Friday, August 22, 2008

The Financing

After the consultation, which most cosmetic surgeons will do for free, you then spend a lot of time thinking about what you are about to undergo.

Me? I waffled. I tried not to think about it and then I tried to think about it and it was like I hit a thinker's block. I just couldn't think about it anymore. And like anything that I try not to think about, it creeps into my mind while I sleep at night and I find myself waking up at 3:00 in the morning in a slight panic.

The thing is that I never really thought about NOT doing it in that time. I thought about everything that went along with it, but not doing it didn't seem to be an option. I even slightly panicked when not doing it might have become the answer.

So I went in and went through the booby sizing game. At the end of it they showed me a list of dates and handed me a short stack of brochures for cosmetic surgery financing companies. Which introduced me to a whole new round of anxiety attacks. Anytime I have financed anything in my life I panic. Being judged by financy dudes makes me ill. My dad always said, "Never let anyone know how much money you make or don't. They do nothing but judge you with it." So here I am filling out forms to tell people the one thing that my dad always told me not to tell. I mean I JUST showed my boobs to a strange man and now I have to tell people how much I make. What would dad say?

Jason had to do the initial footwork for me. I just couldn't do it. It was too much for me. So he did and they said they would call us in an hour. So bite my nails for an hour I did. And an hour become two and then three. And then three hours became days. A week had passed and we didn't hear anything. I was convinced it was the Gods and the Cosmos and all that other cool Discovery Channel stuff telling me that I was meant to have these sad little tidlums the rest of my life. I just gave up and let it go.

It made me sad. Jason asked me about it and I told him it just wasn't meant to be. He shook his head at me and got a tad angry and said, "so you just give up like that?" And stupid me nodded my sad head. The thought of calling them only to hear I was rejected was too much for me. So Jason sighed and picked up the phone and called them. He then says, "you were approved, you dork!" It turns out my account manager was out sick. With that I did a happy booby dance to rival all others. Are there other happy boob dances? I dunno.

Do you know what happened after that? A big nothing. Again, it was another week with no info and then my doctor's office called. It's a little amazing how fast things happened after that. After the initial fast form online you then have to fill out the tall stack of forms that have to be notarized and sent via some service where they can track that shit. Which by the way, Jason had someone in his office notarize them so they know too! Included on those forms are the promise to give up your last born, my first was too old at this point, as well the names and phone numbers of every person you have ever known since birth so they can verify that you aren't a slime bag.

And do you know that they actually call every single person on that list too? We were getting calls left and right from people telling us they were called as a reference. And here is the kicker. When they called my office to verify employment do you know what it said on the caller ID screen?

Cosmetic Surgery.

Oh they only identify themselves by the name of the finance company verbally but when I transferred the call to my boss I knew that 'Cosmetic Surgery' was popping up on the screen at his desk.

Subtle, no?

So now, not only do I have to tell them that I'm going to be out for surgery but guess what? They know it's not my fucking gall bladder or some shit. They know full well that I'm fixing something. I might as well tell them what or when I get back it's going to be a full-on examination to determine just what it was.

Anyhow, after making sure that I was in fact a warm-blooded human with actual friends and family they let me know that I was indeed all set and all it takes is an APR of your left and right leg followed by a monthly payment of both arms. You will have fantastic tits but you will have no limbs because it truly will cost you an arm and a leg.

Hey, we're all set now. I go in there in 12 days and do you know what is causing me the most anxiety now?

They told me not to wear make-up the day of surgery. I'm going to be knocked out cold in front of other people without a lick of mascara.



Anonymous said...

OK I have to admit I'm in love with your blog. You rock and your hot! :) I'll be hanging out and checking in from time to time if you don't mind.

Betsey Booms said...

Hey Brutus - Thanks for reading. I always welcome new readers.

And thanks for the compliment. The good news is my husband agrees, I think he might be the only man allowed to say that though!

I am Trish Marie said...

Okay, now I am having slight panic attacks. I really want new boobs, but the whole money part scares me.

Lara said...

Quick. Is there time to schedule one of those "permanent makeup" places before the 12 days are up?


Screw the mascara. I'd be freaking over my missing face powder and those lovely morning blotches.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

LOL, Ok I ALWAYS wear makeup into surgeries (and I've had a few). They just say that, but they aren't going to make you take it off. I swear! Wear the make'll be fine!

Betsey Booms said...

Trish - It actually wasn't that bad to go through the financing portion, I'm just a spaz.

Lara - I'm guessing you don't have white eyelashes and look like an albino rabbit without eye make-up like I do.

DPH - That's exactly what I thought, but then I was watching a DR. 90210 the other day and they put tape on this woman's eyes when she was getting her surgery... So then I was all, what if they do that and then it adheres to my mascara and they rip them out???

See? Spaz.

Anonymous said...

I'd be freaked out about now wearing make up too. Especially the first time you meet your new boobs.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Yeah, they do tape your eyes, but I have never had a problem with it. You can do it Tits McGee!

KaritaG said...

From one albino rabbit to another, I hear you! Have you ever gotten your eyelashes tinted? Now might be the time to try it, if you haven't.

J said...

LOL. I love it that you worry about not wearing make-up. I promise you, honey, they won't be looking at your face.

They will be looking at your tits.

LOL. Why do I find such joy in that?

Allie Bear said...

See, that's why I got my makeup tattood (why does that look like it's spelled wrong), it's all in preparation for my boobs.

I have some questions for you about the surgery if you don't mind emailing me and you don't mind answering personal questions. My husband is wanting to substitute our trip in the Spring for me getting new ta-tas and you are the expert now so asking you would be the easier than hunting down a doctor in this damn town.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Umm, I'm pretty sure your boss is going to notice something reeeeally different about you, whether you tell him or not. ;)


Briana said...

I'm jealous!!! I bet you can't wait!

Anonymous said...

I want a new rack. But, it's not an option for me at this point, so I'm living it through you :)

Immoral Matriarch said...

I'm so excited for you! Take lots of photos of your old tits and then new tits! I'll show you how to blur out the nipples in Picnik if you need me too. :P

Captain Steve said...

Really, they're right. They're totally going to be scoping your rack. They probably won't even notice the lack of mascara. The money part sounds terrifying! All that calling, and waiting, and finance people and then payments. I hate payments. I hate them with all of my blackened and schriveled soul.

Kat said...

Well, I'm totally excited. New boobs are fun!! And you? Give me a bahrake. You're so fucking beautiful that they are going to be gasping in awe at the sight of your naked face, and will be inspired to make you some seriously gorgeous ta-tas to match. K?

Anonymous said...

I always wondered why they told you not to wear make up before surgery...

Anonymous said...

Re: the whole make up during surgery thing - there's a few interesting commments here (ignore the first dude - seems to have a problem)

Here's a couple of things of interest:
Don't wear foundation because the anaesthesiologist needs to see your skin color properly to see if you're "oxygenating well"

Make up can get into your incision and cause an infection.

(This last one seems a bit bogus)


Karen MEG said...

Hey Betsey, I don't remember how I stumbled on your blog, but it's great! I had no idea you were going for some new boobs; I've always thought about it but been too scared. I'm sure I'd give many a "before shot" a run for the money. But I'm afraid on me a new rack would be freakishly apparent, as Asian women with boobs are quite the anomoly.
I look forward to reading more about it - good luck.