Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The DT's Have Nothing On This

I'm pretty sure I haven't told you all this, and in my infinite lazidom I'm really not going to go back and check, but in an attempt to, oh I don't know, be like a better person and lose a pound I decided to not drink beer or eat candy for 30 days.

I know, WTF, right? No I wasn't in my right mind and yes I just woke up from a fantastic hangover with a Reeses Pieces wrapper stuck to my face. Those things are totally beside the point and not really your business anyway.

So Monday was like Day Two of the fast and do you know what happened? Come on, you know. That's right, our economy started to plummet, but I'm entirely selfish and that didn't sway me one way or the other. No, my babysitter said she was quitting. Which I'm standing by my previous declaration of "asshole" on that one.

Anyway, so with sitter interviews every night this week and me, actually being thankful for not having any money to have "invested", I think it's a fantastically bad time to say "No chocolate for you, bitch." or "Yeah, that Michelob Ultra looks Ultra Cold and Ultra Tasty, but you are Ultra Screwed, so suck it." So don't say those things or I might kick you in the genitals. Unless you don't have any and then again? WTF? You still don't have the right to talk to me like that, bitch.

Today is Day Three. On Day Three my husband and I spent the day not entirely getting along. And by 'not entirely getting along' I mean, bitching at each other like two newly sober, non-chocolate eating cows with PMS. Or maybe I mean just one of those and an accountant who is under stress from the New Great Depression.

WHATEVER. What do you people want from me?

A point?

Well fuck that, you don't get a point. Instead you get this... this mess. Whatever the hell it is because I cannot formulate a complete thought.

But I'll leave you with this. You know how when you work in an office and your co-workers are all slobby ass pigs who couldn't hit the broad side of my ass with a snow shovel let alone get a bloody candy wrapper into a trash can? And those same asses also never clean up after themselves and you spend a huge portion of your days just barely tolerating them but then you combine that with spending five hours on a Saturday cleaning up after their inconsiderate asses and you feel like slugging them all in the face with an aluminum trash can full of Diet Coke cans?

Yeah, I feel just like that today.


Edit:

All I really want is a cheeseburger and a bottle of wine. At no time did I ever say I could not have those things.

4 comments:

KaritaG said...

OMG I seriously have so much sympathy for you right now because I just quit a ton of unhealthy habits (including COFFEE, WTF was I thinking with that one, because I am a total addict) and am trying to start new ones like working out more than once a month, and I was in serious caffeine withdrawal hell for about two weeks and had PMS and went to a concert and wow, all kinds of stuff that made me want to do things that are BAD FOR ME. The caffeine withdrawal is mostly over now. But still. I feel your pain.

Maggie, Dammit said...

It's true, you never said anything about wine nor cheeseburgers.

Love,
Your Enabling Bloggy Friend

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Whenever someone says cheeseburger, it reminds me of the veggie tales song that goes, "cause you're his cheeseburger, his lovely cheeseburger, he'll wait for you-u, yeah, he'll wait for you-u". It's awesome. Google it.

Briana said...

I was having a bad morning. I read this and it made me laugh. I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you, if you are indeed laughing. Good luck not eating candy or drinking beer. And, I think you SHOULD slug them all in the face with that aluminum trash can. They deserve it!