Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Judgment Day

You see my title up there? Yeah that's right, it's judgment day. And I probably judged you for just a moment if you spelled judgment with two e's because I do that shit all the time and you just made me feel better.

J started this Judgment Day movement and I jumped on the Judgment bandwagon. So sue me.

My mind is reeling because truly opening myself up makes me feel like a fish filet. What the hell does that mean? Who cares?

I'm a 31-year old, bleach blonde on my second marriage. I have 2 kids, but I've given birth to 3. That alone defines me every day of my life and eats away at my guts. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about the fact that my son's ashes are still in my bedroom. I'm never giving that little guy up. Never.

I spend most days struggling with the fact that I'm sure I did something during my pregnancy that caused his death.

I stress out about the color of my hair. A friend of ours once said my hubs ex-girlfriend had "chicken fat yellow hair", instantly I wondered if anyone thought that about me.

I'm white trash. I never knew it growing up. I thought my family did just fine. My real father was an abusive alcoholic who left this world Leaving Las Vegas style when I was just 16. I've let that define me for way too long. He beat me and all his wives, at the age of 10 I refused to see him ever again.

My grandmother (his mother) called me a crazy, brainwashed brat. I let that define me for way too long as well.

I let everyone else in my life define me for most of my life until now. I always just wanted to fit in and as a result I was a total chameleon in High School and hung out with everyone, even while rocking my bizarre hair colors that I was self-conscious of.

I met my ex-husband and my husband the same night. Does that make me a whore? No, but sleeping with my husband the night before meeting my ex-husband's parents just might. Or while his ex-girlfriend was sleeping upstairs, we did on the couch in his living room and then had to rinse the cover of the futon out in the kitchen sink.

Whatever. I was madly in love with my husband from the word go and the fact that he was a wild ass didn't stop me from living my life, I tried to move on, but I was always, always, always in love with him. And the fact that he was dating my friend didn't stop me either.

I think I'm a good wife. I try very hard to be but I'm scared to death of losing my husband over something stupid, the way I lost my stupid real father. So I'm on my hubs ass, a lot. Both Jason and I fear remaining white trash for the rest of our lives but I have gotten to the point where I just don't care what most people think.

Until? I see they are looking at my tattoos. I know everyone in this world judges me by these things I've put on my body. And I hear people say your body is a temple blah, blah, blah... My body is organic matter that is going to rot and decay and fall away. If I want to put some fucked up piece of art on it that will be there until I'm old and wrinkled, then so be it. I see it as hardly any more than changing the color of my hair or my shirt that day. I don't think all tattoos have to mean something and I'm annoyed when people ask me what mine mean. Mind your own fucking business. If you needed to know, then I'd make it obvious. Otherwise? It's between me and my fucking skin. And yes! That's how I really feel about it.

And finally? My ass has been at the center of my life for most of it. If any comment is ever made about the way I look, it is usually about my ass. It's been called fat and it's been called big. But always by women. No man has ever made a negative comment about my ass. At least not to my face. And I don't think one day ever went by in Jr. High or High School where my ass did not get grabbed by some pimply faced butt head. So I'm very sensitive about my ass and it still bothers me to this day when my hubs grabs it.

So what do I judge people on? Well I'm really not very judgmental at all. I'm a huge hypocrite because if you are judgmental I think you're an asshole. I respect your right to be that way, just take it somewhere else. Like away from my kids.

I hate bullies, if you bully I will turn around and dish it back, even if the person you bully is someone I think is an idiot.

I think Republicans are freakish. You have every right to be one, I just think you're bizarre.

What I'm about to type next is going to kill me. It's absolutely going to kill me to say it, but here goes. I have friends who are overweight. I have my entire life. My mom always told me "don't pick on anyone because of their weight." This colored my life so entirely that my mom then told me that I "bring every fat kid home from school and make them my best friend".

Yeah, I was confused too. But I just never saw any of my friends as a weight. I still don't.

But here is the tough part for me. When I see an overweight person in one of those motorized scooters at a store? I just think they are lazy and gross. More than likely they have a health issue, but I assume it's because they don't take care of themselves. But then when I have no liver or breast cancer, I will think I deserve it for drinking and getting breast implants.

