Thursday, December 11, 2008

Shut Up, Nobody Likes You Anyway

I woke up at 1:30 in the morning and my first thought was, "oh my freaking gawd, I need a tonsilectomy". I know what you're thinking, "she can't even spell the word, how the freak could she diagnose the condition?" But trust me, I know I do.

I laid there, feeling the little lumps in my throat the doctor always feels when I go in with a sore throat and sure enough they were both swollen. And it felt like a fire was raging through my throat every single time I swallowed. Being the genius that I am, I laid there feeling my throat and swallowing over and over again, just to make sure it did indeed hurt every single time.

And it did.

I've complained of a sore throat every day this week. My husband is not at all annoyed, which is code for he's telling me to shut the hell up already. I kept waiting for the rest of the symptoms to kick in. You know, runny nose, cough... and nothing. Just the random need to clear my throat and continue swallowing to make sure it hurts to do it.

Now? Only the left side is swollen, but it still hurts like a bitch. Which in turn, makes me whine like a bitch. I've decided to use this as an excuse to drink milkshakes and possibly beat the hell out of the midget that has evidently been kicking me in the throat every night when I sleep. (I mean no disrespect to any midgets that may be reading. So don't email me. Just quit kicking me already.)

My husband is probably going to be using it as an excuse to get drunk. Because then? He might not hear the complaining. But then he might quit saying, "I know how to make that feel better" with the sexy smirk on his face that I expect half a second before he always says it. I expect he'll never quit saying that and really, I'd be sad if he did. It's just so Jason.

Mostly I figure it's just Karma, for you know, talking crap on people and stuff. Whatever. Look, it's what I do well. I make snide comments, everyone laughs and we all go on our merry way. Who are you to judge me? Shut up.

Well, with that, I'm off. Tune in later to see if I get drunk at my holiday party and if this year's Christmas bonus is the bonus that wasn't.


HappyHourSue said...

As a board-certified cyberchondriac, I diagnose you as having strep. You're welcome.

Sabrae said...

gargle with warm salt water buy a huge bottle of throat spray (i go with the cherry flavor) and go back to bed !lol I get strep EVERY year and always feel the same as you if not worse at times and they still WILL NOT remove my tonsils! They saw me in the er for 2 months straight and still wouldn't do it and neither would my dr... they just don't remove tonsils anymore they told me... so we are left to suffer! :(

Love Bites said...

Okay, this is going to sound really gross, but do it anyway.

Buy a bottle of saline nasal spray. Inject it upwards into your sinuses. Tilt your head over, upside down, and let it drain into your sinuses. Then, tip your head backwards, and let it run down the back of your throat. Blow nose.

Repeat every couple of hours.

I promise relief.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

LB, that sounds REALLY complicated!!

Tits, just kill the midget that kicked you in the throat.

Also, Jelly of the Month club?

Mr. Booms said...

Everything is too complicated for you DPH

Betsey Booms said...

Oh Mr. Booms shows his face! Love you honey.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Mr. Booms, there are a few things that are NOT too complicated for me. Anal sex is one of them. I happen to be a pro at taking it in the ass.