Wednesday, October 22, 2008

There Is A Special Place In Heaven for Daycare Providers

In the last year the spawn of all that is dark and unholy, also known as Crazyman Jones, has been through not two or three child care providers but six. I count them and I weep. I weep for him, I weep for myself but mostly I just wonder if I should weep for them.

Okay, that's not true. I don't give two shits about them, I weep entirely for myself and the time before this last year, the time I now refer to with sadness and a sense of loss as "the innocence".

Crazyman Jones started at his new daycare last week. The first week went beautifully. when I dropped him off she smiled at him, he smiled at her and sweet little notes came home with captions like "He had a GREAT day!" and "I'm going to get you drunk, slip you rufies and steal your eggs to create more awesome kids". There was the one incident where she found him on the wrong side of the front door, staring in at the other kids with his chubby, deceptively angelic face smooshed against the glass making them all pee their diapers with laughter. But she seemed to thing that was quirky and endearing. Did I mention she's a daytime drinker?

Three days into this week and he's been in time out twice already. At 17 months old, I'm realizing that he has potential jail bird written all over him and I stink of mother of convicted felon. The good news is he'll more than likely be an escaped felon looking at his track record of secretive exits from the house during the split second we break eye contact with him in the last few weeks.

His father, who I blame for his genetic pool of trouble, looked lovingly into his offspring's sparkly, baby blues and said "Son, they're all starting to know who you are. This is a small town and we're running out of options. Act right." Crazyman responded with that rotten giggle that comes from his toes and a small slap to Dada's face. He then held up the convenience store and stole a tricycle from a pre-schooler that he bribed into being his getaway pedaler.

This all leads me to my point, because yes, I'm trying to make changes and have things like a point once in awhile. My husband said it might just save our marriage if I do. I've been keeping my eye on childcare listings on Craigslist so that I won't be caught off guard and drunk when our next need arises. Okay, I might be drunk but I'll be tipsy and armed with knowledge.

In doing this, I've become quite familiar with what is out there in between my small town and the neighboring town I grew up in. And let me tell you, it ain't pretty.

I stumbled across this one the other day. Maybe I'm alone in this, but this? Creeps me out:

Hello Kids. I am a mom (who was a teacher) and am home for the evening. Would you like to come hang out with us? We will have Pizza, movies, snacks, play-time and homework help if you need! We can have a dance party and make crafts. Let mom and dad know to give me a call. Let them know that you really wanna come and that it is only $30!!!

P.S. We LOVE radioDisney so be prepared to rock out with us!!!

I realize this is meant to be cute and witty but really? It's just wrong. The thought of children tooling around the pedophilia farm that is Craigslist looking for an adult who will give them pizza and rock out to Zack Efron singing tunes from Highschool Musical eleventy-ten and all for the low price 30 bucks makes me a tad ill. I'm hoping "tickle time" isn't part of the curriculum here.

The sad part is that this? Is the trailer chick we nearly interviewed. Hooray for close calls with happy endings.

And this one here, well it speaks for itself:

Hello Im going to be a stay at home mom my son is almost 7 months and im going to stay home with him. So if you are looking for chilcare im very felxable. I offer day,night and weekends. You let me know what times your needing and we can work out the rest. References available

We will work on numbers, colors, shapes, ABC's, animals, sounds I belive the school the bus pick up and drops off is at Cambrige for the mom and dads who just need befor and after help.

With that I'm off to stock up on duct tape and Valium. Mommy needs a nap.


Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

1) The first lady only needs to advertise some 'Jesus Juice'. Then she'll get the kids running to her...

2) If you can't spell, you can't teach my kid to spell. Whore.

Lara said...

Dealing with child care is such a headache. I am thankful every time I leave the house with them alone here and think, "Wow, I can finally leave them alone at the house and know that there's a pretty good chance that they'll still be alive AND the house intact when I return."

That time will come for you too.

And when it does, remember to lock your bedroom door before you leave.

Blue Tissue Box said...

