Sunday, January 18, 2009

Ever Had One Of These?*

Sometimes when the phone rings and we see it's him we don't answer it. That is, when he bothers to call first.

Most times he just shows up at our house, his kid in tow. Last time it was at 8:00 on a Saturday morning when I was sitting around in my pj's without a trace of make-up on and my finest bed head raging on from the depths of hair hell.

The doorbell rang loudly, the dog barked louder and in he waltzed announcing his arrival. Wide-eyed my husband looks at me only to seem me mouth, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

When we do have pre-made plans with him it's because he's invited himself. He pulls out the ol', "Hey whatcha doin' on Saturday?" If we answer with a nothing then we are met with, "Well I'll head on out then and we'll do dinner at your place."

Which means we cook too. FREAKING BONUS.

One time he just showed up with his ex-girlfriend and when she asked me if it drove me nuts that he did that, resoundingly I answered, "Yes, as a matter of fact it does!" Then it stopped for a solid, blissful year. And then? They broke up.

As my husband just said? F AN A!

When the kids drag out buttloads of toys and leave them littered from one end of the house to the other, he never offers to pick them up before leaving, he bums everything imaginable and helps himself to a Coke for the road on his way out the door shouting, "I grabbed a couple of Cokes for the road, dude! Thanks!" as he exits the garage.

One really not awesome time? He even told our friend how horrible our kid was and how awesome his kid was. That bought us about 6 months of peace. I wanted to be pissed longer, Jason wouldn't let me.

So yesterday morning when I heard a text jingle it's way onto Jason's phone in the tune of 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' by Joy Division, at 7:00 IN THE FREAKING MORNING on a SATURDAY! I knew who it was. And sure enough, he was texting to tell us he was going to head out our way. Jason called him back and told him today would be better, while I was going to be gone.

He showed up just in time for lunch. Picked at our offerings and then... then? Sigh, the only way is to just tell you. He said I have a fat ass. There you go.

How exactly did that make it's appearance in our conversation? It goes a little something like this:

Me: It's hard to believe the kids are so big now. It seems like just yesterday they were little tiny babies.

Him: Dude, I know. And now look at Crazyman, nothing is tiny on him anymore.

Me: Nope, well except for his buttcheeks, they're still tiny.

Him: Oh, he got Jason's butt, huh? Not yours. Could you imagine if he got your ass.

I swear I just looked at him like he just told me he liked to stick glazed, spiral cut hams with a side of pineapple up his ass.

Me: Um yeah, I guess that would be weird.

Him: No kidding, so does Monkey have your ass? I mean, does she have those hips like you do?

Me: (sigh) Pretty much. She's been curvy since she was two.

Him: Huh, so she's going to have a big one, eh?

With that I got up and left, because seriously fuck face? You could have kept that shit to yourself. I'm pretty aware of how I'm made. Have been for a long time. Ever since my father told my grandmother that gave me the gene pool that manifested into my ass that they could show films on her backside as it was the size of a drive-in movie screen, so the next time you want to enlighten me with your awesome knowledge and tact why don't you just try SUCKING IT instead?

With that my husband declared it's going to be a bit before he comes back again. And that's why I love him. Talk about an optimist.

Like we have a choice. Heh.

Edited: Reading this back to myself I realized it looked like I might be telling him to suck my ass. But I wasn't. I was telling him to suck... IT. Whatever it is can be totally his choice as long as it, you know, sucks.

* Pretty In Pink - but this dude's no Ducky, that's for damn sure.


Anonymous said...

Slipping and kicking him in the crotch would have been ok...and quite satisfying, if indeed anything WAS there..

I LOVE having no friends...

Rassles said...

Who is this masked man? He probably thinks he's doing you a favor, ganking your shit and taking advantage of you. Winner.

Lara said...

How difficult would it be for your awesome husband to install a padlock on your fridge? Tell him it's childproofing it against Crazyman if you have to. And then tell him you misplaced the key. And will the next time he comes too.

Sheri said...

Wow... My jaw is literally still on the floor. How about crashing in on his place and telling him he has a small dick?

Pam said...

WTF?? How did you restrain yourself from punching him in the face?

Maggie May said...

heeheehawww!!! nice intro to your blog! hellooo:)

Lea said...

I just looked at your beautiful wedding photo and it certainly doesn't look like you have a fat ass! You look gorgeous.

The dude just must be an unhappy dude and just needs to make others unhappy around him, because why would anyone want happy people around them when they aren't happy!

I hope the visits from him stop for a long time for you! Good luck!

Lily's Mommy said...

I really don't know how you kept your mouth shut.

Maybe next time charge him for the cokes??? :)

Betsey Booms said...

VC - Kicking him in the crotch seemed like a lot of effort for my fat ass right at that very moment.

And I don't have friends, my husband does and these are them. ;)

Rassles - He pretty lives on ganking shit. Rumors from other friends says he does it a lot.

Lara - How about if Just put that padlock on my front door?

Sheri - Right? Oh please, I know enough about him that a small dick is the least of his worries.

Pam - Mostly because the kids were there, otherwise? Um yeah, I probably would have just left! LOL

Maggie May - Welcome - Hope you stay awhile.

Lea - Thanks girly! While my ass is the biggest thing on me, I really don't think it's so huge that we need to have an entire Sunday morning discussion on it. But then, I didn't have a choice.

Lily - It's a rare moment when I keep my mouth shut.

Reeky said...

classless ass. sounds like it's time for some changes.

He may be your husband's friend but it is your house too. If this ass can't respect you, they need to play elsewhere. Screw him. Lay down some ground rules. No visits unless invited. If he shows up unannounced, ask him to leave, now is not a good time. Tell him to ask before taking food/drink. Tell him he needs to grow up and start respecting you or he can not come around any more.

from the sounds of things, you are too annoyed by this to let it fester.

Maree said...

I'm right there with Reeky. My f-in-law USED to call us at SIX on SATURDAY mornings, before we had kids! He lives on the East cost, us on the West. He thought it was funny. Not so much. After about 4 months of this, I just told him that if he felt compelled to call on a Saturday to remember the time difference, because we'd be asleep until 10 and did NOT want to be disturbed. That kind of worked for awhile.

Now you need an equally annoying friend to even things out for hubs. As if you could stand that either?

Good luck!!!

Kat said...

Can I have his number? I want to text him at 5am this coming Sunday.