I think that people who judge others for being gay are disgusting trash. They make me absolutely sick to my stomach. I think that when someone calls a transgendered person a he/she they are rude assholes.

And people who wear crosses around their neck scare the shit out of me.

So there you go. Judge away!


Bluestreak said...

wow, that was really honest. This could be your about page because i feel like i just learned loads about you.

KaritaG said...

Aw, I love you even more now! We really are cosmically connected, wow.

J said...

God I love ya.

PS. Judgement has 2 e's in my book.

Okay, well not in America. But somewhere they still spell it like that.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Yeah, I love you even more now too.

But I will say for the record I'm a republican AND I call transgenders "shim's". Sorry.

Blow me.

You still like me.

Anonymous said...

This is inspiring. And honest. I appreciate it!

Anonymous said...

I didn't think it was possible, but I have even MORE respect for you now. God, you're effing awesome!!

Lara said...

I judge 'pretty' people. I think they are shallow.

My husband once asked me why all my friends are fat, and if I can't get some hot friends.

chichimommy said...

Wow, I think that was the most honest blog I've ever read. You are so brave to open up and share your TRUE feelings; I have a Huge Respect for you!

Rob said...

Since becoming a parent earlier this year, I've developed a nasty habit of being critical of my friends who are crummy Dads. You know the type - they're out drinking with buds, playing Playstation 3 games, or some other guy stuff more evenings than not - and all the while they have a child (or two) at home who'll be lucky to spend 30 minutes with 'em for the whole day. They have no commitment or sense any obligation to be really involved in their kids' lives and that pisses me off.

Being a Dad is more than showing up for splashing around in the bathtub or reading books before bedtime. There's lots of hard work - and infinitely rewarding moments - in the hours between the big-ticket events of the day.

Anyway, that's my judgmental thing that I need to work harder to suppress... even if it is justifiable.

Allie Bear said...

You've inspired me to write an serious judgment blog, tomorrow maybe.

BitchinSisters said...

Nice to meet you Betsey - in all your non-judgmental glory. I agree totally with everything you said in this post, including the shameful admission of the silent judgments we all pass on "people of weight". Come on over and visit me on our site, it is all about the judgments and bitching.

Anonymous said...

When someone stands up with courage and shows who they are, like you just did, it's beautiful. You're beautiful.

Blue Tissue Box said...

Most people that have to go through a portion of what you've gone through would be in a corner somewhere rocking themselves to sleep. So don't ever let me see you compare yourself to white trash again.

as always, you rock and i <3 you!

Maggie, Dammit said...

Holy shit!


Party of Five said...

Wow! Very honest!

Lily's Mommy said...

See, you are so awesome. I could never have the courage to lay it all out there. I can't even do it for myself - my old diaries lay there silently accusing me. :P

ghost of keywork said...

Betsy, Tits, I think I like you less after this. You misspelled 'judgement'. Dumb-dumb.

ghost of keywork said...

Colour. I knew you would be going there.

That Chick Over There said...

I guess I'm white trash too. I'm okay with that.

I agree with you on most of what you've said here. I'm fat as Holy Hell, but I'm out there walking every night trying to get it off my body. I try really hard not to judge people in those scooters, because you never know what got them there. I also try not to judge those people who beat the shit out of their kids in public, but I can't help it. I judge them.

I wrote, just yesterday, about how Clay Aiken coming out as being gay is SUCH A FREAKING NON-NEWS story. For the Love of God. Like anyone cares that he's gay. And if they do, fuck them. Seriously.

Now, I might judge you if you like Clay Aiken's MUSIC...


That Chick Over There said...

Oh, and I know that people judge me for being 32 and on my second marriage. Fuck them.

Anonymous said...

You Rock Betsy! That was a great blog entry for me to read since I'm new to all of your awesome big-boobed, blonde haired, white trash, craziness.

I think I'm in love. :)

Lisa..... said...

I judge people with breast implants.

just kidding.

Thanks for sharing that. I have a big ass too.

Captain Steve said...

My cousin is 28 and ending his second marriage, but then marriage is not my family's strong suit.

I judge you for your judgement! (I swear judgement really does have two e's. Right? It looks right. . . now I'm insecure, dammit!)

Pearmama said...

I'm a fat ass...we could sooo be friends.