Just out of curiousity, is the last woman Miss South Carolina from the 2007 Miss Teen USA pagent?

And, as a daycare provider, let me let you in on a little secret that I'd never tell the parents who pay me:

The first week, your kid is gold, everything s/he does is adorable, because that's what you're paying me to say. Not only that, we're trying to hook, line and sinker you AND your child. We want everyone to be happy.

The second week, is HELL week. Not just for you and your child, but for us too. Your kid now thinks s/he's president of the toy box and can run around like he owns the house. That fact, plus the fact that we are no longer thinking his/her antics are so cute, is making us enforce rules, BIG TIME. We overuse our Time Outs, just to be sure s/he knows that what we say, goes, period.

I always find that I'm very tough for a few weeks, that way I can lighten up, yet still have the respect (aka, everyone knows i'm the boss!). Much easier than being to easy and trying to get tougher and enforce rules.

I was thinking of posting all of that on craigs, what do you think? Business would be booming then, eh?

J said...

That has really got to suck, I'm sorry hon. I have never had to go through that, but I can only imagine how hard it is.

I agree with DPH. They HAVE to be able to spell!

Lisa..... said...

I know two people in Northen California who have a licensed day care and they are struggling. In this economy no one can afford it. And there you are alone in whatever state your in and can't find any child care. Sucks.

And SoCal is that way too, there is no child care kids under too. I had the hardest time when I moved here.

Anonymous said..., i really think water came out my nose. Especially the part where you were talking about being unprepared and probably drunk...too funny and I really love your honesty.

King of New York Hacks said...

my whole life I couldn't wait to hear the pitter patter of little feet running cross the floor and I have to say now that Its great to have a midget butler.

Maggie, Dammit said...

First of all, I believe you.

Second, this is a brilliant paragraph:

"His father, who I blame for his genetic pool of trouble, looked lovingly into his offspring's sparkly, baby blues and said "Son, they're all starting to know who you are. This is a small town and we're running out of options. Act right." Crazyman responded with that rotten giggle that comes from his toes and a small slap to Dada's face. He then held up the convenience store and stole a tricycle from a pre-schooler that he bribed into being his getaway pedaler."

Third, a story. I had to interview this lady for an article and we were going back and forth on email to set it all up. Her emails were completely incomprehensible. She seemed illiterate. I couldn't believe it. But when we met in person? She was incredibly articulate. It was the strangest thing.

Yeah, I'm done. I don't do morals, just stories. ;)

Lily's Mommy said...

Having to deal with childcare providers was part of the reason I'm a stay at home mom. I'd rather have no money and eat ramen noodles than worry about what some ignorant fat head was teaching my child. (no offense to the wonderful childcare providers who comment here)

And whatever happened to the boobie pictures???

Vodka Mom said...

Yikes. We had some hellish experiences with day care providers when we lived in Washington D.C., and then another bad one in Harrisburg. It's a tough, tough time for parents if there aren't family members available to help!

Trouble said...

Wow, do I so remember these days. Looking for childcare on Craigslist has to be an awful lot like looking for love on Craigslist, i.e., horrifying.

Anonymous said...

DPH said what I was thinking :)

And really? Ugh. Just UGH. I've perused the childcare ads on Craigslist for my area and Holy Mary Mother of Morons! The crap people say and the way they can't spell and they come off like Mary fricken Poppins when we all know their agenda consists of throwing Goldfish to the children while drinking and smoking and watching Jerry.

Or, that's been MY experience the TWO people I interviewed off Craigslist.

Seriously. Do you WANT me to move there and watch the boy for you? I will. Free of charge. Okay, not free. Buy me two kick ass pair of shoes a month and supply me with a big girl beverage at the end of the week and you've got yourself a deal ;)

Anonymous said...

This is why I have a cat. She pees outside, is capable of catching her own food if we forget to fill her bowl and $60 a year pretty much covers her medical expenses. Plus, if some wacko gets near her, she's armed with eye-scratching claws.