Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Texting With Monkey, Or There Is No Way In Hell I'm Going To Survive This Parenting A Tween Thing

Friday night Jason got home and said it was time we got new phones. He and I would upgrade and Monkey would semi-upgrade to my old phone. (Which is now covered in Pooh Bear stickers.)

(I said semi and pooh!)

With the upgrade in phones, we also added unlimited texting, which basically meant that Monkey could text now and texting was destined to become her new job, which would replace the old job of looking at me like I was dropped on my head and put on this planet to totally jack up her life.


Saturday when her dad came to pick her up, the Dude ran down the hall yelling "Sissy, your dada's home!" (How is that for blended family dynamics?) And off with her dad she went, about 2 hours later, the first text rolls in:

Hi mom. :) :P...

I responded and then she came back with:

Cool!!!!!:)...

And then:

Realy?!?!?!?!:)...


And:

Realy?? OMG!!:)

On and on this went for 3 hours until she ended with:

KINGKONG!!!!!!!!!!:) :) :) ...

Ten fucking exclamation marks. King Kong all one word, which still beats really with one L, I guess. This makes me question the school system that awarded her straight A's. Also, I'm not really sure what the hell she was talking about. I don't think she was even watching King Kong.

The good news is that this is the most we have talked in a year. You know, since "the hormones" kicked in. Well, with the exception of that day when I told her where babies came from and completely ruined her life FOREVER! Why AM I so weird and gross? The bad news? I was trying to drink in relative peace from my children and now she could reach me anywhere. Thanks 3G network! No really, freaking thank you.

In the morning I was a little hungover, eating an ice cream bar and french toast and greeted with:

God morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)...




When she got home from her dad's that afternoon I said, "Let me see your hands."

And then I broke her number 1 button pushing finger and told her she'd thank me later. Because no kid of mine was going to abuse punctuation in this manner. If she couldn't punctuate maybe she'd focus on her spelling.

I'm pretty sure this is the same program they'd use in Summer school's across the country.

The next day I caught her texting her friend:

i just got back from the grocery store

No punctuation.

"Monkey, go put that damn phone in your room!"



She had to explain to her friend later that it's not that she's NOT excited about the grocery store, who wouldn't be, it's that she is grounded from exclamation marks. And only allowed 25 texts a day.

***

PS - I totally lied about the breaking of the finger.

PPS - I just sprained it a little.

PPSS - Still lying, I kicked her in the shins...

Do I realy need to go on???!!! :) ;P :) ... OMG!!!

18 comments:

Gwen said...

LOL!

MommaKiss said...

Tweens. Not at all lookin forward to that stage. Altho? The "sex talk?" I plan to say this "That thing in your pants? It's for peeing only."

cute pics of Monkey - for real.

ghost of keywork said...

Um, French Toast and an ice cream sandwich? For breakfast? Lady, you need to quit spending so much in the kitchen.

for a different kind of girl said...

OMG!!!!! I LOL'ed the shiz out of this!!!!! This is forever fantastic. It's also planted the fear in me now that I said to my husband last week, "Hey, we should probably get that oldest kid who lives here a cell phone." The only upside to that plan is maybe I will be able to read his serial killer writing then.

(our simultaneous blog commenting yesterday was the highlight of my Monday, btw. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Mongoliangirl said...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ajillofalltrades said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe KINGKONG is her newly adopted signing off pseudoname.

My step daughter's is darkchocolateee

Yeah....don't ask.

Rassles said...

Good for you. You tell her that an exclamation point is a fucking gift. Like a case of beer. After about fifteen, you start getting a little sick of 'em.

Gypsy said...

Just wait until she discovers the interobang. Sounds dirty, doesn't it?

Love Bites said...

My daughter sent and/or received over 6,000 texts last month. I'm not lying.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Ok, I tried to comment about 400 time this morning from my Blackberry and it wouldn't let me. Jerk.

Anyway, this post was hilarious. My little brother just got a cell phone and has been texting me non stop. He's 11. Yesterday he texts me and I ask him where he is and his reply? In class. Good job little brother.

And KINGKONG!!!! was awesome.

BusyDad said...

So what DOES KingKong!!! mean?

Please don't make me turn to my seven year old for that answer. I'm uncool enough as it is.

IB said...

I'm pretty sure that it weren't for texting I'd have no relationship with my son at all.

Gwen said...

To differentiate me from the other Gwen, I'm going to sign my comments with Gwen J. I don't want you confusing us. It's weird, too, because I'm so used to being the only Gwen. It's like the little bubble of my universe has burst. Anyway, I don't know if I'm going to be able to survive the texting bullshit of the tween/teen years. It boils my blood. The over-use of the exclamation points, the replacing of perfectly good letters with unacceptable letters (dat instead of that. Why? Why do they do it?) I really can see myself breaking little fingers. I'm worried. - Gwen J.

rachie! said...

My niece was like this from about 11 to 16 (which is now). I'd send her a short email and she'd reply with "Jelly Beans!!!!!!" or something else that made no sense. No response to actual questions, just random nonsense that always made me think she had a random word generator for email or something. Good luck with that.

I'm getting more and more happy that I'm having a boy and hoping more and more that I only ever have boys!

rachel - a southern fairytale said...

Ye GADS! and mine is just about to turn 6.. thinking of what will be when she's a tween makes me shudder...
EEEEEEEK

Miss Yvonne said...

Texting is pretty much the only way I get information out of my 17 year old. In person he's all "meh" and "bah" but he turns into a bad-spelling chatterbox via text.

Candy said...

Spaghett!!
is what I get.

Lara said...

I block texting on my kids' phones.

Yeah. I'm a bitch. And they can blame me.