Thursday, October 9, 2008

The World Is So Full Of Awesome

A really great thing happened last night. I drank 6 beers and then started my period. I also shoved a small order of tater tots and 3 bites of my husband's burger down my gullet in record time. Lightly dusted with salt and sporting onion breath, I then climbed into bed and snored blissfully for the night.

Armed with one tampon in my arsenal and a bloated belly this morning, I had to make a stop at the drug store before I hit the office supply store. A box of feminine hygiene products, bag of peanut butter M&M's and some Reece's Pieces accompanied me to the check out. I had no shame in plopping down my hormonal survival kit, which would have been better with bottles of vodka and Midol along with a taser, in front of the bored clerk. Bed head, bad skin, no make-up and a lip ring stared at me and then as slowly as possible rang me up. I realized as I stood in front of her, I was just another lamewad, ass face disturbing her moment of nothingness and angst. She mumbled my total in my general direction. I had no idea what she said and I wondered what her job interview must of looked like.

Lip ring: "So I like need a job."

Hiring Manager: "Great, we like need a clerk. Do you speak?"

LR: shrug

HM: "Do you like people?"

LR: half assed shrug - "NO"

HM: "Well you have the unsightly, slightly infected and reddened body piercing requirement that our Depends purchasing patrons will find welcoming and the personality of a dog turd. You're like totally hired."

LR: "mumble."

HM: "Start Monday. It's double coupon day. Smiles are free. "

And I got fired for rolling my eyes at an annoying bitch when I was 19. Where is the justice in the world?

I told her hair brushes were on aisle three and she might look into some Neosporin as I left.

Wishing I really had the balls to say that last part, I tore open the M&M's and cramming them into my face, I took my dehydrated self over to the closest office supply store that claimed on their front door that they are open at 8AM. At 8:04 I walked up to the door and immediately smacked into it like a pigeon. The bitch didn't open. So I stood there like a tool. Some pimply faced, ass nugget walked by, looked at me, grimaced and walked over to scan some tag with his super dork laser gun. I tapped on the glass, right next to the greasy nose impression I had just left, like a pushy bitch, and nothing. He didn't look at me, he didn't flinch. Writing 'fuck you' on the window with the remainder of my nose grease, I left.

Back into the car, still wishing I had the balls to do that last part, I shoved another handful of M&M's in, washed it down with a slug of Diet Coke and silently cussed at my cramps all the way down to the next store. At 8:10 I marched up to the doors. They swished open, I bitch stomped down the aisle. Some guy in an office store bitch golf shirt looked at me and looked away because, and I'm guessing here, I obviously didn't need help finding anything. I got my labels and mousepads and walked up the counter. This time the 105 year old geezer behind the counter sat there on the computer consumed in his geriatric porn and didn't even look up at me. I said "Can I check out here"? He grumbled, got up, asked me an incoherent question, took my card and then threw my sack at me.

I then jumped over the counter and punched him in the nutsack that time forgot and left the store.

Yeah, you know.

I have no point here, except that people suck. And, if you work in the retail industry, try being fucking grateful for your job and, I don't know, maybe take a shower, grab a breath mint and slap on a smile. In case you didn't hear, the whole world smiles with you when you do.

18 comments:

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Angry baby strikes again...

Doesn't it suck when you think of something good to say, well after the fact?

Betsey Booms said...

Yes it blows! I'm usually pretty quick, but not this morning, darn it.

ghost of keywork said...

Angry Baby hired all of these people. To piss you off. To break the hex, you must Angry Baby Message 5 people in the next 5 days.

Lara said...

These sound like times when you should comment to them, "So... I see you're PMSing too." Yes. Even to the old man.

Stephanie said...

I tell people like those you ran into "If you don't like your job, then quit!" I was a teen once, I had a sucky ass job, but I was always nice, prompt, and did my JOB!

KaritaG said...

I have a serious, serious problem with that shit...I waited tables. I worked in retail. I had shitty days and I was still nice or at least polite. Yes, it blew. Get over yourself, you know? Sheesh. Your job is NOT THAT HARD.

J said...

Join the period club. I hate it!! Right now chocolate is my best friend too. I am actually jealous of all the chocolate you have right now!

rubyredruca said...

That sounds like my kind of day!

Kellie said...

This? This right here? So why I love you and why we it's a shame we don't live near each other.

Tampons. M&M's. Tasers. Junk punching. Gah!! The fun we'd have!!

hereinfranklin said...

Makes me glad I had all that female shit yanked out a few years ago. Tampons are no longer on my shopping list--I laugh when I go by that aisle at Publix.

Captain Steve said...

That, right there, is why I quit retail. My hatred of customers.

I am Trish Marie said...

The last time I bitched about retail workers acting like it was my fault they hated their jobs, I ended up with hate mail! So I am kind of scared to agree with you. But seriously? What the hell? It isn't our fault they hate their jobs. I mean, we all paid our dues, and I certainly didn't act like that when I worked a shitty job. Or maybe I did. I am kind of bitchy. But still, it pisses me off now.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I love you.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I started my fucking period today...thanks a lot for spreading your love to me.

Amy W said...

Amen...

ghost of keywork said...

Damnit. I was going to buy some white sheets for next weekend. Dph, we could have made Japanese flags together.

Kat said...

That sounds like a seriously shitty morning. I'm with you on retail clerks. Sometimes I think they choose people with the lowest possible IQ they can find. JesusHonastick.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

What the hell happened to the zombie post?