear an ugly hat with a flower on it.

Or if you prefer, I would hang out with an old asian guy and learn how to catch flies with chop sticks and wax on wax off and go to the halloween dance dressed as a shower (best. costume. ever.) and then do the flying crane move with a broken leg on your douche of an ex-boyfriend to win the competition while you wear a purple mini-skirt with a blue fuzzy sweater and even fuzzier permed hair.

Cause that's the kind of friend I am.

Betsey Booms said...

This has to be my most favorite post ever.

I'm getting the best answers from you guys.

Lisa..... said...

I would go on a random, suck-ass 5 hour car ride to now where and back for a friend. I only know two girls who would do that shit for me. BFF and DPH.

Lisa..... said...

And I would tell my mom that I am spending the night at your house and you could tell your mom you were staying at mine, Then I would walk with you along train tracks, almost getting killed by a train, and get leeches all over me when we cross some murky water, just to go see a dead body with you.

formerly fun said...

I've always loved the phrase,

A good friend helps you move, a great friend helps you move the body.

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.