Monday, March 30, 2009

People Are Such Babies About Being Coughed On

My kid, "the carrier", has pretty much recovered from his mutant viral strain of malaryia, tuberculosis, the plague, shiv in germ form and leprosy.

His father and I? Not so much.

I'm positive mine has morphed and mutated further into some weird typhoid/zombie like thing. I refuse to acknowledge the leprosy mostly because I look horrible in rags, nothing has fallen off or doubled in size yet and I hate Mother Teresa. Besides, leprosy is just zombie in a less cool form.

And with that, I locked down my place in Heaven. Look out Heaven, it's going to be a special kind of party when I get there. Mostly, because I'm anti-social and drunk a lot.

Evidently, when you are coughing a lot and have strange colors of phlegm evacuating from your face at regular intervals, your dentist is a little iffy about digging around in there. Also? People don't like it when you sit next to them in the weekly staff meeting. So I coughed on every chair around me and made myself comfortable.

Let me drop some science on you, right here. Some remedies that apparently have no effect on this particular strain of death on wheels would be Miller Light (I refuse to type LITE seriously), tacos, fajitas, shrimp nachos, Dayquil, Nyquil and Robitussin. And in regards to the Robitussin, Jason displayed some crazy mixed martial arts madness to get that shit down my throat. Robo-nasty.

Actually? I'd rather swallow something called Robo-nasty. It sounds robotic and honest.

So I'm thinking that the person who left me the love note, wishing that I would die, just might get their wish, which is what I get for being such a fucking people pleaser.

You're welcome.


Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Dude. Wanna hear a joke?

What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

LMAO! Oh, I crack myself up.

Miss Yvonne said...

I've never thought of it before, but you are totally right about lepers. They are just a poor substitute for zombies. Because lepers are only terrifying in a contagious-disease kind of way. Whereas zombies will totally eat your face off and then rip your arm off and use it to beat the crap out of your neighbor. That my friend is true terror.

Ryan Lawson said...

I love the visual of you coughing on each respective chair, and then settling in like you don't know everyone in the room with soon come down with malaria.

Now, when someone gets sick, you can jump up and yell, "HA, motherfucker! I got you sick! It was meeeee!"

This, of course, would be followed by you running off into the night, cackling and coughing on strangers, like a werewolf with polio... I could go on, but I'm not sure where I'd be going, so I'm going to stop here.

Feel better.

Anonymous said...

Coughing up a lung also keeps people from sitting anywhere near you on Southwest Airlines. I start coughing as soon as I get to the gate. Oh, and if you blow your nose on a couple of kleenex and drop in the seat beside you, you're practically guaranteed to have the row all to yourself.

for a different kind of girl said...

I will never type Lite, either. I mean, aside from right there. I will never do it. Same way I will never order a 'venti' anything from any coffee place. Give me a large, yo.

I also think lepers feel sorry about themselves. Zombies persevere. They're enterprising. I appreciate that.

mongoliangirl said...

I would say something funny, but am too recently out of that fucked up fog to say anything other than - good luck living through that shit.

Hedon said...

You might want to consider spending more time hanging out at your nearest truck stop when you are feeling better.

Don't stay in the fancy-pants clean "car people" section, either. Go over into the "I haven't showered in two weeks or washed my hands since last July" trucker section. Eat off the buffet a few times. Sit in the trucker section on the dining room.

It will build up a hell of an immune system... or it could kill you I suppose.

Maybe you had better not after all.

Rassles said...

I'll tell you what, germ shivs are the worst, because they itch like poison oak and smell like moldy silverware. So you be careful.

KaritaG said...

I feel like I've been coughing since new year's. WTF, seriously.