Reviewing My Performance and Other Things That Will Get Me Fired

Every year at this time I put together our annual employee performance review forms for the company.

Go ahead and let that sink in for a minute.

That's right. The one voted most likely to tell someone to "suck it, hard" in the office has a hand in reviewing other people's performance. I'm the angry little one that they pulled aside one day and essentially they told me that my slightly piss poor attitude let others know that I think they are all giant tools. I really thought my attitude at the time should have been a small indication that they were all a little sensitive and should change their soggy, droopy Pampers.

I call it ultimate, divine justice, they call it cause for Valium and increased monetary compensation. Whatever. Bunch of babies.

So this year's form looks just like they have pretty much looked every year. You know, what have you accomplished, how can we help you perform better, what are your goals, blah blah blah? The awesome part is that every year I get to write my own question. And this question can be just about anything my crazy little heart desires, like tell us about your best concert experience or tell us something awesome that you learned about in the last year. Totally not work related just something to help them understand their employees better.

Because they care. Ahem.

My ideas for this year's question were:

Give us one good reason why you should keep your job.

Why bother?

On average, how many mornings do you wake up and consider hanging yourself?

Do you have a drug and/or alcohol problem and if not, why? We do.

Do you dress in clothing of the opposite sex and drive around town? We know you do, the jig is up. It's okay, we'll let you keep your job, really.

You see where I'm going with this. Given that this was, you know, an actual performance review and the form itself could and probably should be used as part of my own review I figured I might not want to stray too far in the direction of accusations of drag queendom and hey? Did A&E contact you about being on Intervention yet, because if not, they totally will. We promise.

In the end I went with this:

If (Big Boss' Name) walked into your office tomorrow and said, “You know, you are the Master of All Things Rock and I’m going to buy you a new car." What kind of car would you ask for and why?

Come on, that is a totally loaded question. If you don't say that you'd ask for a Ferrari, sell it, feed a third world country, end prostitution and war, all while saving 8.5 lb baby Jesus from the hungry, flea-ridden dingos then you totally deserve to lose your job.

So I guess you know what my answer will be. But I'm going to throw in a bottle of vodka for myself. I think that's okay, I just saved The Messiah from a feral dog and all.

Word.