Monday, December 1, 2008

Burn Dust!

This past, long, holiday weekend was full of good moments, bad moments, weird moments, scary weird, therapy inducing moments and well, just moments.

First, let me start off by saying that, yes, we did have a house guest this weekend. The house guest being Jason's father. And for everyone who has ever spent extended time in their own home with in-law's they know it's just weird. It's weird because suddenly you find yourself sharing your home with someone who is your "family" only they aren't your family because you just married their son but now they are like your father or something weird and here you are lying in bed, listening to them pee in the middle of the night like 5 different times. Yeah, it's weird but you know your spouse is enjoying the time with their family so you're all like, well, cool.

Here's the thing about spending time with my in-laws, I get these scary, clear insights into my husband. Because he's had strained relationships with his parents for extremely good reasons, I didn't get the usual look at my future in-laws that a lot of girls would before marrying. All I knew was he was a kid who deserved to be loved and it didn't seem that a very good job had been done of that and I knew I could do better. So when I saw my father-in-law's face when my sister's fiance smeared whipped cream on his own nose to entertain my daughter or when he expressed his annoyance of a toy that played music and made my son put his hand on his hip, stick out his lips and do his best 18-month old Mick Jagger impression, I couldn't wait for him to leave the room so that I could loudly whisper to my husband "Man! Your childhood must have sucked!" To which he nodded and said, "now you know."

And that is the extent of how deep I'm even able to make my thoughts today due to the fact that Jason and I capped off the whole weekend by having some ungodly, flu-like thing that made us wretch and double over in pain for an entire 12-hours yesterday. There is no way to drop those added Thanksgiving pounds like an angry stomach/angrier bowel induced day long fast.

Really. You'll want to trust me on this one and not check it out for yourself. But if by some chance you don't listen to me because you're just a willful creep (and really, I like people with some "stick-to") like that then you too will find yourself laying around, in your own stink, three day hair, haphazardly shoved around on your head with a headband pretending to hold it in place, willing your stomach to please shut up and quit clenching into a double-windsor knot every time your 18-month old desperately needs the cracker he just dropped in the dog's water bowl.

It was this same day of eating nothing but water and crackers for 24-hours that made me just walk into my local sub shop and shout, "I want the best sandwich in the world!"

Thanksgiving day itself is just a faint memory at this point. I did the majority of cooking and baking the night before leaving me with nothing but time on my hands to pace around the house looking for things to do before the family sailed in for the turkey goodness. I vaguely remember the meal as being good, having too much pie and then the fact that my grandmother said these words:

"And he was arrested for banging his girlfriend on the hood of his car at a drive-in"

Forget the fact that she just announced that the person she is talking about in that reference was her supposed step-brother but she was positive he was really her half-brother.

Yeah, wanna take a look at my family tree?

I clearly remember choking on my pie and asking, "banging or BANGING?" Grandma looked at me wide-eyed and said "BANGING! He was doing her on the car!"

After much discussion, Grandma finally announced her departure with the phrase "now that I'm leaving you guys can let the conversation get raunchy"...

Ahem.

Sometimes there are no words.

Other than that? I read an entire book and partook in some movie marathons. A self-imposed "Christmas Vacation" marathon and a Fox Movie Channel imposed "Planet of the Apes" marathon that had me walking around the house shouting things at my husband like, "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!" and "eat my rubber!"

Happy Holidays.

8 comments:

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Wow, minus the whole father in law and vomiting thing, your Thanksgiving sounds nice.

Can I adopt your grandma please?

KaritaG said...

Your grandma sounds like such a character! And, your husband is very lucky to have found you. In laws are hard.

gnomespeak said...

Dude. I get the whole grandmother thing. Mine used to call herself a "CW" - a Cock Watcher. She'd comment on how hot the doctors were too. Loudly.

Slick said...

lol..still, though..besides the stuffy father in law, I'd be laughing my butt off with your family!

J said...

Ewww I hate barfing. I'm sorry you got sick.

Your grandma is effing hilarious! She sound like so much fun to be around.

What book did you read this weekend?

Pam said...

Ick on the whole throwing up and sharing your home thing- but glad that overall you had a good Thanksgiving. I'm in the process of SCREAMING at Riley for hitting/biting/pulling his sister's hair and making cookies. Sometimes I am not a fan of the holidays......

Blue Tissue Box said...

I'm not sure what's more entertaining, your grandmother talking about people banging on cars, or my grandparents sitting in front of the television playing mario kart. Inlaws suck when they are overnight guests. Mine will be back Friday. Aren't I lucky?

ajillofalltrades said...

Ahhh....Christmas Vacation....I've watched it once so far. I usually watch it about 20 times to help ease the pain of the season...and thereafter.