In Picking David Bowie Lyrics I Should Go With Chh-chh-Changes, but I'm Going With Moonlight, Serious Moonlight

My eyes are puffy and bleary which only means one thing! I've been crying like a wee baby and it was necessary to sing David Bowie at the top of my lungs on the way to work and marvel at the fact that if I had Karoke balls, I'd go out this weekend and rock the DB. I'd rock Mr. Bowie's tunes so freaking hard that you'd be all, "she is a hard rockin' (something that is surprising in how hard it rocks) thing".

And you see how I didn't rock hard at all right there? That's to add to the air of mystery that is going to shroud my hard rockin'ness.

So lately? I've been putting all this thought into how people are all judgy and waste their time thinking about things that make them seem cool. And by cool, I mean hip. And by hip, I mean, seriously? You take yourself that seriously? Or they do the opposite and they waste all this time thinking about how they are the opposite of hip. Or better yet... and this is my favorite. I am totally and I mean completely enthralled by people who think that the beer they drink defines them.

I could think of 100 things, wait no... (uh, 1, 2, 3...) Okay, I could think of maybe FIVE things that define me and my beer? It ain't one of them. But here is the thing, I find that I'm totally amused and want to be best friends with people who ARE concerned about how their beer defines them. And not because I think their awesomeness will rub off on me, but because I really, really want to get into their minds to find out what makes them tick.

All I know, is that by the end of that voyage? I'd want an icy, cold, Miller Fucking Lite. Because that is what is in my garage RIGHT NOW. Oooh, or better yet? A Michelob Ultra. Because I think THAT beer says, "I'm chubby, drunk and like the taste of fermented water." Because all of that? Is who I am. Well the drunk part is just a fraction of the time, but now we're getting into semantics.

I know, you? Yeah, you are fucking wowed right now. And I spent like a whole, I dunno, 5 seconds on my beer decision. I've mastered this.

Also? Yes, way back deep somewhere in my most reptilian mind, I probably feel that I'm just slightly more rad because I don't care that much.

But what makes me the hippest? Is that if I was in a bar that played, oh say, C'mon Eileen, I'd totally be all, "This place sucks!" and walk out after throwing my can of beer on the floor. But then I'd have to bend over and pick up my wood grain coozie.

***

PS BoomTube has moved to Saturday night and it's only a half hour now. Because you can't stretch this kind of fantastic out for a full hour. You just can't. So don't ask.

PPS This change already means that Jason and I are more than likely already pitted up against each other in the same time spot. He has an hour long set that might be aired at the same time. We're pulling out the cardboard dance floor tonight and having this crazy mad dance off to prove to just ourselves who is more awesome so that you, the people, don't have to.

PPSS If McCain and Obama had done that, we'd no longer be a democracy, but we'd be the coolest fucking nation in the Universe! You can bank on that!

UPDATED!! We'll always have Hasselhoff

"Hello?"

"I just passed a garage sale and they had a 6 foot tall cardboard cut out of David Hasselhoff, in full Knight Rider gear. Should I turn around? Should I get it?"

"Shut up! Of course you should get it. Are you crazy? Turn around."

"Alright, oh shit, hold on... Okay, I'm back on the road, I'll get it."

***

"Hello?"

"Man."

"What?"

"It was Elvis."

"It was Elvis? How the hell do you think that Elvis is David Mah'Fucking Hasselhoff?"

"I don't know, I drove by quick and turned and... Well, I think I just wanted it to be the Hoff."

"You totally did! What a let down."

"No kidding, my Hasselhoff dreams are ruined. I was already thinking of all the things we could do together. Just me and the Hoff."

"Ah, honey, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's just that he was wearing leather and I thought it was Knight Rider, but it was the King."

"Jason..."

"Yes?"

"I know you're sad. But, I promise. I'll make my life's goal to find you a 6 foot tall cut out of David Hasselhoff."

"Ok. You know, I think if I just had a cheeseburger, I might be okay. But, I seriously was thinking of all the things we were going to do together."

"I know babe, let's cue the montage of you and David running down the beach together. Perhaps having coffee. I love you."

"I love you too."

"We'll get through this. I promise."

"Yeah, we'll always have the Hoff, if only for a minute."


***

After hearing my story, my bosses decided to take pity on us and printed and mounted the Hoff head on a board for us. Oh the places we will go...