Due to the underwhelming response...

I'm beginning to check my armpits for BO and blow my breath into my hand, only to smell it and check for the kitten breath I apparently have.

Lack of comments leads me to believe that I suck and I'm all alone with my neurosis. And that's okay, I'll live. I'll develop a rash and a tick from the anxiety, but I'll live.

But for those of you that ARE sitting in your bathtubs with your favorite butcher knives poised over the tender flesh of your wrists, I just wanted to let you know that I have a hair appointment for this Friday. Which I'm seriously considering canceling now because my husband just sent me an email confirming his purchase of this:



He also told me I'm lame and that he would really enjoy it if I got out of what he lovingly called "this month's funk" before he neutered himself just to make sure he never actually came near my crazy ass again.

He also mentioned that I should go tell everyone in blogland how mean he is since he just bought me a coat. I of course reminded him that I never called him mean, I said that he thought I was retarded.

And I stand by that.

Because clearly I am.

Hmmmm, I wonder what he's making for dinner? Whatever it is? I'm pretty sure it won't be hitting my tummy anytime soon unless I curb check the "drama" he says I radiate for two-weeks every month.

I just talked to him on the phone as I wrote this post. And he contends that I'm a flake and then, THEN he threatened to buy BLUE icicle lights for the house. I do clearly remember saying that he could do WHATEVER he wanted with the Christmas lights this year. So I had to stop, count to 10 and remember this fact and actually say, "Okay, get blue icicle lights." but in my head I was screaming that is the stupidest thing ever because icicles are not blue! Or red or rainbow colors, that's just stupid. But they aren't lights either so I have no real argument and then I heard him chuckling as he listened to the buzzing that came out of my head as I conceded to this evil plan of his that he was sure would make me absolutely vibrate at the audacity of even considering blue icicles.

After that I climbed down from the ledge and shooed the paramedics away from me. And because he thinks I painted a portrait of a mean husband that YOU all agreed with I should clarify. He never called me retarded, he called me annoying and said I didn't know what to do with myself.

And I think if you could bear the very idea of reading through this post again, you will clearly see that the man, he has a very valid point. I am annoying and have no idea what to do with myself.

But I just want to point out that it's very obvious that I consider myself a lucky woman that my husband makes me dinner AND spends copious amounts of time thinking about our Christmas lights. And while I'd have to swallow just a little vomit every night when I drove up to our house and saw freakish blue icicle lights, I would think how lucky I was that he cares - while swallowing that vomit.

Now, with that sweet mental picture I just painted for you, I have to go hand my husband and ice cold beverage that came to be because of a man named Augustus Busch.

It's the least I can do for a man that puts up with my monkey ass on a daily basis. He doesn't always do it with a smile, but he does it AND pads our retirement fund.

And on top of that? I love him and would like him to cuddle me sometime soon.