Thursday, January 15, 2009

Reviewing My Performance and Other Things That Will Get Me Fired

Every year at this time I put together our annual employee performance review forms for the company.

Go ahead and let that sink in for a minute.

That's right. The one voted most likely to tell someone to "suck it, hard" in the office has a hand in reviewing other people's performance. I'm the angry little one that they pulled aside one day and essentially they told me that my slightly piss poor attitude let others know that I think they are all giant tools. I really thought my attitude at the time should have been a small indication that they were all a little sensitive and should change their soggy, droopy Pampers.

I call it ultimate, divine justice, they call it cause for Valium and increased monetary compensation. Whatever. Bunch of babies.

So this year's form looks just like they have pretty much looked every year. You know, what have you accomplished, how can we help you perform better, what are your goals, blah blah blah? The awesome part is that every year I get to write my own question. And this question can be just about anything my crazy little heart desires, like tell us about your best concert experience or tell us something awesome that you learned about in the last year. Totally not work related just something to help them understand their employees better.

Because they care. Ahem.

My ideas for this year's question were:

Give us one good reason why you should keep your job.

Why bother?

On average, how many mornings do you wake up and consider hanging yourself?

Do you have a drug and/or alcohol problem and if not, why? We do.

Do you dress in clothing of the opposite sex and drive around town? We know you do, the jig is up. It's okay, we'll let you keep your job, really.

You see where I'm going with this. Given that this was, you know, an actual performance review and the form itself could and probably should be used as part of my own review I figured I might not want to stray too far in the direction of accusations of drag queendom and hey? Did A&E contact you about being on Intervention yet, because if not, they totally will. We promise.

In the end I went with this:

If (Big Boss' Name) walked into your office tomorrow and said, “You know, you are the Master of All Things Rock and I’m going to buy you a new car." What kind of car would you ask for and why?

Come on, that is a totally loaded question. If you don't say that you'd ask for a Ferrari, sell it, feed a third world country, end prostitution and war, all while saving 8.5 lb baby Jesus from the hungry, flea-ridden dingos then you totally deserve to lose your job.

So I guess you know what my answer will be. But I'm going to throw in a bottle of vodka for myself. I think that's okay, I just saved The Messiah from a feral dog and all.



melanie said...

Hi, Betsey! I wanted to say that because I just spent the last 2 days reading your entire blog. Yup. Believe it already! :) You make me laugh out loud, cry, redden with anger, etc. Thank you! :)

-Melanie in Indiana

Anonymous said...

I gave Melanie your blog address yesterday; remember me? The one that said you were 'rad'? Yeah, I'm passing your 'radness' (yeah, I make words up...because I'm just that rad too!) to all my friends. You have a massive following here in Indiana ;-)

Oh, and if I had to answer your question: a volkswagon Thing or a karman gia...

Mrs. Booms said...

Well thank you! This explains why just last night I was telling my husband that all of a sudden I had all these hits from Indiana!

Although it doesn't explain my sudden rise in popularity in Illinois. Perhaps the I states are just catching on.

And I hope that wasn't a pass or fail question there Kimberly but I'm going to with Karmen Ghia... Mostly because I ALWAYS wanted one and the fact that Mike Myers drove one in "So I Married An Ax Murderer" sealed the deal for me.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, I'm pretty sure you're just a better version of me! I LOVE 'So I married...' I worked at a video store in college; we watched that movie every Friday night at the store. We would get so pissed if someone wanted to rent it but I digress!

Oh, and I'll let Iowa know they need to get to logging on. Stupid Iowa.

Mrs. Booms said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bimbo Baggins said...

Tits, this was by far your funniest post. Well, for me at least.

Also, nice work on the I states. And I won't even point out the irony of your last comment's, last sentence. You can thank me for that later.

Mrs. Booms said...

I watched "So I Married" more times than any other movie, including Goodfellas. That's saying something. I still quote lines constantly.

And as my husband's ex-girlfriend hailed from the state, I feel pretty comfortable saying nothing smart ever came out of Iowa.

Oh and the good news is that I can back and fix things DPH.

Now step away from my mouse you dirty skank.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I broke my tailbone in Iowa (funny story...not ha-ha funny but wickedly pathetic funny), so that state can pretty much eat a dick, as far as I'm concerned.

Mrs. Booms said...

Well I've been such in Indiana twice. So I kind of feel the same way about that state but I wasn't going to say anything.

Oh hell, I like you, but Indiana smells like cow shit.

Anonymous said...

LMAO! Luckily, I live in a college town, so I have to step outside of my county to get to the slack-jawed yokels.

melanie said...

First, I want to answer the question too - Jeep Wrangler 4-door Rubicon or... Cadillac XLR. Black.

Second, not that I am the IN State Tourism board or anything, but I think you (and most others who are not the dreaded R-word) would love Bloomington (where Kimberly and I reside). It is the Boulder, CO or San Francisco, CA of Indiana. Liberal hippie-ville right in the middle of banjo-scary redneck country. ;)

Mrs. Booms said...

Are you calling me a dirty hippie?

And somehow, I bet Boulder would take offense to Indiana claiming anything Boulder like. LOL

I get what you mean. Next time I'm stuck in Indiana without any money I hope it's there and not Terre Haute or Indianapolis.

Anonymous said...

*lower lip quivers* But I'M from Indy! We have a Saks and a MAC store...not a counter in a Macy's but a STORE!

And I'm sorry you were ever in Terre Haute...I'm going to guess you were driving across 70 through IN. You poor dear!

Unknown said...

You should have made the question "What are you going to do for Ms. Booms this year?"

Having been in both Boulder and Bloomington, I'll take Bloomington in the fall and Boulder in the spring - how's that.

Bimbo Baggins said...

Oh and the good news is that I can back and fix things DPH.

Really? Can you back and fix things?

LOL, I'm too fucking funny for my own good!

Anonymous said...

Good ole' Tennessee here....

LMAO...I think this is probably the funniest post you've ever written.

Our reviews have those questions at the end that aren't necessarily work related...What would you like to accomplish this year? blah blah blah Like they really give a shit.

You might as well make it funny for someone.

Our staff turnover this year was 58%!!!! I've been here 6 years+ and I'm currently writing "Ms. Chastain's Survival Guide to PV" that is quite hilarious and oh so true! Some people won't find it so funny, though, I know. ;)