Monday, August 4, 2008

The Consultation

My appointment for the surgery is September 4 -in exactly one month. I had not been nervous at all but I had fitful dreams last night that I know pertained to this.

Almost two-weeks ago I had the consultation with the surgeon. Jason went with me. Why? Because he rocks just a little bit and I didn't want to go in there all amped, yelling "give me the biggest jugs you got!". I can't actually see myself doing that but you know, I can't be held responsible for what I do.

Oh and also? Jason LOVES eating in hospital cafeterias. I'd like to say I don't get it and laugh at him but I do get it. I love eating there too. Something about the green beans with pieces of bacon in it gets me every time.

So we met up in the parking lot and walked in together. As I walked up to the front counter to meekly announce my arrival, Jason sat down to peruse the reading materials. They hand me the standard clip board of 80-hundred forms to convince them that I don't do heroin, have strokes on a daily basis or have children yearly to sell on the Black Market. I settle down into the chair to start the hand-numbing filling in of forms and Jason leans over to me with a brochure, boldly displaying a booby and loudly whispers "look! They've got porn here!"

Unlike OTHER doctors offices, I don't wait for very long at all. Apparently, today's economy might just be putting a slump into the good doctor's business or it was a slow day. I only saw one other patient in the lobby and I think she was there for Botox. Don't ask why I think that, I just wanted to be judgey and decide what I thought she needed!

They lead us to the room and I fully expect to have to wait forever again, you do any other doctor's office, right? And as I suspected she says "here is a book of before and afters to look at while you wait for the doctor". So Jason and I peruse the jug shots and not too far in Jason declares that he was entirely correct and mine aren't so bad because, seriously? Look at these poor women.

And you know? He was kind of right. There are some honeys in some bad shape out there. As we looked through the book, I was a little weirded out at first. I've never seen so many boobs and they all seemed to be staring directly at me. Well except for a few of the before shots, but by the afters they were staring at me too.

Jason points out that he better enjoy this while he can. He may never be allowed to see so many boobs all at once again. He has a good point and I half-heartedly wonder if he's ever seen this many at once EVER and then he says "Oh look, that one got a new swim suit afterwards", he judges this on her tan lines.

At first I was kind of unsure of what to look at but then I settled into my tatty scoping groove, declaring which ones I think went too large or perhaps not enough and then I see a set that look just about right because I am the goldilocks of funbags. Underneath it says "450 CC".

The doctor comes in first to talk to me and make sure again I'm not going to die right on the spot, he does the "I"ll step out, you put this on" gig and then comes back in to look at me. Seriously, being half naked in the middle of the day in front of my hubs, doctor dude and his nurse while we all discuss my shortcomings is not my idea of a happening party but I dealt and was a little amused by the whole thing. I, however, will never have a party where we discuss how lefty is bigger than righty ever again.

Honestly, having a guy stare at my boobs while he talks to me is nothing new, but not while I'm naked on my top half and my husband is chatting with him. He pokes and prods and tells me I have plenty of empty space to fill there. Thanks man, I needed that. I notice then? That I"m looking at all his imperfections too, so we're close to even.

The nurse has a big plastic tote with a handle that she cracks into at this point. It's the biggest pile of implants I ever hope to see. It was like most of LA had gone there and evaporated. She hands me my target sized bra and a tank top. I put the bra on and she comes over with two different sizes to try on that seem close to where I want to be. She tucks them into the bra, again? Weird. I put on the tank and walk over to the mirror. And you know what? I liked what I saw. The doc then tells the nurse to try a different size... back over to the table and her cold hands shove two new implants in the bra. Bigger. As I put the tank back on Jason's eyes bug out of his head and a smile spreads across his face. This from a man worried I'd go "too large".

As I walk back to the mirror the doctor says something I never thought I'd hear about anything other than birthing babies. He says "She's got great hips for it. Great height too." For the first time EVER, I look in the mirror and I'm a true hour glass... Not just curvy but balanced. The doctor looks at the two different sizes that I have in there and says that one looks better than the other and jots that number down.

The number he jotted down? 450 CC. Jason said "That's the one you liked honey!" and indeed it was. I just won booby bingo, folks.

At that point, everyone who was not legally wed to me left the room and I changed and we went to another room to discuss the cost. I saw the number and promptly fainted.

The fainting part probably isn't true but Jason saw the number and said that it was what he expected. I only saw mild panic register on his face. Or maybe that was my reflection in the mirror behind him. I'm not sure.

We took the paperwork, thanked the nurse and went downstairs to enjoy our chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes served with an ice cream scoop and discussed all the magical super powers the new boobies would give me.

For the record? They didn't have green beans that day.


Pam said...

I'm so jealous! I want a pair of boobs that actually stay up in the worst way. sigh.....I will have to settle for living through you for the time being!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of shortcomings, mine could be declared nothing-comings. I do good to fit in an A. Lefty fills it up and righty has space in between it and the bra. So sad. And when I lean forward, it's very obvious.

Yes I've spent a lot of time examining the size difference of my boobs. They're pitiful.

I loved when I was a C after Aidan was born, but that was short-lived.

I want full Cs. I'd love to know how much this is going to cost you. I have an idea, though, since I hung out with a lot of Hooter's Girls and strippers back in my day.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I love those green beans that hospital's have...yumm..

That's so exciting about your boobs!!!

Allie Bear said...

Hilarious! You won booby bingo!

Well, I can't wait to see how happy you are after the surgery, you know I'm going to want details (not like pictures or anything, that would be inappropriate).

Allie Bear said...

Okay, pictures with your clothes on would be appropraite so I'd want to see

I am Trish Marie said...

I am so incredibly jealous of you right now! You better post some before and after pics. Umm.... clothed. Unless of course you plan to start an another kind of site....

Anonymous said...

Good for you!

Briana said...

Yay!! How exciting!

Immoral Matriarch said...

I'd prefer the before and afters be naked. But that's just me.

Anonymous said...
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Captain Steve said...

For some reason, I imagine chatting with a guy staring at your naked rack to be akin to chatting with the gyno while she's doing her thing. Nervous and awkward for me. Congrats on your new tits!

KaritaG said...

I wouldn't mind seeing you naked, LOL! I can't wait to hear all about it, how EXCITING!!!

Maggie, Dammit said...

I feel like I just got to watch five minutes of my new favorite show and then it ended. This was awesome.

J-Nasty said...

I got me some boobs in 1998. I'd do it again tomorrow- best thing I've ever done. I was like you- tired of being curvy but unbalanced. :) Hooray for boobies!

Mama Dawg said...

Just discovered you. Love this post. I'll be back for more.