Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Due to the underwhelming response...

I'm beginning to check my armpits for BO and blow my breath into my hand, only to smell it and check for the kitten breath I apparently have.

Lack of comments leads me to believe that I suck and I'm all alone with my neurosis. And that's okay, I'll live. I'll develop a rash and a tick from the anxiety, but I'll live.

But for those of you that ARE sitting in your bathtubs with your favorite butcher knives poised over the tender flesh of your wrists, I just wanted to let you know that I have a hair appointment for this Friday. Which I'm seriously considering canceling now because my husband just sent me an email confirming his purchase of this:

He also told me I'm lame and that he would really enjoy it if I got out of what he lovingly called "this month's funk" before he neutered himself just to make sure he never actually came near my crazy ass again.

He also mentioned that I should go tell everyone in blogland how mean he is since he just bought me a coat. I of course reminded him that I never called him mean, I said that he thought I was retarded.

And I stand by that.

Because clearly I am.

Hmmmm, I wonder what he's making for dinner? Whatever it is? I'm pretty sure it won't be hitting my tummy anytime soon unless I curb check the "drama" he says I radiate for two-weeks every month.

I just talked to him on the phone as I wrote this post. And he contends that I'm a flake and then, THEN he threatened to buy BLUE icicle lights for the house. I do clearly remember saying that he could do WHATEVER he wanted with the Christmas lights this year. So I had to stop, count to 10 and remember this fact and actually say, "Okay, get blue icicle lights." but in my head I was screaming that is the stupidest thing ever because icicles are not blue! Or red or rainbow colors, that's just stupid. But they aren't lights either so I have no real argument and then I heard him chuckling as he listened to the buzzing that came out of my head as I conceded to this evil plan of his that he was sure would make me absolutely vibrate at the audacity of even considering blue icicles.

After that I climbed down from the ledge and shooed the paramedics away from me. And because he thinks I painted a portrait of a mean husband that YOU all agreed with I should clarify. He never called me retarded, he called me annoying and said I didn't know what to do with myself.

And I think if you could bear the very idea of reading through this post again, you will clearly see that the man, he has a very valid point. I am annoying and have no idea what to do with myself.

But I just want to point out that it's very obvious that I consider myself a lucky woman that my husband makes me dinner AND spends copious amounts of time thinking about our Christmas lights. And while I'd have to swallow just a little vomit every night when I drove up to our house and saw freakish blue icicle lights, I would think how lucky I was that he cares - while swallowing that vomit.

Now, with that sweet mental picture I just painted for you, I have to go hand my husband and ice cold beverage that came to be because of a man named Augustus Busch.

It's the least I can do for a man that puts up with my monkey ass on a daily basis. He doesn't always do it with a smile, but he does it AND pads our retirement fund.

And on top of that? I love him and would like him to cuddle me sometime soon.


KaritaG said... guys are so sweet! I couldn't comment earlier because my own neurosis are preventing me from thinking about anything but my self-centered self right now and the concept of clicking out of reader and going to your actual blog to post something was just overwhelming at the time I read the original post.

Should I click or not? I have so much other shit to do, I should do comments later. OMG I am never going to get X, Y, and Z done at this rate...oooh look BFF just signed into g-chat, I'll talk with her so I have a nice relaxing little break from what's going on in my head and waste even more time so I can be even more stressed out later when I still don't have X, Y, and Z done!


You are not alone. :)

hope505 said...

You got that coat fer $50?? Score!

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Um, I fucking love that coat. Instead of sending me all of your old bras from when you had small boobies, just send me the coat, ok? DEAL?

And you're not retarded, you're just special. But I love ya anyway.

J said...

OMG well, number one I fucking love that coat. Number 2, you guys are too fucking sweet. I mean, yeah, men put up with our craziness, and we let them hang blue icicles on the house, but still. You two are perfect for each other.


PS. I dont think he is a jerk, or mean. I know how it is. I am shocked that he would think that we would actually dislike him over one little post. I mean, come on. We do have brains. (sometimes.)

Pam said...

My lack of comments has to do with my lame ass-ness, not you. That coat- awesome!!

Sheri said...

Awesome coat and awesome hubby!

Kat said...

My ex step-dad got the freedom to do whatever he wanted with the house one year and he bought blue and white lights, and everybody who came over said they didn't know I was Jewish. I wasn't Jewish.

I'm partial to white lights, myself. Kinda don't like the flashy green and red thing.

That Chick Over There said...

That coat made me literally swoon.

Lily's Mommy said...

Are you sure your new boobs are going to fit in the coat?

It is very beautiful, I'm just concerned about your ability to breathe. :)

Also, do NOT cancel your hair appointment! Just don't show up. I hear stylists like that because then you seem all mysterious.... not at all douchey.

Captain Steve said...

How adorable is that coat!

Anonymous said...

That coat is awesome. And I think everyone is getting a lack of comments.

Gwen said...

Hi, I just started reading your blog today and already see so much in common. I'll be around more often. :)