Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Updated: The Muppet Babies Are Going to Make Me Work Out

Last night I decided that I had had enough of THIS (waving my hand all around in front of my beer gut). It's been a long time coming and you know how with heroin you have to hit rock bottom before you get that monkey off your back? And by rock bottom I mean you find yourself dressed up like Cinderella in the bottom of a dumpster with a can of tuna on your head like a pillbox hat. And when you try to remember how you got there the only word you can come up with is 'robots' and you're pretty sure that wasn't really how you got there. It was a lot like that only less "found in the dumpster Barbie" and more "oh my God, I'm gross and have nothing to wear".

I've just been decidedly uncomfortable. I've been slowly creeping out of every pair of jeans I own and when I bend over I actually have this ball of belly flub that hangs over the top of my pants and let me tell you, that has never happened to me before. I'm not even convinced that it is ever going away. I'm more easily convinced that there is a just a rather large parasitic donut growing in there that is actually some seed for a master race of aliens that will come and take over, but more than likely it's just, you know, beer and french fries.

Mmmm, fries. Especially with chili and cheese. Oh, oh and onions.

And, now you see my problem.

So last night I went down in the storage room and dug out my favorite work out video that has been sitting in there since we moved in the house and evidently, I've been discouraged at finding it because it was all like in a box, that was taped shut and everything. I was sure it was going to be 30 whole minutes of digging, scrounging and pretending I'm on a geological expedition in South America all Muppet Babies, let's imagine style, and it was actually in the second box I looked in. Which just made the last two years of my life seem more disgusting than they actually were before I set foot in that storage room.

The video itself is super embarrassing because, and get this, it's totally Buns of Steel... FOUR! Buns of Steel Four. I got it for a dollar and the last time I used it, I ended up wearing a bikini in Mexico. I'm pretty sure that will never happen again, but then I also came up with that bullshit about alien donuts and Muppet Babies, so you know, it's a toss up.

Anyway, I worked out last night and when I was done, my head was insanely sweaty and my face was beet red, but you know what? I felt really freaking good.

And, then I got up this morning and my pants still hate me. So evidently you have to do this shit more than once. So I think I'll try again tonight.

Oh and PS - The hobo dance club has removed the cushionless couch and added a dirty mattress with several pairs of dirty jeans, a door knob and a kids toy box sitting on top of it. I'm not sure, but I think it just became a hobo strip club.

PPS - and now that I wrote that and then read out loud back to myself, that all seems even weirder than I initially thought.

And, my co-workers want to know why I'm mumbling about hobos, but not in a real concerned for me way, mostly in a selfish, is she going to shank me way.

And yes... Yes I will, back off.

PPSS - When I said I ended up wearing a bikini in Mexico, it wasn't like waking up in the bottom of the dumpster. I remembered flying to Mexico and everything. The video had nothing to do with it and absolutely did NOT slip me rufies or anything.


Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I'm totally under the impression that one work out video equals results and am quickly discouraged. Its bullshit.

MommaKiss said...

Buns of frikkin steel. Do you have leg warmers and a head band??

Hey - anything that works. I need a serious dose of guntbegone - altho I'm saving my pennies for tuck.

for a different kind of girl said...

I have workout tapes that are still encased in their protective plastic. That plastic, it should be noted, is to ward off my sticky fingers, which, it should be further noted, I got as a result of (perhaps) eating a bit too many peanut butter cups.

Rassles said...

This one time I was all, "sure, I can try pilates" and then I was all "fuck you, people who exert themselves a'purpose" and then I just got really drunk and had some chili.

Rassles said...

To be fair, I thought "pilates" was pronounced "pilots" and that there would be airplanes.

Rassles said...

ALSO: Dude, strip club? That sounds like a hobo whorehouse.

Gypsy said...

I'm thinking about joining the Y. It just seems less intimidating than a gym.

Although Buns of Steel 4 might just be my ticket. That and Just My Size Yoga.

Miss Yvonne said...

Good for you getting back in shape with your 80's workout video! Do you wear legwarmers and those high-cut leotards too? Best that you do this now, or in five years you'll end up like me with a muffin top from hell and no hope of ever having a flat stomach and no side rolls again.

I'm telling you this because I care and also because you are a smokin' hot mama and there are so few of them in the world that you are practically am endangered species and I would hate for all of us to lose another one.

Please, won't someobody think of the smokin' hot mamas??!!!

P.S. Great, now I've got "Let's Get Physical" in my head.

Val said...

Oh, you want to talk embarrassing work out videos? I have Tai-Bo (?) and Windsor Pilates (from the infomercial!!)

Maybe I should start using them again... But they make such a nice shelf for my dust.

Blues said...

My husband whined until we got a treadmill. I didn't want it because there was nowhere to put it. He said it would be perfect right next to the bed. I guess that way we can just wake up, roll over, and start instantly exercising. Which for me is just one more reason not to get out of bed on time.

Fuck. I have muffin top over my jeans. It's shitty.

Mongoliangirl said...

Um, BB? If you don't mind? That first paragraph? No more talking about stuff you've read in my journal, umkay?

cath said...

My little nephew loves watching each TV episodeThe Muppets.

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