Friday, September 5, 2008

Everybody's Doing It

Dirty Pirate Hooker here, guest blogging for Tits McGee while she's on the mend! I've been doing quite a bit of guest blogging lately and I have such a hard time with it. It's not that I mind at all, it's just that I always get nervous writing on other people's blogs. What if I say something that offends them??? If that were the case then they probably wouldn't be reading my blog...but I get ridiculous anxiety over it regardless.

So I decided to tell you all one of my deep, dark secrets.

You know how some kids are bed wetters, others are whiners, then you have the biters and the temper tantrum thowers? Not me. When I was a kid, I was a nose picker. I picked my nose like I was looking for a pirate's chest full of gold. My mom had to constantly tell me to get my finger out of my nose, but I refused. It felt good. Plus as an added bonus, sometimes I would get something good and be able to play with it for hours!

In one of my many houses that I lived in growing up we had a very large painting hanging in our front hallway. It was this horridly ugly 80's pastel painting of a bird's of paradise (flower/plant thing). Anyway. When I was at home, picking a winner while watching tv, I would go wipe my boogers on the backside of this painting.

A few years later we moved on to another house and on the day of the move, my mother removed the painting from the wall and screamed. We all came running in to find out what happened. She looks right at me, turns the painting around and says, "this is disgusting, DPH". I was shocked and horrified. Never in my life had I seen as many boogers, all dried up and crusty, hanging to the back of this canvas print. I never picked my nose again. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My mother continued to check the back of every painting and picture in our house for years and would interrogate me as to where I was putting my boogers. The bitch never belived me that I had stopped. Oh well.

This is me, in my booger picking prime with my piece of shit brother.

Tits McGee, I hope your tits are feeling better soon. Thanks for letting me air my dirty laundry on your blog.

19 comments:

I am Trish Marie said...

Now I am all paranoid about where my kids might be hiding their boogers. Thanks.

ghost of keywork said...

When I was in first grade, I attended Strickland Elementary. Yep, a strict private school. My teacher caught me picking my nose. So this fucking bitch made me dip my finger in Cod Liver Oil and put my finger back up my nose. I had to stand there in front of the class for a half hour, with my cod finger up my nose. Cunt. I hope she died a horrible, slow, and very ironic death. DPH, if this is your 'gross' post, try harder. You're attached to a very disgusting man.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Trish, start looking behind pictures and under tables. Good place to start!

Ghost, oh this is really not that bad. I didn't think it was too bad really until J the trouble maker made me feel like it was horrible and disgusting, so I got a complex about it. I have far more disgusting this that I do, trust me. We'll be disgusting together. How sweet...

ghost of keywork said...

Disgusting is sweet.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

So are open sores. Or so I've heard. Tastes like pineapple juice.

ghost of keywork said...

Or pork rinds.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I would kill for a bag of spicy pork rinds...

KaritaG said...

Or flaming hot cheetos.

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, man, what a confession!

Sheri said...

Oh man! Well, I know where my 4yo puts hers... in her mouth. YUCK, YUCK, YUCK! I tell her not to, and she asks me, "Why? They taste good.". Ewwwwww!

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Sheri, ewwwwww. That's so gross. I remember tasting mine once when I was a kid and being like, fuck no!!!

Lisa..... said...

Some kids are total pickers. I can tell at work too. And FYI kids with cancer shouldn't pick (they'll get nose bleeds that don't stop without a tranfusion.... and then have dried up clots and then pick, it's a vicious cycle). But we can spot the pickers. Especially when they deny it but have bloody fingernails.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Yeah, I love it when the punk gets a bloody nose and I ask her if she was picking and she says no. Then I look at her fingers and they're all bloody. Hmmmm, how odd!

J said...

I just called BB, no answer. I left her a message telling her to call me soon, or have Jason call.

DPH at least you hid your boogers....I know people who wipe them on walls..........

J said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lara said...

Yeah J... my son hid his in plain sight on the wall next to his bed. I used to have to wash his wall every time I went to change his sheets, and trust me, dry boogers do NOT come off easily.

He mostly stopped when I got fed up and handed him the cleaner and a rag and told him he had to keep scrubbing until the wall was clean. I don't want to know what he did with them after that. I'm hoping for kleenex, but I'm trying not to delude myself.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

J, so true.

Thank god the punk is not interested in her boogers...yet.

Lisa..... said...

I knew a guy in high school who had a "booger patch" in his car (66 mustang,kicked ass). It was in the center, between the the driver and passenger seat on the blue upholstery. Anyone who didn't know inevitably rested their hand on it. And we'd laugh.

Kat said...

That is hilarious.