Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Low

I can't see my way out right now.

I'm really lost in the hurting. I know a good deal of it is Jadon. I know the rest is the hard little ball of hate I have for myself stuck way down inside my belly.

I've heard things said. Things said that won't undo. Things that resonate so clearly inside of me it's all I can feel. If it didn't feel so true then I could brush it aside. If I didn't feel that way too then I could forget it.

Being good enough is never an option and that big hill is always outside my door when I awake in the morning. I wish I could wake up and that hill I've been running up my entire adult life would just be gone.

But it won't.

Things that I have done that are good and right are seemingly unnoticed.

I cling to my son right now because he's the only one I have near me. Jadon is gone and always will be. My sweet daughter is gone for a few more weeks.

I'm rushing towards the end of this year of my life and the beginning of another. Why do we have to mark birthdays when they only serve as a reminder that another year of a life that isn't perfect has washed away?

I want so much to just smile and say that it's all alright. Maybe I should.

Maybe I realize that I'm not what was expected. Maybe I realize that until I'm that very thing then I'll never be right. All of it is running around in my mind. I hear it over and over.

It's always been bad for me this time of year. My birthday, Jadon's death and having Marley gone so close together while realizing that I don't bring happiness are so very much like cosmic kick in my soft belly.

If I can smile. If I can smile and keep smiling will it go away? Will it fix itself? Will a flood of smiling wash it away?

12 comments:

Maggie, Dammit said...

I hate to think of any kicks to your soft belly, cosmic or not. I hate to think of you hurting like this.

But it is what it is, no? It's part of what makes you so awesome, this pain and the ability to express it so well.

Hugs to you, my friend.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

No, smiling will not fix it. That's only a band aid.

Hugs and love to you Betsey!!!

xoxo

Lara said...

Smiling has never fixed it for me. In fact I think what fixes it the most is to stop trying to hide it all the time.

But I guess you just did. And I really hope that it passes soon.

Allie Bear said...

I'm really sorry that you are hurting, I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Have you talked to someone about it, like a professional? You've been through a lot.

KaritaG said...

I'm a smiler too, and DPH is right, it's just a bandaid. I know it sounds cliche, but it's okay to hurt. Sometimes just wallowing in it a little, letting it out and letting people help you, makes it go away faster than smiling. Promise.

Kellie said...

Smiling won't fix it. It won't fix itself. Talking to someone will help. You don't have to hurt. You don't have to try and fix it all on your own.

I'm sorry :( Really, really sorry.

Sarah said...

Oh, hon. It's terrible to feel that way. I hope you get over this hump soon.

J said...

Honey, we all love you just the way you are. You will always see that hill there, but you don't have to keep trying to run up it. If you can be happy where you are at then that is where you should be.

We are all here for you, and I will never believe that you need to change and be something you are not. I love you just the way you are.

Lily's Mommy said...

I'm sorry, beautiful. You seem pretty damn perfect to me. :)

I'm having a shitty day myself and although I hate to think of you being down, it kind of validates my own sorrow and loss. We don't have to be "perfect" all the time.

J-Nasty said...

I think Kellie's right. It may be time to talk to somebody who can help. You don't have to suffer like this, you deserve to be happy!

Trouble said...

I put a smile over the pain all the damn time. Sometimes, it helps. Sometimes, not. The main thing that helps me is to realize that the pain comes and then, it goes. It doesn't come and stay forever. But some part of it will always be there. That's how you know you still have a heart.

Trouble said...

I put a smile over the pain all the damn time. Sometimes, it helps. Sometimes, not. The main thing that helps me is to realize that the pain comes and then, it goes. It doesn't come and stay forever. But some part of it will always be there. That's how you know you still have a heart.